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2019 Summer Silly Season
What an insane season we’ve just had. There have been incredibly high highs, as well as horribly low lows, but we’ve made it through a fifth season in the premier league! With a sixth on the way, it is now time for months of mind numbing transfer speculation, and that’s what I’m here to provide to you! As always, please let me know if you want me to include anything new, or if I miss anything. Yours u/shoecat
United reportedly are in for Madders, and are claiming we set a £60 million price tag on him, but "the Foxes won't put price tags or valuations on players they are not looking to sell." Manchester City are also interested in the young midfielder, and are prepared to make a large bid on him
The Sampdoria midfielder is not sold on a move to Leicester, saying that a bigger club that competes for trophies would better suit him. Leicester have had an €18 million bid rejected by the club, who value him at €25 million
I’ve decided to not do the Sky Bet odds because they’ve blocked out of country bets, and I am living in America and for the life of me can’t get past their block, so I can’t post these for the moment POSPAC is a legend and offering me weekly skybet updates on odds, so the table is back! All hail POSPAC
I took a month-long break from writing these every week, but after the events of this weekend I’ve realised I just can’t stay away from the global entertainment phenomenon that is Scottish football. As well as being extremely busy, part of the motivation behind this hiatus of mine was the nonsense that followed Brendan Rodgers’ departure from Celtic to Leicester City, despite him saying that he didn’t see it as a stepping stone, and that it was his dream job. Whilst according to the average /soccer user, this cemented the Scottish Premiership’s status as a diddy league unworthy of following, it DID provide an opportunity to examine Celtic’s support’s journey through the 5 stages of grief. First there was denial, then anger, before depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance that Moussa Dembélé was right all along. Elsewhere, it’s brown trousers time for fans of Hamilton, Dundee, and St Mirren; and the race for a top 6 place - and a chance at European football - is going to go down to the wire. A timeline of all of the patter in the SPFL, and results from the last month in the Scottish Premiership ‘reported’ below, taking a more detailed look at this weekend’s fixtures, and results from the Scottish Cup, the Challenge Cup final, and the national team’s Euro 2020 qualifying games (as much as it pains me to do so). I’m not going to go into copious detail with every result, because there’s a good 30-something games to discuss, but there will be at least highlights of every game, just a click away.
Without meaning for this to turn into a Scottish Football Fan Trouble Roundup, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that a bottle of Buckfast, or Bucks Fizz if you’re the Mail, was thrown at Scott Sinclair whilst it was 0-0, in the first of two incidents of bampot behaviour at Easter Road within the next week. Not sure it quite had the desired effect, mind, as shortly after two belters from James Forrest and Scott Brown did the business for Celtic. Full highlights with commentary.
Brilliant late drama as wee Aaron Doran headed in a goal in stoppage time to book Caley Thistle’s place in the semi-final, in a game which they dominated. After beautiful goal from Joe Chalmers put ICT ahead, United were equal through a contentious penalty converted by Nicky Clarke. Inverness had the ball in the net again before the winner, but Nathan Austin had been ruled offside. Overall, ICT worthy winners. Full highlights.
A hilarious performance from Hearts on account of how predictable it was; totally dominant with no end product beyond Christophe Berra’s 12th-minute opener, which was cancelled out by Christie Elliot on the counter attack an hour later. Uche Ikpeazu almost scored one of the competition’s greatest ever goals before half-time, and if he had, that most likely would have been it for Partick. However, they managed to force the replay, along with Aberdeen and Rangers, although neither game could be broadcast, because UEFA want you to watch the Champions League. Full highlights with commentary.
Rangers fans retaliated to the Morelos banner they saw at Pittodrie by coming up with a Spanish banner of their own, reading “de asientos vacios a ovejas que abusan sexualmente Aberdeen FC”, or in English: “of empty seats for sheep who sexually abuse Aberdeen FC”. With the spotlight on fan behaviour as much as ever before, weeks of incidents were capped off by a moronic Hibs fan running onto the pitch trying to start on James Tavernier, before shiteing it as soon as Tavernier stood up against him. Rangers totally dominated, and Hibs could have been down to 10 men within as many minutes if Darren McGregor had been sent off for his elbow on Morelos. Morelos couldn’t take his chances, and Rangers couldn’t take their chance to close the gap on Celtic, with Florian Kamberi equalising with 75 minutes played. Darren McGregor was eventually sent-off after all, for a second yellow in stoppage time. Highlights.
Aberdeen’s Scott McKenna may have been linked with Celtic in the summer, but before this game he announced he’d signed a deal with Trump International instead. A bold choice when you consider how popular Trump is in Aberdeen (not very) and also the world (not very). This fixture is normally a bit of a goal-fest, with the last match between the two sides being a 3-4 Celtic win, but I put a bet on both teams to score, so it’s the first goalless draw since 1994. Highlights.
The two previous Lanarkshire derbies have been fiercely competitive, with Hamilton victorious when visiting Fir Park, and Motherwell taking the 3 points from the Hope CBD. This game, however, was all but over in 10 minutes, with a David Turnbull brace putting daylight between the two teams, before Jake Hastie finished Accies off 25 minutes later. Highlights.
Shortly after Hearts meandered to a 1-1 draw with Thistle in the original fixture, their reserve team pumped Thistle’s 9-1, as if to rub salt into the wound. Hearts went behind to a tap-in from Scott McDonald, but goals from Uche Ikpeazu and Sean Clare were the difference in the end. Highlights.
Sad news for Scottish football, after it was revealed that the Hope CBD Stadium, so-called after a cannabis oil company purchased the naming rights to New Douglas Park, would be renamed after just 6 months to the even more eccentric “Fountain of Youth Stadium”. This all comes after they were randomly disrespected by Lord Sugar on Twitter. Tough times to be an Accies fan for sure. All of this was not enough to prevent Accies from getting one over Hearts, though, with Aaron McGowan’s goal the difference between the two sides. This result also validates the first words in four months from 22 year old stroke victim Darren Thompson - “Hearts are shite.” Highlights.
Before this match Rangers fans took to the offices of BBC Scotland in protest (I’m assuming?) against the unfair treatment they get on Sportscene. Kilmarnock went ahead through Conor McAleny, who replaced an injured Eamonn Brophy, but Alfredo Morelos was able to equalise. Neither side will be entirely content with a draw, I feel. Highlights.
After a player of the round performance from Ross Stewart gave us the most Scottish photoshoot ever - without featuring a kilt or bagpipes - and helped Ross County into the Challenge Cup final, the country of Scotland could put their international misery behind them for a day to watch a Welsh team almost win the final of a Scottish cup competition. The Nomads went ahead thanks to Michael Bakare 20 minutes in; it took until the 75th minute for County to turn it around. A quickfire double from Josh Mullin gave the Staggies the lead, before Jamie Lindsay secured what may not be Ross County’s last silverware of the season - they look likely to return to the Premiership as Champions. Highlights.
Where were you when Scotland went 70 minutes without scoring in San Marino? Would you like to experience it all over again? From Kenny McLean’s 4th minute opener, Johnny Russell’s almost-disappointing second goal, and that one moment where they got round the keeper and we actually thought they might score - relive it all here! Finally, we continue with some action that actually happened this week.
In the context of the whole season this doesn’t look like a bad result at all, but St Mirren will feel this is an awful point or three to drop. The Buddies had the chance to go a goal ahead, but Simeon Jackson opted to try a weird panenka along the ground from his spot-kick, which Zander Clark had no trouble with. I mean it’s not as if it could all come down to one goal or one point for St Mirren at the end of the season, anyway. Shortly after, Chris Kane put St Johnstone ahead by pouncing on a defensive error. Had Jackson’s penalty gone in, and the score remained the same, St Mirren would have been off the bottom before their must-win match against Dundee. They’ll be without Ethan Erhahon for that match after he was given a straight red for a poor tackle late in the match. Architects of their own downfall in this match, St Mirren. Highlights.
Livingston won’t have any worries of relegation, which is a miracle in itself considering how poor value they looked at the very beginning of the season. Meanwhile Hibs will have known that they could easily fall out of the top 6 with any missteps at this crucial point in the season. Craig Halkett missed this match through an injury sustained prior to the game, and it was announced today he’d be leaving Livingston for Hearts at the end of the season - with this I reckon he’ll make the Scotland squad for the next series of international games. In the end, goals from Paul Hanlon and Mark McNulty killed the game off in the space of 5 minutes, and Ryan Hardie’s late penalty was only a consolation for Livingston. Highlights.
St Mirren may have been their own worst enemy in the middle of the week, but what a performance and result this is for them - and one which could well be fatal for Dundee. Dundee went ahead after just 22 seconds through Ethan Robson, which could easily have destroyed any hopes St Mirren had of taking something out of the game, but Danny Mullen scored his third goal of the season - his third against Dundee - to reignite the Buddies’ hopes just 11 minutes later. The winning goal came courtesy of speccy tube Brad Lyons, affording him the opportunity to premiere his speccy tube celebration in Saturday’s best exhibition of patter. St Mirren leapfrog Dundee, and are looking much more likely to increase that gap at the moment than Dundee are to close it. Highlights.
This result confirms St Johnstone’s bottom 6 placement, and keeps Motherwell’s alive by a sliver. Chris Cadden returning to the Motherwell bench will be a cause for optimism, and Motherwell looked improved when he came on, with Elliot Frear’s opener occurring 6 minutes after his substitution into the game, and David Turnbull doubling the lead 10 minutes later. Liam Craig had an early penalty saved for St Johnstone, and Richard Tait added a third to complete Saints’ capitulation in stoppage time. Highlights.
Aberdeen remained without Shay Logan through injury, although he did pull on a kit for his stag do. They went ahead thanks to Connor McLennan in the first half, but came out after the interval with apparently very little idea of how to play football. Sean Clare and Uche Ikpeazu got on the scoresheet to complete the Hearts comeback. How it feels to be an Aberdeen fan right now can be summarised by Derek McInnes’ decision in the 86th minute to bring on centre-back Michael Devlin for our only dangerous attacker, Connor McLennan, in a Steven Caulker-esque move. I despair. Highlights.
One of the most notable differences between Brian Rice’s Accies and his predecessor Martin Canning’s side is that Rice has set up much less defensively. As such, his side have been on the end of some right pumpings. Highly-rated left-back prospect Greg Taylor scored his first ever goal for Kilmarnock, before a second half rout saw four other players on the scoresheet - Conor McAleny, Youssouf Mulumbu, Chris Burke, and Mikael Ndjoli. This result means that Kilmarnock overtake Aberdeen into third, and will look to hold on to this European place. The job Steve Clarke has done is pretty incredible. Hamilton will be looking cautiously at St Mirren and Dundee beneath them. Highlights.
You already know how this one went down. One man whose name shot up in the estimations of 95% of /soccer yesterday is a certain Scott Brown. The events of this match almost entirely revolved around him. After Odsonne Édouard opened the scoring, the first notable incident involving Brown was the Celtic captain baiting Alfredo Morelos into elbowing him in the face, and laughing at him as he walked off back down the tunnel. Ryan Kent levelled magically for Rangers, and Celtic too went down to 10 men after Dedryck Boyata went off-injured after their third sub. When James Tavernier nonchalantly enabled James Forrest’s 86th-minute winner, Brown’s gameplaying saw him get punched in the face by Ryan Kent, which seems to have made both players more of a hero to each side. Andy Halliday was then sent-off after trying to brawl in the tunnel, just before Brown gave a brilliant post-match interview where he claims not to remember what happened with Kent, and that the post-match scuffle with Halliday was just the Rangers man coming over to congratulate him. All things considered, a good day for shithousing. Highlights. So after all that, the table looks as follows:
Championship Round Relegation Round That was a lot so thanks for giving it a read. See yous next Monday for more of the same! Check out /ScottishFootball for good patter and discussion of the SPFL Last week’s matches were rounded up here ● data from soccerway.com ● thanks mods for 2soccer2botbut it’s still broken
Wilshere is available after missing the last two matches because of illness. Mikel Arteta is ruled out with a hamstring injury but Theo Walcott could make his first start since January.
Shelvey is currently serving a suspension after receiving a second yellow against Everton. Amat, Britton and Tiendalli are back in training. Three changes from last week with Bartley, Carroll and Emnes replacing Fernandez, Shelvey and Routledge. Fernandez, Routledge and Dyer miss out through injury.
Arsenal are unbeaten in the last five meetings in all competitions since a 2-0 home defeat in December 2012.
Swansea have won just one of their last seven Premier League games, drawing three and losing three.
Only Chelsea and Southampton have earned more points at home than Swansea.
The Gunners have won successive league games for the first time this season, but their four wins this season have all come against teams who started this weekend in the bottom six of the table.
This game will be Mertesacker's 100th premier league appearance.
jimmithy's Opportunist Bet: There have been a combined nine goals scored after the 80th minute in the last six encounters between these two teams. Arsenal have also scored five 90th-minute goals this season, more than any other team. Teams Swansea City Fabianski, Rangel, Bartley, Williams (C) (Yellow 48'), Taylor (Yellow 36'), Ki (Yellow 40'), Carroll (Sub Britton 86'), Sigurdsson (Goal 75'), Emnes (Sub Barrow 66'), Montero, Bony (Sub Gomis 75'). Subs: Tremmel, Tiendalli, Amat, Britton, Fulton, Barrow (Yellow 89'), Gomis (Goal 78'). Formation: 4-2-3-1 Manager: Garry Monk Arsenal Szczesny, Chambers (Yellow 61'), Mertesacker (Yellow 55'), Monreal, Gibbs (Yellow 75'), Flamini (Sub Wilshere 78'), Oxlade-Chamberlain, Ramsey (Yellow 45'; Sub Walcott 78'), Alexis (Goal 62'), Cazorla, Welbeck Subs: Martinez, Bellerin, Rosicky, Wilshere, Podolski, Walcott, Sanogo Formation: 4-2-3-1 Manager: Arsene Wenger Highlights 21'Bony Penalty Shout (via is_this_working) 62'Sanchez Goal (via FredSportsHD) 76'Sigurdsson Free Kick78'Gomis Header (via FredSportsHD) 88'Barrow Skill (via is_this_working) Match Events 0' - Arsenal kick off the first half. 1' - Bony has already beaten Monreal to a header, and Ramsey has received jeers from the fans. Bad news as Williams is down after an awkward collision. 21' - Penalty shout for Swansea. Emnes crosses into Bony, and Chambers comes through the back of him. Montero ends up with the ball and fires towards Szczesny's near post, but the keeper does well to save. 30' - Good work by Arsenal working their way round the Swansea box. Gibbs Chamberlain does well to beat Montero on the right, and is fouled by the winger as his cross is put out for a corner (Ref gave corner and not the foul). Cazorla is also down injured. 35' - Mistake by Chambers as he slips and Montero is quick to win the ball off him. He plays it early towards Bony in the middle, the striker draws Monreal and plays it wide to Emnes who fires a shot directly at Szczesny. 36' - Taylor gets a yellow card for a late challenge on Oxlade-Chamberlain. The resulting free kick is cleared by Swansea and Ramsey blasts wide from outside the box. 38' - Montero and Chambers challenged for a header, the latter getting accidentally kicked in the face as he lands. Ref stops play and the defender receives treatment. 40' - Oxlade-Chamberlain does well down the right again. He beats Taylor and Montero for pace and Ki comes over to make a sliding challenge. He got more player than ball and gets a yellow. 43' - Beautifully worked chance by Arsenal. Sanchez runs around the edge of the area and plays it into Welbeck's feet. He has a quick one two with Chamberlain and Fabianski does well to save the shot. 44' - 3 minutes of extra time. 45' - Ramsey volley's from outside the area goes just wide of the goal. Nice chance. 45' - Ramsey gets a yellow for a collision with Taylor. 45+3' - Good movement from Mertesacker on a corner gives him a free header, but he can't direct it towards goal. 45+3' - HALF TIME! Swansea 0 - 0 Arsenal 45' - Swansea kick off the second half. 46' - Great chance for Arsenal. A mistake by Ki grants Sanchez the ball, he plays it through to Chamberlain. The Englishman cuts back but he can only muster a lame attempt which falls easily for Fabianski. 48' - Absolutely awful challenge by Williams. Looks like he tried to kick the ball away, but he took 100% of Carzola and gets a yellow. It made a horrid noise. 50' - Ball is cleared long to Montero, he holds it up well waiting for support but his cross floats beyond the back post and out for a goal kick. Bit of a waste. 55' - Mertesacker gets a yellow card for tripping Emnes. 57' - Carzorla is finding some space between the midfield and defense, and some slick 1-2s come from it. Chamberlain can't manage to get his shot through the defense. 58' - rhaegar313: Arsenal are looking much better this half. 60' - The rain is pouring. Carzola strikes low from range. Fabianski gets down well to save. 61' - Chambers is robbed again by Montero, and the winger is brought down for a yellow card. 62' - GOAL! Swansea 0 - 1 Arsenal: Sanchez Welbeck does well down the right, his cut back opens up a lot of space for him to square to an unmarked Sanchez who side foots home. 64' - Golden chance for Swansea. Montero beats Chambers again down the left and slides it into Bony, but the striker puts it wide. 66' - Swansea Sub: Barrow for Emnes. The Swedish winger is making his premier league debut after impressing in the youth team. 68' - Today's attendance at the Liberty is 20,812. 68' - Play is paused while Chambers receives treatment after accidentally getting struck in the face. 74' - Barrow sprints away into the Arsenal half, Gibbs brings him down before entering the box and gets a yellow. 75' - GOAL! SWANSEA 1 - 1 Arsenal: Sigurdsson WHAT A GOAL. ABSOLUTELY STUNNING FREE KICK IN THE TOP LEFT HAND CORNER. 75' - Swansea Sub: Gomis for Bony. 78' - GOAL! SWANSEA 2 - 1 Arsenal: Gomis The Frenchman scores his first premier league goal. Montero beats Chambers, again, and clips it into Gomis who has a simple header into the bottom corner. 78' - Arsenal Double Sub: Wilshire and Walcott for Ramsey and Flamini. 85' - Ki goes to the floor really easily to win a free kick and Sanchez gets a yellow for moaning about it. 86' - Swansea Sub: Britton replaces Carroll. This is his 12th season for Swansea City. 88' - Barrow wins a foul after some impressive skills. Gfycat that one. 89' - Then Barrow gets a yellow for a bad foul. 90' - Arsenal Sub: Sanogo for Chambers. 90' - 4 minutes of extra time. 90+1' - Arsenal are throwing it all at Swansea. 90+4' - Chamberlain drives to low across the box and Wilshere's shot is blocked quickly. 90+4' - FULL TIME! Swansea 2 - 1 Arsenal Talking Points: Montero was all over Chambers, Sigurdsson's free kick was marvelous, glad that penalty decision didn't matter. I hope no one listened to my bet recommendation.
Harry Wilson: A Write Up by a Former Football Journo and Lifelong LFC Fan.
Hello Rangers’ Reddit! I am a former football journo and lifelong Liverpool fan. I’m happy to provide verification to mods if so desired! However, I’m not sharing an article today. I just thought I’d do a quick write up on Harry Wilson for the community. Harry Wilson joined Liverpool as U9 and was promoted to the Academy at the age of 15. When he first moved to the Academy Wilson struggled with finding an appropriate position and role. Wilson was first deployed as a central midfielder and as a number ten in Brendan Rodger’s variation of a 4-2-3-1. In each position he struggled with his passing range and vision. Moving to the left wing saw Wilson gain attention from the Wales set up, leading to his first cap and becoming the youngest Welsh international ever. Playing as a traditional left-footed left winger played to Wilson’s low center of gravity, physical strength, and dribbling ability. However, his final crosses and passes were often woeful. There were rumors that Brendan Rodgers was frustrated with the young Welshman’s inability to put it all together and that contributed to Liverpool’s decision to send Wilson to Crewe Alexandra. The Crewe loan was probably the low point of Wilson’s relatively short career. He struggled to play consistently, and when he played he was ineffective. Wilson could put himself in great positions, only to play a poor ball or make a terrible tactical decision. When Brendan Rodger’s was terminated and Jurgen Klopp was hired Wilson was one of the many loaned out players that Klopp recalled to Liverpool. Klopp is not a fan of loaning out players, and he wanted to evaluate as many players as he could. Wilson impressed enough to earn his Liverpool debut, albeit as a left winger, replacing Philippe Coutinho in the 65th minute of a FA Cup tie. After his debut Klopp made the decision to switch Wilson from the left wing, to the right. The switch changed Wilson’s focus from getting to the byline and putting a cross in, to cutting into the penalty area and putting the ball in the net. Once Wilson adapted to the switch he became unstoppable in the Premiere League 2. From January of 2018 to January of 2019 Wilson made 60 U23 appearances, scoring 32 goals and logging 14 assists. Many Liverpool fans were screaming for first team action, especially since the path in his position was clear. Ben Woodburn and Rhian Brewster were injured for much of the year. Sheyji Ojo, Daniel Sturridge, Divock Origi, and Lazar Markovic were all sent out on loan. There was no direct replacement for Mohammed Salah in terms of position and role. Rather than bring Wilson into the team Klopp opted to play Danny Ings and Dominic Solanke as his primary rotation options up front. Liverpool’s early exit from the League and FA Cup did not help Wilson’s playing prospects either. In January of 2018 Wilson signed an extension with Liverpool. Part of that extension was an agreement to go out on loan for the second half of the 2017-2018 season. Wilson was sent to Hull City in the Championship where he continued his fantastic form. In 11 starts and 2 substitute appearances Wilson netted 7 times and assisted on 4 more goals. However, Wilson’s current game is not without faults. During his time with the Tigers the Welsh winger’s passing percentage was at 74%. Whether that is indicative of poor passing or making risky passes is debatable. Wilson also plays low to the ground, winning .2, yes point-two, aerial duels a game. The Liverpool community is focused on the upcoming Champion’s League Final but the off-season debate will be whether or not Harry Wilson needs more development time or whether or not he is ready to be Mohammed Salah’s direct understudy. Ben Woodburn is more suited to where Sadio Mane plays, and Klopp has hinted at moving Woodburn to one of the two forward-running center midfield positions. Rhian Brewster is seen as heir to Bobby Firmino’s place providing Liverpool can retain him. Many Liverpool fans envision a back-up front three of Woodburn, Brewster, and Wilson. Ryan Kent also plays the right wing, but his stock has dropped considerably following two difficult loan spells this past year. If Liverpool hold on to Wilson they run the risk of stalling his development. Particularly if the Nabil Fekir and Christian Pulisic rumors ring true and Liverpool witness early exits in cup competition next year. A Rangers deal makes sense as Rangers would be landing a dynamic goal scorer that is used to playing a physical style of football and has proven to be sturdy. Liverpool benefit by allowing one of their best prospects to continue his development. A loan deal makes the most sense given Wilson’s new deal in January and Rangers’ financial situation. The primary obstacle in the deal will be demand from bottom-third Premier League teams and mid-range Bundesliga teams for Wilson’s services. Ultimately, Liverpool management will have to determine whether or not playing under Steven Gerrard and being one of the first names on the team sheet will make up for the lack of quality in the Scottish Premier League. Thanks for reading friends! All stats are pulled from whoscored.com or transfermrkt.com. Beyond that most of my sources are either first-hand knowledge from when I was a credentialed media member or people close to the club (employees, former academy players, etc.). Fun Fact: Harry Wilson's granddad put a 50 pound bet on him becoming an international footballer when he was 18 months old. Won him 125K with William Hill when Harry made his Wales debut. Edit: Grammar and added the fun fact.
A Hater's Guide to EURO Qualifying / 2018 Year in Review (insert Soccer flair here)
After a surprisingly decent start to the Nations League that saw some upsets and some decent football, another Euro qualification campaign awaits us. Teams are scrambling to achieve something before their generational talents depart and leave them rudderless. Managers are scrambling for decent results to avoid getting fired. UEFA is scrambling to get the populace to hate them even more with the Der Spiegel leaks......... and the bullshit that is their attempt at a UEFA Superleague, designed to kill those pesky irrelevant small-market teams and countries once and for all. Before international football takes a serious beating at the hands of leaks and Qatar 2022, lets take a look at the contestants. This will be a little different from the standard Haters Guide, as I'll be breaking down the groups and major teams recent fortunes in light cliff notes form instead of going in full on everyone. Even if half the team previews would be some variation of "You're fucked", its still soul consuming to talk about a bunch of uninspiring Tier II or III Euro sides, even if they have a chance to go far because voodoo seeding magic. This will instead be an overview of the relevant teams and how they're looking so far. Lets get to it. ~~~ GROUP A: England, Czech Republic, Bulgaria, Montenegro, Kosovo ~To the shock of all 55 million of their cynical supporters, England came through big in the Nations League groups with a pair of crucial wins at the end to secure a Final 4 berth. England's reward for such endeavours will probably be a torching from Portugal and another easy group to qualify for a tournament in. Over the next year and a bit, England's goal will be to shore up the defense, figure out how to make a functional midfield out of their varying pieces, and hope that the English media decides not to de-person Raheem Sterling and Marcus Rashford. Gareth Southgate has done good in rallying the troops and clearly looks like the right man for the job........ which means he'll be sacked after a quarterfinal exit in Qatar because reasons. Hopefully Frank Lampard does a good enough job managing clubs to step right in. Either way England needs to retain someone who knows what went wrong with the "Golden Generation", instead of hiring a foreign mercenary who will fall into the same traps Sven and Capello fell into trying to bring the team together. A decisive and steady hand at the top who commands respect from the players and makes everyone know their role is what England needs to stabilize the Premiership egos. To be fair this team doesn't seem to have clashing personalities on the level of the 2000s, so maybe they can make this work. Maybe. ~As for the rest of this group...... eeeeech. I'm personally hoping Kosovo uses its credible league underdog upset powers to roll over everyone and finish second, but theres a lot of uninspiring dross here. The Czechs haven't been relevant since the early 2000s and need some generational talents to crop up to reach that peak again. Instead they get a midfield captain who plays in the MLS, I mean COME ON. At least get him somewhere more credible like the Championship with Sheffield Wednesday. Also Bulgaria's got nothing going on and Montenegro got the worst of the split from Serbia. England shouldn't blow this group, so lets hope for something positive from Kosovo and that a few players get jobs in the English leagues out of this. ~~~ GROUP B: Portugal, Ukraine, Serbia, Lithuania, Luxembourg ~So early in the preview we get the first reasonably tough group. Ukraine and Serbia may end up qualifying via Nations League anyways, but both teams should probably try to be safe rather than sorry. Serbia got refballed by the Swiss at the World Cup and there were rumours of FA interference in setting up the team. If their dumbass fans stay out of the teams way and don't dock them points though, they'll be a threat. The team looks flush with credible league players, especially in the midfield, and Aleksandar Mitrovic is a goal in 2 games striker up front for the NT. The main question mark is in goal if Vladimir Stojkovic retires soon, not to mention hes playing in a bad league and would be disqualified from future consideration anyways if Serbia had any depth at that position. Regardless, Serbia still looks like a sure bet to make it to Euros via either path but from there, who knows? ~As for Ukraine, things are........ a little more complicated. Shaktar Donetsk's weird Brazilian pipeline and finances gives their league a sexy surface gloss of credibility, but the NT and the country itself have seen big changes since the WC in 2010. The problem now is up front, where the options are veteran Turkish league journeymen, green youth, or hope the wingers Yarmolenko and Konoplyanka are around to do a thing. The latter one will work less due to Yarmolenko being out early on with an Achilles tear. If he comes back as a permanently lesser player things do not look good. The former national talisman in Andriy Shevchenko is doing the managing now, and needs to figure out a way to get this team some goals if the defense breaks down. There is some serious firepower in the other favourites, and Ukraine may struggle to keep pace. You also have a tough path for Nations League B with Edin Dzeko and Christian Eriksen lurking. Good luck. ~Portugal don't think we forgot about you! You still have FUCKING PEPE ON THE TEAMSHEET. AND HE WAS YOUR CAPTAIN AGAINST POLAND?!?! What was his locker room team talk like? Did he tell everyone to two foot the nearest player and then dive afterwards? You dropped Bruno Alves like a hot potato and even if Pepe somehow goes through some games without incidents, hes still 35. He won't be around for Qatar, and you need to start bringing in the younger players now to get them to gel. Also its worth noting that Ronaldo did not make a single appearance in the Nations League and is........ currently dealing with some messy sexual assault allegations...... hoo boy. You better hope Andre Silva keeps scoring at a 1 in 2 pace, otherwise you have no shot at a Euro repeat. ~~~ GROUP C: Netherlands, Germany, Northern Ireland, Estonia, Belarus ~Besides the Cleveland Cavaliers, did any team have a swifter fall from grace this year than the German NT? As if the brutal World Cup campaign and Mesut Ozil retiring to political posturing over Turkey wasn't bad enough, the team flamed out in the Nations League to a Dutch team deep in the rebuild, and still lack stability in the midfield and defense. Even with a soft group to likely qualify from, this team still needs to get its shit together to achieve anything in the coming tournaments. Like the Eagles, winning the big one may have been the worst thing to happen to the team for their short term future, and they may need the good ol' "culture change" to get back to normal contender status. I'm not sure we're ready for a footballing world with an underachieving German team, but it seems the rest of the countries who have been held back by the Germans are DEFINITELY ready for it. I don't have any grudge against Germany, but I will die laughing if this team drops points to Northern Ireland. Maybe THAT could get Joachim Low fired...... ~Netherlands I don't know what the hell to make of you. I wanted to revisit that case in a couple of years and see if the Dutch could get things together with a new wave of talent, but then you caught France on the hop and Germany on a sustained hangover. Now you probably have a high seed for future events, and a soft group to make it back to the Euros with. I'm just not sold on Virgil Van Dijk and Memphis Depay as the core players. Depay in particular has been rumoured to have some attitude problems and inconsistency. Even if they were magnified in the harsh spotlight of the Premier League, and even if hes turning things around for Lyon, do you really build an attack around him? You've had success in the past building around tempermental talent, but I doubt anyone thinks hes at the level of a Van Basten or a Robben, let alone Cryuff. Theres at least some promise behind with guys like De Ligt, Kluivert, and maybe Fosu-Mensah and Frenkie de Jong, but this does not seem like peak Dutch vintage. At least you're better off than you were from 2015 to 2017? ~Much as I'd like Northern Ireland to pull off some upsets, it probably isn't happening. They took a beating in Nations League B and clearly can't hold superior sides off using the old-school defensive British Isles tactics. The strike force is Championship journeymen and a beat-up Kyle Lafferty, with no notable youth getting pushed forward by the team. Hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee with success in 2016 lads, now its back to complaining about other Ireland stealing your players. ~~~ GROUP D: Switzerland, Denmark, Ireland, Georgia, Gibraltar ~Meh, nothing to get excited about here. Swiss optimism is no doubt high after the shocking thrashing of Belgium in the Nations League to win their group. The issue is that Hans Serefovic may have gotten that hat trick against a defense too old and broken down to give a fuck, and you're still reliant on the Great Value version of generational talents in your midfield. Denmark should be right there with them based on the World Cup unless the strike flares up again, or something happens to Christian Eriksen or Kasper Schmeichel. But Jesus Christ Denmark do SOMETHING about that strike force. ~One thing does need to be said in this group however: Ireland is looking godawful. They beat Wales to get into a playoff for WC qualification then got blown out 4-1 in the Nations League. This has led to managers Martin O'Neill and Roy Keane being marched to the guillotine. The roster looks completely cooked and the scoring cupboard is bare once you take out Shane Long and Johnathan Walters......not that either player was good anyways. Even if Ireland slogs out a couple draws with Denmark, they're more liable to drop points to Georgia (which did happen in WC qualifying). Hell, Ireland could somehow struggle to break down Gibraltar for all we know. ~The sad part is this weaker group could end up getting two Nations League winners in the Swiss and Georgia and three qualifiers to the Euros. Yikes. ~~~ GROUP E: Croatia, Wales, Slovakia, Hungary, Azerbaijan ~Wales and Croatia may top the group in seeding but both teams are staring into the edge of the abyss. Croatia has already lost Mandzukic and Subasic, and the rest of the core is aged 29 or older. They need to strike now before they get too old for the World Cup. The Euros may be the last chance for Croatia to win something before they have to restart with a new core under bigger expectations. Hopefully the fans can cling to the memories of that magical 2018 run....... ~As for Wales, they face the unpleasant prospect of wasting their second generational talent in Gareth Bale. The 2018 WC qualification campaign was an absolute DISASTER for the Welsh, as they blew a winnable group to Serbia and Ireland.......... after drawing half their games and dropping points to fucking Austria and Georgia. Wales had a chance of sneaking into the World Cup and even making it to the Round of 16 with the right draw, but had to sit at home instead and watch England achieve their best result in over 25 years. The time is now to win before Bale gets too old and too destroyed by the Madrid media. You've got some young diamonds in the rough that need to gain experience quickly, some veteranosity at the backline, support in Aaron Ramsey, and a reasonably steady keeper in Wayne Hennessey. DON'T FUCK IT UP! Gareth Bale does NOT deserve to have the same international career as Ryan Giggs. (And yes Giggs did not deserve that either) ~But hey surely those Slovakia guys will steal a spot from you. Just look at all that talent! Marek Hamsik! Marek Hamsik! Marek Hamsik! Did we mention Marek Hamsik? And look at that awesome support he has........AN MLS MIDFIELDER AND A PAIR OF CYPRUS LEAGUE STRIKERS?!?! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Cue Simpsons you're stupid guy laughing) (Did I forget about Hungary? I hope so.) ~~~ GROUP F: Spain, Sweden, Norway, Romania, Faroe Islands, Malta ~Meh, nothing much to get excited about here. Some Reddit pundits think theres a chance for Norway and Romania but I'm not buying it. Sweden has gotten a lot of credible wins over the past year and are also a bet to make it in via Nations League after a hiccup against Turkey to start. Emil Forsberg has not panned out for them and Marcus Berg may be lynched if he misses another sitter, but at least 20 fringe countries would kill to have Sweden's recent results. The steady Robin Olsen and the 8 men behind the ball troll tactics you had at the World Cup should see you through to the Euros and a Round of 16 elimination. Enjoy. ~As for Spain, they had a rough showing against Morocco and Russia in the World Cup and got bounced out by England in the Nations League, but things should pick up soon. That World Cup was a wash for Spain anyways due to all the managerial shenanigans and a poor tournament from David De Gea. Spain should be at least a fringe contender for another few years if this new core doesn't fall off a cliff.......... and if the FA and Spanish political landscape don't interfere with Luis Enrique doing his job. Good luck Luis. Don't let this second hot seat burn you to death. ~Hey by the way how did that Julen Lopetegui move to Real Madrid that got him fired from Spain work out anyways? (Julen gets canned after 6 losses in 14 games) OH GOD. Hope you had fun being burned at the stake Julen! Should've looked that gift horse in the mouth............. ~Also I'll sign off this group with a message to Romania: FUCK OFF WITH THE ULTRAS. You went down the racist Serbian route and had a few Nations League matches played behind closed doors with Carolina Hurricanes-level attendance. Keep this up and UEFA may take you for a spin on the wheel of discipline, and dock your dumb asses some points. Also do yourselves a favour and discover the next Gheorghie Hagi so you can rebuild your league and your national team already, that'll work too. ~~~ GROUP G: Poland, Austria, Israel, Slovenia, Macedonia, Latvia ~Wait, this can't be the actual group right? This is some seriously fake news. Lemme double check this...... refreshes Euro page ARE YOU SHITTING ME!? YOU CALL THIS A GROUP!? What the FUCK!? Poland and Austria don't deserve their placement in the current pots, and they get gifted a sham group that will continue to inflate their rankings? Serbia is possibly better than BOTH these teams and they sit in Pot 3 with some no hopers and fringe contenders. I don't have any special dislike towards either country but COME ON! Israel, Slovenia, and maybe Macedonia, I don't care about you guys either, but just to normalize the seeding a little I hope you take some points from these guys, and show the world what a farce these qualification draws can be. ~Oh you want a preview? Fine, here it is: Lewandowski tries to create goal scoring opportunities with questionable support, and Austria coasts off maybe three relevant players to a Euro group stage drowning. Now lets move onto some actual contenders. ~~~ GROUP H: France, Iceland, Turkey, Albania, Moldova, Andorra ~..........Ok, this is better for talking points at least. This group is an interesting one for France, because it gives us a chance to see how bad the World Cup hangover really is. France has been on a rollercoaster of sorts since the heyday of Michel Platini, with some really great performances, followed by some really awful performances, followed by a rebound, then another crash, then a rebound again. France could've headed downhill after a decent showing in 2014 and 2016, but instead took the big step forward and won the World Cup. The Nations League could've been a second tournament win in as many years, but they bowed out in the group stages to the Dutch, of all teams. Now comes the test of their consistency against some middling competition. If the French keep an even keel through qualifying and play strongly at the Euros, then they've turned a corner. If they drop serious points and flame out.......well, imagine the shrill bitching Pogba and Griezmann recieve in the media when they do anything, then multiply it by the entire team. For those who don't want complacency or collapses you better pray that Kylian Mbappe keeps developing. (Also have fun with those PSG leaks.) ~Iceland, I have some bad news. That mild optimism I had in the Nations League preview? Yeah, turns out I wasn't informed that your new manager Erik Hamren is a total gas can who shouldn't have the job. Iceland's Golden Generation may be forcibly rusted, so I hope those passionate supporters of yours will be happy living off past upset glories. Best to turn your attention to the future and developing youth, because the present does not look good under current management. ~Turkey is in a weird state to me. It seems their national league has a similar sexy surface gloss of credibility like Ukraine, along with the same sort of issues underneath that gloss. Theres even turmoil within the country as a distraction, albeit of a slightly different kind to Ukraine's ongoing mess with Russia. Turkey hasn't really done a lot since the 3rd place in Euro 2008, and they don't seem to have a ton of new youth to lead the renaissance aside from maybe Cengiz Under, Zeki Celik, and probably some youngster in a Turkish league who'll need to transfer to progress his career. The current veterans don't seem to have that spark to propel the team further, and it showed a bit in the Nations League despite a mild upset over Sweden early on. Lets revisit this one in a few years. ~......What, you want me to talk about Albania cause of the credible league factor? Sorry, but any team who loses 4-0 to Scotland in a semi-serious contest isn't worth more than 3 sentences in a recap. Have fun getting more players poached due to nationality rules! ~~~ GROUP I: Belgium, Russia, Scotland, Cyprus, Kazakhstan, San Marino ~Hey Belgium, thanks for that nice 5-2 loss to the Swiss that jinxed my Nations League predictions! Now I have to try to care about Switzerland in the Nations League Haters Guide. Really looking forward to that! I can sorta forgive a loss in the face of injuries to de Bruyne, Lukaku, and half the starting defense, that makes sense. But you beat these guys 2-1 at home and had a 2-0 lead in the first 20 minutes? How can you let yourselves down in a competition like this? HOW!? For the love of god, can you quit choking on the pre-game waffle brunch and DO SOMETHING with this core? Do you really want to supplement this awesome attack with Boyata and the other Lukaku holding the fort behind them in a few years? Just blow this group out and win the damn Euros already. ~Russia could have a chance to play spoiler again here. Russia fell a bit short against Sweden in the Nations League, but they have a certain grit and quality to the team as of late that makes them hard to pass on as an upset pick. If they keep a healthy midfield, find a replacement for Igor Akinfeev, and magic bullshit goals out of Artem Dzyuba and whoever the hell Russia's putting in the attack these days, they could make some noise in the Euros. ~Scotland may be getting a Legacy of Failure post if I ever find anyone to fact-check my ranting, and a blown qualification effort here followed by a loss of the Nations League could write yet another chapter in it. You have two goalkeepers over 35 and a sprinkling of Premiership players to complement the substandard domestic league offerings. You also have Johnny Russell getting 9 caps because.........I don't fucking know. Get him out of there and replace him with literally anyone else please. We have narratives to maintain, and we need as few people in the MLS as possible tarnishing this pristine stage of international football. ~~~ GROUP H: Italy, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Finland, Greece, Armenia, Liechtenstein ~And here at the end we have one of the toughest groups in qualification. Thats tough for the viewer AND the teams involved. Italy vs Greece twice? Better plan your sleep patterns around that shit. Italy is in tough in this group, as the Mario Balotelli experiment may have been aborted early in the Nations League. For all the identity Italy has around defence, the fact \remains that they have never won things without high-end threat of some variety in the final third. Are you going to seriously trot out guys like Immobile and Insigne and call them your international standard attackers? They're like the guys you tack on a roster in FIFA Ultimate Team for the chemistry bonus. Still, even though you drew some of the stronger teams in each pot, you might come out of this ok. Luckily, you did avoid sides like Denmark and Sweden that have a higher chance of playing along with a 0-0 and forcing you to drop points. If you can retool in time for 2020 you may once again reach default contender status. ~Meanwhile, Bosnia is on one of the better runs of success in the history of their nation, taking advantage of a soft group draw in the Nations League to run wild and secure a place in the final 4. Austria and Northern Ireland are nothing special, but you at least got a platform for your generational talent Edin Dzeko to shine on, as he approaches his well-earned 100th cap. If you get the goalkeeper Begovic and the crucial midfield piece Miralem Pjanic back from injuries, you've got a solid shot at keeping form and getting a ticket to the Euros. Good luck against the Italians. May you be free from the permanent hell that is Slavic team inconsistency. ~Finland is being hyped up as having the best team they've had since the heyday or Jari Litmanen and Sami Hyppia. Looking at the roster though, I'm not buying it. Theres a couple useful pieces, and you've got a rock solid keeper in Lukas Hradecky, but I'm questioning the lack of players in credible leagues. Perhaps the roster adds up to more than the sum of its parts, perhaps there are players here who just haven't gotten the break, but am I really supposed to be inspired by your best striker being from Norwich City? Will Joel Pohjanpalo ever come back form that injury? Also why did you give 74 caps to players in that damn MLS again? Regardless, against a potentially toothless Italy you have a chance of scraping a couple draws, which means that the fixtures against Bosnia will likely determine the fate of this new wave team. Good luck. ~Greece is in a real state of flux at the moment. Last Euro qualification was a cataclyzmic failure that saw losses to the Faroe Islands and Claudio Ranieri being ran out of the country like a common pygmy. He then went on to win a Premiership title with Leicester City in one of the best moments in the history of sports just because. Greece has struggled over this past year with losses to Saudi Arabia, Estonia, and Hungary, not to mention a loss against their group rival Finland. The defense is still as obstinate as ever, but when it cracks Greece seems to struggle at chasing the game unless they get a good set piece or Kostas Mitroglou does a thing. 2004 Euros look like a wet dream that won't be seen again, but Greece does have the chance of stealing points against Italy and disrupting the table. ~Armenia has a discount generational talent in Henrikh Mkhitaryan......and no one else. You blew a major shot at success in the Nations League, so you need to hope the countries ahead of you shit the bed to improve your seeding for the World Cup. Have fun being near the cellar. ~~~ Thus ends this wall of text and another year of European footy! Now open wide and watch UEFA laugh in your faces!
A Comprehensive Study proving that Watford FC are the greatest yellow-shirted football team in the world. Part 3 – The United Kingdom
Science is a precise art. Can a collection of rants about football clubs that play in yellow be considered science? Luckily, I have a degree in science, so everything I say is by definition scientific. Thus concludes my greatest piece of work, my magnum opus. A comprehensive study of 160 of the world's football clubs, to prove once and for all that Watford FC are the single greatest yellow-shirted team in the world, by way of pointing out why every other team is shit.
Motherwell: Motherwell list their club colours as claret and amber. Stop trying to be posh Motherwell, it’s not working. If you can’t extract a tragic dinosaur themed safari park out of it, it’s not amber, it’s yellow. Stay in your lane. Partick Thistle: Have you seen the unholy, nuclear disaster of an abomination that is Partick Thistle’s mascot? Keep it the fuck away from me, I’m scared. Albion Rovers: If you tell me that there’s a group of men in yellow that call themselves “The Wee Rovers”, then my first thought is not football. It is in fact disgust. Please, Albion Rovers, live up to your nickname and piss off. Alloa Athletic: Now I have double-checked and Alloa’s badge definitely has a wasp on it and not a hornet. Nature fact: wasps are to hornets as a small child is to Mike Tyson. Alloa Athletic you are tiny and shit and I hope you get caught in a fly trap. East Fife: West Fife best Fife, jog on. Berwick Rangers: Berwick isn’t even in Scotland! Berwick Rangers clearly knew they would be an irrelevance in the English leagues so snuck north of the border instead. Unfortunately, they are a Scottish League Two side which makes them irrelevant anyway. Auchinleck Talbot: No, you’ve never heard of them either. Point made.
Barry Town United: Of all the things to name a town, you name it Barry. My Dad has a cousin called Barry and he works on a market stall selling pears. Nice chap, but not exactly inspiring. Carmarthen Town: What on earth is a Carmarthen? Newport County: Newport are one of a handful of Welsh clubs to play in the English football league, deeming themselves too good to play in the Welsh leagues. Well done Newport, you’re better than Barry Town. You must be so proud.
Burton Albion: Enjoy Burton at home, you cunts. Norwich City: Any city that is over 50 miles from a motorway is, by definition, a village. And villages are crap at football. Plus if a hart came across a canary, it would literally eat it. At least if there was a motorway you could leave. Bradford City: Bradford have a chicken on their badge and deck everything out in red and yellow. This is starting to make me hungry, but going out for a Cheeky Bradford with the lads sounds like a one way ticket to getting a stab wound, so on second thoughts no thanks. Oxford United: Oxford’s stadium has only got three sides. What is this, 2013? Cambridge United: No-one goes to Cambridge to play football, they go to sit on the boats and do maths. Here’s some maths; Cambridge + United = Bollocks. Maidstone United: My mate lives in Maidstone and he says, and I quote, the people are common as and quite rough, and the United fans are all old bald nasty looking men. He is a Chelsea fan so he knows his way around scummy people, believe me. Maidstone, you have been judged and I deem you guilty of being twats. Solihull Moors: Any city with “Hull” in their name is automatically a shithole. Sutton United: It’s all about Piegate, isn’t it? If Sutton fixed bets on purpose, they are scum. If they didn’t, and they simply colluded with the Sun instead, they are scum. Simple. Torquay United: Torquay might impress me if I was retired and looking for a place to die, but I’m not, so it doesn’t. Boston United: Boston is home to the UK’s highest proportion of Brexit voters. If you hate Europe so much why would you live 5 miles from the coast? Every time you go to take your morning piss you’ll see Holland out of the window and it will ruin your day. Philosophical questions aside, I don’t support racism so fuck off somewhere else please, Boston. Ironically. Harrogate Town: It’s quite hard to say something bad about Harrogate because it’s the home of Yorkshire Tea. However I took my Mum to Betty’s of Harrogate in York once and they charge a fiver for a cake the size of a plum, so as far as I’m concerned everyone in Harrogate is a nancy rip-off merchant. Choke on your overpriced cakes you tea bummers. Leamington: I lived in Leamington for 3 years and it doesn’t even have a KFC. What a fucking horrific town. Southport: Southport was conceived one lonely night when Southampton and Portsmouth got very very drunk together and gave in to all that tension. It’s best if everyone just forgets it happened. Gloucester City: My partner was born in Gloucester, and she once asked me if the goalkeepers get sad because they have to play in a different colour to everyone else. If this is indicative of the football knowledge of Gloucester as a whole then I pray for Gloucester City, I really do. East Thurrock United: Refer to Thurrock FC. St Albans City: St Albans was founded by the Romans as Verulamium. That’s very lame of them. Hahahahahahaha. Shit club. Concord Rangers: You’re just a shit Ryanair Celtic. Thurrock FC: Refer to East Thurrock United. Stocksbridge Park Steels: Famous for pretty much one thing, which is being the former club of Jamie Vardy. Never mind that Vardy is one of the best and most surprising English strikers in the game; he drinks enough Red Bull to single-handedly keep the company in business and that makes him a terrible role model. Imagine looking up to a man, and a club who I can only imagine encouraged it whole-heartedly, whose heart is literally vibrating like a hummingbird. You’re chatting shit Stocksbridge. Warrington Town: The people of Warrington don’t care about football, they like rugby league instead. That’s not even the good rugby, fucking hell. Hitchin Town: There’s only room for one yellow team in Hertfordshire. Get to fuck Hitchin. Slough Town: I found a survey that said that Slough is the worst place to live in the UK. In fact I found about 20, so I think it’s pretty safe to say that Slough is pretty fucking awful. Honestly you knew that already. Tiverton Town: Tiverton is known to any frequent traveller of the UK’s railways for one single reason: Tiverton Parkway. And if your town is primarily known for a dual carriageway then your football team is probably terrible. Folkestone Invicta: Invicta is Latin for “undefeated”. If you were undefeated then you probably wouldn’t be playing in the Isthmian League, would you. Booo. Staines Town: Staines was so ruined by the association with Ali G that they changed their name to Staines-upon-Thames. No, really. I think that says a lot about how the town is lacking in respek.
Watford: Watford FC were forged from the heart of a dying star by the second coming of Jesus, Graham Taylor, and the sexiest ginger in history, Elton John. Their stadium has an almost unbelievable four sides, and their captain scores 2 goals a season which is more than Lloris, Carrick and Mertesacker combined. Combine this with the fact that the Hornets have won the prestigious Herts Senior Cup a frankly unfair eighteen times, and it is clear that Watford are not only the premier club in England’s 36th most-populous county, but also the single greatest yellow-shirted team to ever play the game of football. The end.
That concludes today's serving of transfer news and gossip. Thanks for joining us and be sure to check in again tomorrow morning from 7am, as we scour the globe for the very latest from the summer window. Until then, good night! 21:54
WILLIAMS WANTS PL RETURN
Ashley Williams is hoping to help Stoke return to the Premier League at the first attempt, after securing his season-long loan at the club from Everton. 21:22
PREMIER LEAGUE STAGE THRILLS MEYER
Max Meyer cannot wait to show off his skills for Crystal Palace and says the Premier League is tougher and faster than the Bundesliga. 20:53
BORN AGAIN AT BURY?
Bury manager Ryan Lowe is determined to help Callum McFadzean get his career back on track after handing the Scottish midfielder a contract until January. The 24-year-old began his career at Sheffield United but failed to establish himself and spent time on loan at Chesterfield, Burton and Stevenage. McFadzean had a disappointing spell in Scotland with Kilmarnock before dropping down to the fifth tier of English football with Guiseley. “He’s hungry to be a professional footballer again – albeit, he was semi-professional,” Lowe told Bury’s official website. “I’m delighted to give him that opportunity to get back into full-time football because he deserves it.” 20:35
‘DELIGHTED TO BE BACK’
Fresh from sealing his return to Juventus, defender Leonardo Bonucci said: “It was difficult to imagine this would happen, but it’s fantastic that it has. “I’m excited. Turin and Juventus are both home for me and I’m delighted to be back.” 20:19
PUEL: WE NEED TO KEEP MAGUIRE
Claude Puel says Leicester couldn't afford to sell Harry Maguire to Manchester United having already seen Riyad Mahrez leave for Manchester City this summer. 19:56
AC Milan’s capture of Gonzalo Higuain and Mattia Caldara have allowed Leonardo Bonucci to return to Juventus. Bonucci and Higuain played alongside each other as Juve won a sixth straight Serie A title in 2017, before the centre-back departed for Milan last summer in a shock transfer. Beset by spiralling financial problems and poor results on the pitch, though, the Rossoneri failed to qualify for the Champions League last term, convincing a disillusioned Bonucci to opt to push for a return to Juve. Now the 31-year-old has got his move, with Higuain and young Italy defender Caldara acting as makeweights in the deal. 19:51
STOKE SIGN WILLIAMS
Stoke have signed defender Ashley Williams on a season-long loan from Everton. The Wales skipper joined the Toffees from Swansea in 2016, but has slipped down the pecking order at Goodison Park following the arrival of Marco Silva in June. Williams becomes Gary Rowett's sixth summer signing as Stoke aim to return to the Premier League at the first attempt. 19:38
PORTUGUESE LOAN FOR PEREIRA
Goalkeeper Joel Pereira has joined Vitoria Setubal on loan from Manchester United. The 22-year-old, who went on United's summer tour of the United States, spent the 2016/17 season in Portugal with Belenenses. Announcing the deal, United said manager Jose Mourinho was a "firm believer in Pereira's talents". Pereira has made three appearances for United, having joined their academy in 2012. 19:37
It’s been in the offing for a while but we’ve just had confirmation that Gonzalo Higuain is an AC Milan player. The Argentina international has moved to the San Siro on a season-long loan from Serie A champions Juventus. Higuain was joined by Juventus defender Mattia Caldara, who has signed a five-year deal with the Rossoneri to facilitate Leonardo Bonucci’s return to Turin. 19:26
MEYER RELISHING PALACE FANS
Speaking to the club’s official website, new Crystal Palace signing Max Meyer said: "I feel really good and I'm happy to be here. I can't wait to start training with the team and I hope I'll have a good season. "I'm proud to be here and I hope I can make the next step in my career. I want to give my best and I think we can have a good season - maybe better than the last. "I played at Selhurst Park last season for Schalke and the atmosphere was perfect, and I can't wait to experience the atmosphere for a Premier League game." 19:16
So Crystal Palace have pulled off one of the coups of the summer transfer window by securing the services of highly-rated midfielder Max Meyer. The 22-year-old Germany international has signed a three-year deal after his contract at Schalke expired this summer. Meyer is Palace’s third summer signing following the arrival of Vicente Guaita and Cheikhou Kouyate at Selhurst Park. 19:04
Atletico Madrid are the latest club to show interest in Chelsea striker Michy Batshuayi, reports L’Equipe. Atleti want to sign a new striker this summer have been linked with AC Milan’s Nikola Kalinic and Chelsea’s Olivier Giroud. But L’Equipe claim they want Batshuayi and have contacted Chelsea regarding the Belgium international’s availability. Batshuayi spent part of last season on loan at Borussia Dortmund, and Chelsea are understood to be open to loaning the 24-year-old out again. Valencia are believed to be in pole position for such a move, while Everton, Sevilla and Dortmund are also keen on him. 18:25
O’CONNELL NOT FOR SALE
Sheffield United boss Chris Wilder says he has informed Brighton manager Chris Hughton that Blades centre-half Jack O'Connell is not for sale. 18:00
VILLA ENTER MINA RACE?
Aston Villa have made a surprise offer for Barcelona defender Yerry Mina, reports TMW. The Sky Bet Championship side have offered Barcelona an initial fee of €10m and €10m in add-ons. However, Barca are seeking a fee of €40m for the Colombia international, who is also a firm target for Manchester United and Everton. 17:42
Oldham have signed striker Ishmael Miller following a successful trial. The 31-year-old, who has signed a one-year deal, is reunited with Frankie Bunn, who he worked with at Manchester City. Miller last played for Bury in League One but has recently been enjoying a break from football. 17:18
PROJECT EXCITES MAWSON
New Fulham signing Alfie Mawson, speaking to the club’s official website: “I’m really happy to get this over the line and join Fulham. “I’m excited by the project going on here and the football being played last season was lovely on the eye but also effective and I can’t wait to be a part of it and get going. “I’m excited to be a part of this great Club moving forward and to help achieve success in the Premier League." 17:16
FULHAM SIGN MAWSON
So Fulham have finally got their man, completing the signing of Alfie Mawson from Swansea on a four-year deal. The 24-year-old has moved to Craven Cottage for an undisclosed fee, which Sky Sports News understands to be in the region of £15m. 17:01
Lincoln have signed versatile Nottingham Forest defender Adam Crookes on a season-long loan. The 20-year-old has been on trial at Sincil Bank during pre-season and impressed enough in the club’s friendlies to earn a move. Imps boss Danny Cowley told the club’s official website: “He can play left-centre half, holding midfield, he’s got a real versatility and there’s no doubt he’s going to make the very best of his ability. “Of all the boys, the young player are the ones who have A-Star attitude and you always want them in and around the building.” 16:55
New West Ham signing Xande Silva told the club’s official website: “This is a very important moment for me. "This is a new experience for me, out of Portugal. I am very happy to be here at West Ham. I am a technical player and I am very fast. I will give West Ham 100 per cent on the pitch every time I play. "It's a big dream of mine to play here in England. This is a club with a big history, with very good fans and I'm very excited to be here." 16:53
HAMMERS SIGN SILVA
Portugal youth international striker Xande Silva has become West Ham's latest summer signing. The 21-year-old has signed a three-year deal with the Hammers after joining from Vitoria de Guimaraes for an undisclosed fee. Silva will start out with West Ham's U23s and may have to wait to feature in Manuel Pellegrini's first team. 16:50
SPURS LIKE COOK
Some more Tottenham news as we understand they are admirers of Bournemouth’s Lewis Cook. However, he is not thought to be one of their main transfers targets at this stage. Earlier we reported that Spurs will listen to offers for Toby Alderweireld, Danny Rose and Mousa Dembele. They also want two signings before the window closes. All the details about Spurs' potential plans here. 16:37
BORO BAG LONERGAN
Middlesbrough have announced the signing of experienced goalkeeper Andy Lonergan. The 34-year-old has joined Boro on a free transfer after leaving Leeds last month. He will provide competition to Darren Randolph and Dimi Konstantopoulos for the number-one jersey at the Riverside. Lonergan has made almost 400 career appearances since starting out at his hometown club Preston. He has also played for Darlington, Blackpool, Wycombe, Swindon, Leeds, Bolton, Fulham and Wolves. 16:29
POTTS PUTS PEN TO PAPER
Luton defender Dan Potts has signed a new three-year contract with the Sky Bet League One club. The 24-year-old left-back, named in the Sky Bet League Two team of the year last season, had one year remaining on his previous deal. “It’s very good news for us, the club, that he’s committed his future for three years, so we’re delighted,” Luton boss Nathan Jones told the club’s official website. “We had to fend off a lot of offers for a few of our players and Dan was one of those.” 16:18
West Ham sign young Portuguese forward Xande Silva from Vitoria de Guimaraes on three-year contract. 16:16
More now on the news we brought you earlier that Abdoulaye Doucoure has signed a new long-term contract at Watford. The 25-year-old’s future at Vicarage Road had been the subject of intense speculation this summer but he has committed his future to the Hornets for the next five years. "I am delighted that Abdoulaye has shown his commitment to what we are trying to achieve by signing a new long-term contract with Watford," chairman Scott Duxbury said. "It has become perfectly clear that our ambitions as a club match Abdoulaye's ambitions as a player, and we are looking forward to continuing to work together to reach our goals." 16:14
Burnley have made a bid of £12m for Middlesbrough defender Ben Gibson, according to Sky sources. 16:09
HUNT EARNS CREWE CONTRACT
Nicky Hunt has earned a 12-month contract at Crewe after impressing at the club during a summer trial. “I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my time here during pre-season and it’s been great,” the 34-year-old said. “I’ve had four weeks to prove myself and ultimately I’ve got a deal at the end of it.” 16:06
NEW ARRIVAL AT NEWPORT
Newport have signed 19-year-old Cardiff striker Mark Harris on a six-month loan deal. 16:03
Tottenham are understood to be in the market for two signings before the window closes on August 9, according to Sky sources. One player on their radar is Aston Villa forward Jack Grealish, the other depends on who they manage to sell. Sky Sports News understands Spurs are willing to listen to offers for Toby Alderweireld, Danny Rose and Mousa Dembele this summer. 15:48
One-time Chelsea target Mattia Caldara is undergoing a medical at AC Milan, the Serie A club have announced. It is understood the arrival of the 24-year-old Juventus centre-back at the San Siro will facilitate Leonardo Bonucci’s return to Turin. https://twitter.com/acmilan/status/1025043161612267521 15:37
So Sky sources report that Tottenham will listen to offers for Toby Alderweireld, Danny Rose and Mousa Dembele this summer. Sky Sports News previously reported Manchester United interest in Alderweireld. The Belgium international’s contract expires next summer but Spurs have the option to extend to 2020, which would trigger a £25m release clause next summer. At this stage there have been no formal talks or offers and Alderweireld is expected back at Spurs training on Monday. Alderweireld’s compatriot Dembele is out of contract next summer. Rose, who is under contract at White Hart Lane until 2021, has spoken candidly about his life at the club in interviews and his pitch time was limited last season. In January, Spurs chairman Daniel Levy told Sky Sports News: “Every single player that we want to keep, I can assure you will be playing for Tottenham next season." 15:17
SPURS WILL CONSIDER OFFERS FOR TRIO
Tottenham will consider any offers for Toby Alderweireld, Danny Rose and Mousa Dembele should they materialise in this window, Sky Sports News understands. 15:12
BAYERN TIE DOWN AWOUDJA
Bayern Munich have handed young defender Maxime Awoudja his first professional contract, the Bundesliga champions have announced. “I’m just happy to have signed my first professional contract here at Bayern,” the 20-year-old said. “Now I want to make the next step in my career. I know I need to work at least just as hard as I have done so far to achieve that.” https://twitter.com/FCBayernEN/status/1025035179260305409 15:03
JONES JOINS FLEETWOOD
Fleetwood have signed goalkeeper Paul Jones following his recent departure from Norwich. The 32-year-old, whose contract at Carrow Road expired at the end of last season, has agreed a 12-month deal with the Cod Army. “The 32-year-old becomes Joey Barton’s 10th signing of the summer transfer window, after a successful trial period at the club,” a club statement read. Jones spent the second half of last season on loan at Exeter, for whom he made nearly 200 appearances earlier in his career after progressing through Leyton Orient’s youth system. 14:49
ACCRINGTON LAND ZANZALA
Accrington have signed striker Offrande Zanzala from Derby for an undisclosed fee. The 21-year-old, who spent the second half of last season on loan at Accrington, has agreed a two-year deal with the Sky Bet League One club. “When I came here I loved every bit of it, training and bonding with the lads,” Zanzala said. “I was made to feel welcome from the very first day I came here last season and to have been offered a permanent contract is an offer that I simply couldn’t turn down.” 14:39
BECKS APPOINTS SPORTING DIRECTOR
David Beckham’s planned MLS team in Miami has hired Paul McDonough as its sporting director. McDonough will leave his role as Atlanta United’s vice president this weekend, allowing him to join the Miami club which is still without a name and stadium. He was initially hired by Atlanta as director of soccer operations in December 2015 and helped the club to make the MLS Cup play-offs in its inaugural season. 14:29
TOON AFTER N'SOKI
Sky sources: Rafa Benitez wants to sign PSG’s French U20 international Stanley N’Soki for Newcastle. We’re told talks have taken place between the clubs, however Benitez admitted in Portugal last night he has “no idea” if any transfers are close. The left back would cost Newcastle in the region of £7m. N’Soki has only made one appearance for PSG, however he has been involved in their pre-season matches. 14:21
DUNDEE SIGN NABI
Dundee have announced the signing of former Peterborough midfielder Adil Nabi after a successful trial period. The 24-year-old has agreed a six-month contract. 14:13
WHAT'S IN A TRANSFER?
Fees, abilities, personalities... We've lifted the lid on the intricacies of the transfer market and how individual deals come about. It's even more detailed than you might think. Read all about it HERE 13:59
RODRIGUEZ BID REJECTED
Burnley have had a bid for former striker Jay Rodriguez knocked back by West Brom, according to Sky sources. The Clarets put in a £16m offer for the forward, but that is significantly below what the Baggies would be willing to sell for. We reported earlier in the window that West Brom want more than £20m for Rodriguez. 13:58
MIRALLAS SET TO LEAVE
Kevin Mirallas is set to complete a loan move from Everton to Fiorentina in the coming hours, Sky sources understand. The Belgian winger has reportedly been cast out of the Toffees' first-team plans this season. 13:44
Newcastle have finally added to their ranks with Yoshinori Muto having been granted a work permit, and signing a four-year contract at St James' Park. The Japanese forward joins the club from Mainz. 13:02
WHO IS THE FAKE AGENT?
Willian might be on his way out of Chelsea this summer, but some potential suitors have been sounded out for a player who doesn't even know about it - with a fake agent pretending to represent the Brazil man. Willian has taken to social media to hit back at a letter which is said to have been sent on his behalf to clubs. 12:57
WATCH: TRANSFER CENTRE BULLETIN
EMERY'S BUSINESS DONE?
Arsenal boss Unai Emery will be happy if he makes no further additions to his squad this summer, he has said. The Gunners have made five signings this summer, and have filled in a number of key positions in the process. "At the moment I am very happy with the players who are with here with us," he said. "I am telling you now, we are ok." 12:31
BONUCCI ARRIVES IN TURIN
Leonardo Bonucci has arrived at Juventus to complete a medical ahead of a move to the Old Lady. The AC Milan defender, aged 31, spent seven years with the Turin club - before he left for his current side last summer. 12:24
BURNLEY BID FOR CLUCAS
Burnley have put in an £8m bid for Swansea midfielder Sam Clucas, Sky sources understand. The 27-year-old signed for the Swans from Hull City last summer, and scored three Premier League goals as the Welsh side were relegated last season. 12:17
WATCH: CAMPBELL ON EMERY
Former Arsenal captain Sol Campbell has been in to Sky Sports News this morning - and shared his views on new boss Unai Emery. 12:03
SKALAK JOINS MILWALL
Jiri Skalak has left Brighton to join Millwall on undisclosed terms. The winger has ended a two-and-a-half year stay at Brighton after arriving from Mlada Boleslav in February 2016. 11:53
DEFOE LIFTS THE LID
Jermain Defoe has lifted the lid on his deadline-day move from Tottenham to Portsmouth in 2008, revealing he was never asked to take a medical as they rushed the move through. 11:29
WHAT'S IN A TRANSFER?
Fees, abilities, personalities... We've lifted the lid on the intricacies of the transfer market and how individual deals come about. It's even more detailed than you might thin. Read all about it right here. 11:13
KOVACIC 'REJECTS UNITED OVER TACTICS'
Well this is a slap in the face. Real Madrid midfielder Mateo Kovacic has reportedly turned down a move to Manchester United because he doesn't like Jose Mourinho's tactics. The Daily Mail says Kovacic does not want to play under the Portuguese manager - and would rather stay in Spain than move to Old Trafford. 10:44
SARRI 'NOT HAPPY' WITH WILLIAN
In what was initially reported as a passport mix-up, it turns out new Chelsea boss Maurizio Sarri is not happy with winger Willian - who has been linked with a move away from Stamford Bridge this summer - over his late return to their pre-season preparations. When asked after last night's penalty shoot-out defeat to Arsenal in the International Champions Cup whether he had returned to training, he said: "I want to speak to him before I answer these questions. "I don't know. I am not happy about the situation but I would like to talk to him. "Is it strange? I think so." 10:18
LUKE MURPHY JOINS TROTTERS
Bolton Wanderers have confirmed the signing of midfielder Luke Murphy, less than 24 hours after he left former club Leeds United. The 28 year-old arrives at the University of Bolton Stadium on a two-year deal. 10:13
TRANSFER CENTRE BULLETIN
The latest transfer news round up this morning from Sky Sports News... 10:05
HOLMES HEADS TO OXFORD
Ricky Holmes is expected to join Oxford on a half-season loan from Sheffield United today, after Blades boss Chris Wilder confirmed the news. The 31-year-old is thought to be set to complete the move within 24 hours. 10:04
WHERE HAVE MAGPIES GONE WRONG?
Newcastle spent some £52m on buys in Benitez's first season at the club - but they still sold £80m of players that same summer. Even with a summer of spending more than they earned in 2017/18, they have still made a profit of £45m on transfers since he became manager. 09:58
WATCH: BENITEZ BLEAK ON TRANSFERS
NEWCASTLE PROBLEMS MOUNTING?
Rafa Benitez's pleas for money to add to his Newcastle United squad are getting louder - and he made a clear plea to the club's owner Mike Ashley last night, with barely a week left of the transfer window. He said: "It's concerning with the season 10 days away. That should be a wake-up call for everyone (at the club). If we don't improve everything we will suffer. "The only positive was the attitude of the young players." 09:37
BRIGHTON WARNED OVER O'CONNELL
Sheffield United boss Chris Wilder has this morning confirmed he has spoken to Brighton manager Chris Hughton and told him defender Jack O’Connell is not for sale. In relation to the sale of David Brooks - who left for Bournemouth earlier this summer, he said: “The two situations are completely different and Jack will be involved this weekend.” 09:23
BRYAN JOINS BLADES
Kean Bryan has become Sheffield United's fifth signing of the summer, joining from Manchester City on a three-year deal. The defender spent last season on loan with Oldham in League 1, winning their Young Player of the Year award and is capped by England from Under-17 up to Under-20 level. 09:19
WILLIAMS SET FOR STOKE LOAN
Everton centre back Ashley Williams is due to arrive at Stoke City’s training ground this afternoon ahead of a medical. Sky sources understand the agreement with the Toffees will see the 33-year old Wales international move on loan to the Championship club for the season. Manager Gary Rowett told Sky Sports News earlier this week that he still needed more defensive cover before the window closes. We also understand that Everton are in talks with Stoke City over a deal to take midfielder Badou N'Diaye to Goodison Park, 08:39
JAMES TO STAY AT YEOVIL
Defender Tom James is set to stay at Yeovil after his proposed move to West Bromwich Albion fell through. The Glovers had accepted an undisclosed bid, understood by Sky sources to be around £400,000, earlier this week. 07:53
HORNETS KEEP HOLD OF CAPTAIN
Watford have no interest in selling striker Troy Deeney this summer, according to Sky sources. Cardiff City are understood to have cooled their interest in the 30-year-old following an initial inquiry. And sources have told Sky Sports News that Deeney is seen as a key player in Javi Gracia's squad at Vicarage Road this season. 07:31
Here's the top stories from this morning's newspapers:
Chelsea are ready to hijack Tottenham's bid to sign Aston Villa midfielder Jack Grealish. (The Sun)
Tottenham are plotting a £30m swoop for Bournemouth midfielder Lewis Cook. (Daily Express)
Chelsea are ready to take their battle for Juventus striker Gonzalo Higuain to the wire amid reports he is not keen on any part of his proposed AC Milan move being a loan. (Daily Mirror)
Barcelona technical secretary Eric Abidal has reportedly denied holding a meeting with Manchester United star Paul Pogba about a summer move. (Daily Express)
The FA will tell Gareth Southgate they cannot offer him Premier League wages when a new deal for the England manager is put on the table. (Daily Mail)
RECAP: UTD WANT MINA
Manchester United have stepped up their chase of Yerry Mina after cooling their interest in Harry Maguire, Sky sources revealed last night. Following on from that, The Sun is this morning reporting United's 'transfer fixer' Matt Judge is on his way to Spain to conclude a deal for the Colombian. 06:36
PAPERS: DUO WANT GREALISH
The main headline from this morning's papers is the news Chelsea are reportedly ready to rival Tottenham for Aston Villa winger Jack Grealish. New Blues boss Maurizio Sarri has a reputation for having no issue playing young players - but he might have Callum Hudson-Odoi for company, with the youngster having shone for his side in their International Champions Cup draw with Arsenal last night. 06:26
Welcome to the transfer blog on Thursday, August 2 where there's only seven full days of the window left, and as teams begin bringing their pre-season preparations to an end. Will some itchy fingers in boardrooms see some more big fees spent in the final days of the window? Let's find out... Join the discussion on Discord. I am a bot. Found any errors? Contact /Football Mods
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