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The Featherlight Transmission, Ch. 20

To my supreme irritation, the entrance to the Library is currently outside the city, tucked up against the outside of the Wall at the bottom of some dug-out earthen stairs that weren’t there yesterday. Northeastern quadrant, somewhere. So I’ve got to go all the way to Eleven, out the Gate, and then aaaaaall the way up and around the perimeter of the entire fucking city until I find the hole it’s in. And I have to do it within the next couple of days, or the entrance is going to move and I’ll be further back than where I started. I can’t even begin to guess how many miles that is. Without a lift, it’ll be midnight by the time I get to the spot, and I do not love the prospect of trying to find one small hole in the Desert by light of grainy night vision. Not to mention my knees will probably just stage a revolt and suicide bomb themselves out of my body before I’m even a third of the way there.
Who do I know that owns a set of wheels? Em doesn’t. Ten doesn’t need one - her best friend is basically a diesel truck with fists and she just rides around on his shoulders.
And that’s all the friends I have. When I started that paragraph I thought it would be a longer list, for some reason.
Okay. Time to call in a favor.
The inside of my head rings a few times, then beeps once. There’s a familiar voice.
“Hey Lieutenant.”
“... Featherlight. Is someone dead? Or about to be?”
“Not this time. Are you on lunch yet?”
“In twenty minutes. Why?”
“I need a favor.”
“... What kind of favor.”
“A ride.”
“I’m not a goddamn taxi, take a train like everyone else.”
“I need a ride out of the city.”
“Okay. That’s great. It’s also out of the question.”
“You owe me.”
The line’s quiet for a second. I can hear him light a cigarette, then exhale once.
“What’s this about, Featherlight?”
“The case. Sort of.”
“Okay. It’s my case. So, be more specific or I’m hanging up.”
“Alright, it’s not directly related to the case. But it’ll help move everything forward. Along with every other case in the future, probably. Or lead to some fun new ones, what do I know.”
“... Spill it or I’m throwing this phone out my goddamn window.”
“That would be a really stupid thing to do to your own phone. You know I’m not physically inside your phone right now, right? It wouldn’t even hurt me. Well, apart from my feelings-”
“Five seconds.”
“I’m going to the Library.”
I can hear him take the receiver away from his head and look around the office, making sure no one’s around to eavesdrop.
“And I’m supposed to help you do this because… ?”
“Because you owe me. And because me becoming a better operative only benefits you in the end, boss.”
“Benefits me how, exactly? If anyone catches wind of this, I’m gonna be ashes before sundown. Do you have any idea how much of a Category Five shitstorm would break out if it was discovered that one of the Watch’s most decorated detectives was caught helping a mage get to the place where mages learn more magic? I can save the time by just hanging myself right here in my office, Featherlight. I can do it with this very fucking phone cable.”
“Now now, Lieutenant. Everyone knows the Library doesn’t exist. And who’s gonna find out? I’ve got scramblers, which you already helped into my hands. You’re just giving me a lift out of the city. No one’s the wiser.”
“You still haven’t explained how you becoming a more aberrant aberration helps me or anyone else in any way.”
“Have some goddamn imagination, Deepwell. What, you don’t trust me?”
Only sort of?
I sniff indignantly. “Well. I’ve never done anything but help you advance the cause of justice.”
“And your bank account.”
And the safety of innocent civilians everywhere. Look, Deepwell. I’m being watched. I’ve already been attacked on the streets once. People are after me, and some of them are even heavier hitters than I am. Now, I haven’t done a goddamn thing but help nudge your career ever forward, for years, at a penny rate that most other self-respecting human beings would interpret as a flat insult. I might not be a paragon of moral fucking purity or anything, but I’ve never put a single toe wrong and I’ve never not been on your side, since day one. You can either be a friend now and lend a guy a goddamn hand, or sit high and dry with every other reptile that’s tried to fuck me over for being what I am. Pick.”
Frankly, this is overdue, maybe by years. It’s time for Lieutenant Deepwell to either engage with me on a human level, or admit to both me and himself that he sees me as nothing other than a tool to be used for his own benefit and discarded at the first sign of flaw. Either way, I want to hear him say it. This is the breaking point. I brace for impact.
He doesn’t say anything for a good long while, but I can hear him smoking, calm as ever. But he finds his voice eventually.
“Alright, Featherlight. Mother and Father help me, but alright. I can only pray that I’m not helping make another goddamn monster. Just thinking about your after-arrest paperwork landslide is enough to give me indigestion.”
“I’m already a monster, babycakes. Fortunately for you, I’m one of the decent ones.”
“I guess we’ll see. Where are you?”
“Meet me at the Sector Sixteen entrance station.”
“Twenty minutes.”
“Got it. See you then.”
We hang up.
I’ve got a fucking police escort, baby.
Seventeen minutes later, Deepwell is rolling up in a reinforced paddy wagon, the kind of ironclad mobile prison you use to arrest whole armies of angry drunks at once. Not fashionable. However, I cannot physically fit inside a normal Watch street cruiser, so I’ll just have to accept the blow to my style points.
He gets out and opens the rear door for me, because it would look weird as shit if a mid-ranking Watchman pulled up and just let some freak clanker slab hop into the back of his wagon without prompting.
Inside, it’s not what I’d call a hotel room. High brackets mounted in two lines along the walls, for chaining lawbreakers’ wrists above their heads. Only the barest whisper of cushioning on the benches to prevent suspects from dividing their own bodies on hard metal edges. Whole rest of the interior is stark metal with some kind of transparent laminate, so the precinct can hose the cabin down without any fuss, in the event of detainees getting all splattery.
I hunch my head down and take a seat by the drivers’ cab window grate. Even though this thing was designed to contain 6-8 arrestees without too many broken bones, you’d have a hard time fitting more than two of me in here.
The Lieutenant fires up the engine, and we’re off down the road.
He looks in the rearview at me and says, “Since I’m kind and generous enough to risk my career by playing chauffeur for you, you wanna fill me in on what exactly’s been going on?”
I tell him the entire thing, more or less. There isn’t much reason to hold anything back anymore. If he’s going to be on my side, I might as well be honest with him. I even tell him about the missing cryomancer. He’s cheesed with me about it for a second, but loosens up after he hears about me getting one of my eyes knocked out.
“Seagraves. Fuck. That guy’s at or near the tippy-top of every wanted list in the city. His bounty is so huge that it’s started to collect interest on itself. It’s so ludicrously big that people can’t help but try to collect it, he keeps murdering them, so his bounty just gets bigger, on and on. I won’t lie - I’m kind of heartbroken that you didn’t call me after gluing him to the street. That arrest would have made me Captain all by itself. Hell, they’d probably skip Captain and just make me Major of the entire district.”
“He was professional with me and tipped me off on who hired him, so I threw him a bone.”
He snorts. “Don’t let any officers other than me hear you say that. Seagraves’s augmetics are greased with gallons and gallons of Watchman blood. Some guys have made it their life’s mission to take their vengeance out of Seagraves’s hide. I don’t think there’s anyone in the city the Watch hates more than Krint Seagraves.”
“Would you’ve been able to arrest him? The guy’s so strong that he probably funds his operations by punching people into diamonds. The only reason I got away from him was magic and about seven dump trucks full of luck.”
The Lieutenant doesn’t have an immediate response to this. “... Maybe not. No one else has been able to pull it off. But I would’ve fucking tried.” He lights a cigarette. “Anyway. Him being involved confirms at least one thing - the Brotherhood want you in a vat. Or in a bag. In something. So much for bribery.”
“Yeah. And if they keep pressing, they’re gonna get me eventually. The entire Brotherhood is more enemy than one guy can handle, even if I am a lot of guy. Hence the Library. If I’m going to make it out of this alive, I need to learn some new tricks.”
“I understand that. I don’t love it a whole lot, but… put it this way, you’re about the only arcanist in this city that can say ‘Hey Deepwell, I’m gonna go become a more powerful wizard, just like Kartullus!’ and not get immediately Watched all over.”
“... Didn’t Kartullus get more powerful by devouring the souls of nine-thousand nine-hundred and ninety-nine willing sacrifices?”
“I wouldn’t know anything about that, Featherlight. I am a good citizen who does not pollute his mind with tales of atavist mumbo jumbo. But yes, he did. And then he turned a third of the world into a zombie-infested undead empire and ruled over it for four hundred years.”
“I don’t want to rule a third of the world. I mostly want to rule my apartment.”
“Some would say that’s how it starts.”
“Others would say that doing anything past that would take ambition, which I am notoriously bereft of.”
“People change.”
I look him flat in the eyes. “Look, Deepwell. If I come out of the Library scattering lunglocker spores and plague juice everywhere while cackling about becoming an invincible death mutant to drown the world in a tide of disease and monsters, I give you permission to shoot me right in the face.”
“... Would that even stop you at that point?”
“Probably not. But I also give you permission to just… I dunno, tell the Mayor or something. A single Wellwarden would probably be more than capable of cutting my nefarious ass in half regardless of how biomantic I get.”
“I don’t really want to get anywhere near a Wellwarden. If you go all Primordial on me I’ll probably just skip town and let the Brotherhood handle it. I’ve got family in Valtea. I’d be fine farming.”
“Not gonna lay down your life for the security of the city, big man? Badge too heavy?”
“I love my job and I love my town, but it pays to know when love needs to run out.”
You know what’s interesting? He’s lying. It’s in his vitae - you can see the wavering, the subtle bruised-shadow discoloration that comes from hidden shame. He wouldn’t cut town if there was a real, honest-to-gods megamonster on the streets. He’d wrestle it with his own two arms and die trying to cram his revolver down the beast’s throat. He’d go out like a goddamn supernova, just as blinding as his vitae is.
Most people lie to make themselves seem more valorous than they actually are. Deepwell is lying to make himself seem more cowardly. I wonder why.
We’re quiet for a little while. Deepwell and I aren’t friends. We’ve just worked together for a few years. Neither of us is really comfortable enough with the other to engage on a personal topic, but we’re too familiar to erect a panicked sonic barrier of small talk between us. We just let the city judder and limp past us. It’s not rush hour, but it’s Wellspring City, so driving is only marginally faster than going backwards, regardless of what time of day it is. The trains ride on rails high above the streets most of the time, so they’re always faster when you can catch one. The only reason I wanted a ride is for once we’re outside the Wall.
And honestly, I just really don’t want to exit the city’s protective clamshell by myself. I’ve mentioned my issues with agoraphobia. I’ve only had to go outside the Gate maybe two or three times in my life and I hated it on each occasion. Horizons are overrated. It’s just a fucking line with two colors on either side. People always getting so het up over them like they have intrinsic meaning.
Is this tough guy posturing making me seem more confident? God I don’t want to go out there.
But I have to.
The human condition is kind of funny that way. The very first thing any of us do is something we desperately, hatefully do not want. It’s not even a choice. We’d rather do literally anything else. We kick, and we scream, and it’s cold and terrifying and we just want to go back in.
Then we keep doing it over and over, every day, for the rest of our fucking lives. How fucked up is that?
I think the true mark of wisdom is when a guy finally figures out how to stop being born. It’s been 29 years and I still haven’t gotten there. Maybe someday. Until then, I’m clawing and bawling the whole way down the road.
“Why not just take another job?”
I raise an eyebrow. “Hm?”
“I know you know this isn’t the only bounty on the board. We’ve got plenty. Some of them even have names and pictures attached. Really easy. Kid’s stuff, frankly. I’ve already given you your consultant fees. Why not just… do something else? It seems like this job might be hotter than it’s worth.”
“Well… you know me, Deepwell. I love a good scrap.”
“... What? No you don’t. The last time I gave you a tip that led to you boxing a guy you complained for five straight hours about all the different places you’d rather be and things you’d rather be doing. All of them were ‘taking a nap in my apartment’. The gods put the brain of a total slacker into the body of a quadruple-threat fighting machine.”
“That is an exaggeration, officer.”
“Barely. Come up with a better deflection.”
“You want the short answer or the long answer?” “The real answer.”
“Okay. The real answer is that I’m tired of living just for me. I used to do more and now I don’t do anything. I’m slipping into nothing. Yeah, most of me wants to jump ship and pretend like none of this ever happened. Just ignore all of it. Ignore the inquest, ignore the conspiracy, ignore the threats on my life and the lives of my friends, just roll over and go back to sleep. It’d be easy, Deepwell.”
He knows what I mean. “Yeah. It would be.”
“I’m not about to turn upside down and go full anti-Rec insurrectionist or anything, but… this shit has to stop, whatever it is. I’m just one of the assholes that got cursed with the power to do something about it. There’s someone out there trying to stir shit up in a major way, and we’ll see if they want to keep going after a Featherlight floats to the top.”
Deepwell smiles a little. “You kind of remind me of me when I was your age.”
My brow comes crashing down like a landslide. “I’m sorry, what? How fucking old are you?”
“I’m 29, you imperious jackass.”
“People can change a lot in three years. Three years ago I kind of felt like you do now. I wasn’t sure about my place. Wasn’t sure about where I was headed and why, or if any of it was going to be worth spending my only life on it. Then something happened, and I crystallized. I knew where I was supposed to be.”
“Yeah? I wanna be a crystal. What happened?”
He fixes his eyes on mine through the rearview again. He’s still smiling, very slightly. But it isn’t a happy smile.
“I killed a man.”
His eyes go back on the road, like that’s nothing.
“... Oh.”
Neither of us says anything for a bit. Procedure says there has to be at least some amount of silence after someone says those four words in that order.
He continues, “No need to get all wilty on me or anything, I’ve had years to live with it. And this wasn’t the kind of guy you have a funeral for.”
The Lieutenant takes a long, contemplative drag from his smoke. “But it’s kind of funny, in a way. My career up until that point was in catching people, and I was pretty good at it. Killing isn’t in my job description. Not officially, at least. I didn’t want to kill anyone, that’s not what I signed up to do. But for years, I thought to myself that same tough guy crap you hear from younger Watchmen. ‘I’m not out to kill, but I will if I have to. Don’t push me the wrong way, scum. It’ll be just like taking out the trash.’ I sat there with an itchy trigger finger and convinced myself that if it ever came down to me, I’d fire and forget all about it.”
“... I take it that’s not what happened.”
“No. It wasn’t.” He sighs. “You remember the Slither Pit?”
It takes me a second, but then I do remember. “Yeah. Ugh, yeah, I do. Jith Landup’s rape joint. I was on other work at the time, but I remember seeing his bounty go up once you guys had started closing in on him. I nearly took it, but then it went down.”
“Did you ever hear what ended up happening to him?”
“No, I wasn’t really paying all that close attention.” “I happened to him.”
“... Ah. That’d be why I haven’t heard anything about him in a while.”
“We cornered him and he tried using one of his girls as a human shield. Gun to her head, told us to back off. Y’know, like a hero. We gave him all the opportunities the rulebook tells us to. Second and third chances. Procedure is clear after that, and a good Watchman doesn’t spit on the rules. “Landup was never the brightest. He didn’t bother trying to hide his head behind the girl’s. And it’s not like we were at opposite ends of a slaughterball stadium or anything, it was an unmissable shot. I don’t have camera eyes like some of us, but I can play back that moment in my head, even now. It’s kind of incredible what a digpop shell does to a man when you fire it directly into his corpus callosum. In one frame there’s a whole and complete human head, sneering and insisting that you’re not bold enough to take the shot. You pull the trigger, and in the next frame it’s just two gallons of red paint and a handful of teeth.”
He takes another long drag. There’s no agony in his face that I can see. None in his voice, either. Change the words out and he could be talking about cleaning toilets, or balancing his checkbook.
“I killed Landup so bad I could taste him from fifteen feet away.”
I suppress a shiver.
“Well… look, you’re not gonna catch me wringing my hands over the headless corpse of poor old Jith Landup, serial rapist and sex slaver. If there’s anybody that deserved to be turned into vat carrots, it’s him.”
He nods calmly. “I know. That’s what I thought when I pulled the trigger and that’s what I thought after. But I was surprised to find that there was still a difference. Something was different. No, Landup wasn’t worth anything to anyone. The opposite, actually - the man was so foul that if you buried him no grass would ever grow on the grave. But that knowledge didn’t stop me from having nightmares about it. And that’s when I knew I was exactly where I needed to be.”
“... You had to do something that gave you nightmares, so your reaction was to... keep doing it?”
He smirks joylessly. “What kind of Watchman would you rather have on the streets? The one that pulls the trigger because the rules have finally let him? Or the one that only does because the rules make him?”
“I’d rewrite the rulebook to make a new Watchman, honestly. But if you make me pick, sure, the second one.”
“I’m glad. Because there are more of the first than you’d think.”
That gets a chuckle out of me. “Uh… I think I’m experienced enough in fuckhead Watch harassment to realize that a hefty portion of you are bad eggs. I can’t walk three blocks in the Inner Circle without getting picked up for suspicious activity. My activity is walking to the candy store in Sector Two I like. That’s as innocent as activities get, pal. But my face is a crime against nature, and I guess the Watch are environmentally conscious.”
“There are some Watchmen for whom supremacy and bullying are more important than maintaining the peace and upholding justice. And those are the guys that rule the roost. Because they’re the ones that get along best with the Brotherhood. I’m not sure how it wound up this way.”
“I’ve got a few fucking ideas. But I’m not gonna sit here and pretend to be an expert on human nature. Frankly, I don’t know how you wear the same badge as some of these vermin. Should shack up with the Surgeons. Lose about a hundred pounds and you’d probably do pretty well with them.”
“There are only ever two approaches, Featherlight. Do you stay and try to fix the thing you love from the inside, or do you jump ship and find something else to believe in?”
“In my experience it’s best to not go diving after sunk costs.”
“And in mine it’s best to stand your ground. If I didn’t think I could change the Watch for the better, I wouldn’t have stuck with it for as long as I have. And you can tell your Surgeons that they’d do a lot more good if they put on a uniform and went through the right channels. Like civilized people. Instead of setting a bad example for impressionable young minds. Such as yours.”
“Fuck you, Lieutenant Beergut. I’m too big to impress. You’d need construction equipment or a team of automechs.”
“Not gonna go all vigilante on me, are ya? Start breaking into medical supply closets and beating up people in alleys to make your points?”
I snort. “I’ve been considering it for the last decade and a half. It can’t pay any worse than what I get now. And I bet I could do more justice with a shadow and two fists than you could with an armory and a whole precinct of goons.”
“We generally prefer to take our suspects alive and undamaged, Featherlight. Due process and whatnot. Ground vatmeat can’t stand trial.”
Trials. So easily you place shackles on the eager claws of Justice.” I throw a paw dismissively.
Deepwell just shakes his head.

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Wager victor is a moderately ongoing theorist that start its tasks in 2016 in the wake of accomplishing an administration permit from (Curaçao eGaming) for working on the web. Betb2b.com fabricated this site, and it is a similar program that is adding to 1xBET (acclaimed administrator of Russia) since 2007.
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MuchBetter and the sky is the limit from there
This is something we appreciate prescribe when you are simply beginning on another game. Start by playing for no particular reason, and once you've seen that you can bring in cash at this game, at that point toss in some genuine and unique rupees.
Genuine wagering is a zenith with brilliant highlights and extraordinary advancements
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Beside the live wagering segment, we notice a catch named "supertoto'", and we choose to look at it. It ends up being another uncommon capacity, which is truly remarkable when contrasted with Unibet. Supertoto is a basic method to put down a wager on sports. The objective is to wagered on the result of whatever number matches as could be expected under the circumstances. You can wager on a success, lose or draw.
Matchbook offers a total sportsbook with in excess of 40 distinct games classifications to bet on, including cricket, football, tennis, horse dashing and practically all the famous games, just as e-sports, expert wrestling and different less normal games. You have a decision of live wagering on each live match that is occurring right now, and numerous competitions can even be live-spilled with liberated from cost office. The main standard is that you include put down a wager inside the most recent 24 hours. That gives you full access to the live spilling capacity.
Betfair is one of the world's biggest global online games wagering specialist co-ops. Betfair has more than 2,000 utilizes around the world. Betfair holds betting permit in Malta, Gibraltar Italy, Tasmania and the United States. Betfair is promising in conveying exclusive expectations of respectability and has ensured more than 40 Memoranda of Understanding with the administering groups of sports.
Betfair is the most significant wagering bookmaker on the planet, offering a wide scope of wagering items including exotics wagering markets and extraordinary games, huge poker networks, arcade games and a gambling club.
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32-Meridian BET
Meridian Bet is a main worldwide supplier of on the web and land-based games wagering arrangements with 700+ wagering shops in 35 nations around four landmasses? Their most noteworthy accomplishment is the steady income development pace of 20% over the most recent three years. They likewise offer an every minute of every day client assistance by means of live talk, telephone, email or informal community.
Inside an incredibly solemn methodology towards security and visitor administration, SBOBET is a main web based gaming brand. They have won the Asian Operator of the year grant for 2009-10. SBOBET offers you a quick and secure player condition with prompt winning outcomes, fast installments and simple access to nonstop web based wagering.
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38-Red Sport
Red game is a worldwide games betting organization. It started to include in sports sponsorship in 2010. This organization is among the first non-US online games wagering organizations working in the United States. It is additionally an individual from ESSA, which is the European wagering uprightness body.
39-Cloud wager
Cloud wager directs the wagering business through a chain of authorized shops that are situated in Ireland and the UK. It offers online games wagering, online club and poker, online bingo and numerous other web based games.
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Sportspesa, a games news innovation, was established in 2014, offering web based games and lotteries. It is a games news innovation with around 500 workers and has put resources into the advancement of the nearby games groups and competitions in Tanzania and Kenya. It works in relationship with TGP in the UK.
Claimed by Logflex MT constrained, NOVIBET.com is a completely enlisted web based betting site. Playing with Novibet isn't simply fun however is sheltered and secure on the grounds that it holds licenses from MGA, which make the site obliged to keep all customers assets in trust accounts. The site offers a dependable gaming strategy and is focused on limiting the unfavorable impacts of issue betting and is resolved to advance positive betting practices.
Offering different sorts of bettings on numerous games from over the world, BETPAWA is the most present day and quick wagering site in Zambia. This site is a creative bookmaker that offers the most reduced value wagers. It leads a wide assortment of pre-coordinate and in-play wagers on football alongside different games like b-ball, tennis and so on. You can choose from an immense scope of wagers on the site and can likewise decide on live wagering.
As a piece of Fold gadgets gaming and distributing, MISLI was established in 2009. This site is situated in Istanbul. MISLI is a participation based site which offers online games wagering and lotteries. This site offers wagers on an assortment of games, particularly supporting soccer. It likewise gives the clients to play the national lottery. This site as of now utilizes 36 innovations. MISLI.com has been positioned 12,027 among the worldwide sites dependent on the huge number of its month to month guests surpassing 4,115,485.
45-Sky BET
Sky wagering and gaming, a British based Canadian organization, has offered a wagering division as Sky Bet. It possesses 1,628 representatives and is evaluated sixth among the ten highest contenders. This organization is the world's driving internet gaming and wagering organization which has the most noteworthy number of clients than any other person. Lion's share of the tasks of Sky Bet are led from Leeds. They offer to wager through their site, phone or portable applications and so forth. AGCC licenses the organization. Sky Bet likewise had a TV channel on Sky Channel 864 which quit working on February 2012.
46-Bet SAFE
With regards to online club and wagering, and Bet Safe is a rumored name. This website is a bookmaker and online gambling club which was established in 2006 and is possessed by a notable Swedish organization. 400 fifty thousand clients profit the ideas from 100 distinct nations around the globe. The dependability and unwavering quality of the site are apparent by the tremendous number of clients it possesses. Wager Safe is an easy to understand site offering an enormous assortment of games and items. It gives an astounding client assistance program and its simple to store and pull back cash. This site gives its clients the best web based gaming experience.
This site offer betting stage for Bitcoin and digital money was established in 2016. Wagers are offered day by day more than 1000 games. Live online club games and in excess of 3000 openings are likewise accessible. A selective element is that it gives its games too. All client accounts bolster numerous monetary forms, and it empowers the players to wager utilizing in excess of ten cryptographic forms of money. Clients are additionally offered an assortment of rewards. A 100% first store reward is the most extreme preferred position. A bug assists with multiplying and right away pull back the main store reserves. Client's perspectives recommend that their client care is dependable and accommodating. It is being seen as the best reserving site for crypto. It offers high chances to the players when contrasted with comparable sportsbooks.
48-Mozzart BET
Since 2000, Mozzart has been a specific piece of the gaming business. This organization offers around 10,000 chances day by day for around 500 games. As of late, Mozzart has led its ground activity with more than 900 retailer shops and has seen a high development rate in its online administrations. One ought to be over 18 to wager on the site Mozzartbet.com. BCLB has given the permit to the site. Live wagering on games is offered including football, ball, tennis and other critical occasions. You can observe live spilling of your preferred round and put down online wagers.
49-Boyle SPORT
Ireland biggest and free bookmaker is known as BoyleSports. They contribute in the online space by adding the top of the line applications to the google play store which offer web based wagering, club, gaming, wagering and lottery administrations. By 2004, they had 77 shops, and in 2006 they opened their 100th store.
In 2019, BetChris declared to enter the United Kingdom retail advertise with the popular bookmaker Gilbert. The organization's activity was extended in Northern Ireland which made the nation Ireland's biggest retail bookmaker.
submitted by BetBarter to u/BetBarter [link] [comments]

How I made £380 profit guareented on WWE betting this weekend.

I know what you're thinking. 'How can you bet on something that's predetermined?' It turns out some bookmakers offer odds on the outcome of matches that WWE host. I'm not sure if you American guys can bet on British gambling websites but if you can then read on.
Do I need to know anything about WWE?
No you don't. No knowledge is needed to make money using this method. If you're wrestling fan however, you can use your knowledge to your advantage.
What websites do I use?
Most major UK websites offer WWE odds but I've found: Paddy Power, 888, Sky Bet are the best. At this PPV I used 888 and Paddy Power as I'm a little short on cash at the moment.
How does it work?
Timing is aboslutely key when it comes to making the most profit on these matches. We'll take the main event of 'Survivor Series' as an example: 'Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg.'
Before the event, Brock Lesnar was a big favourite at 1/4 (1.25) and Goldberg out at 5/2 (3.50). Now this is the cruical moment. At 888.com, around an hour and a half before the event starts, they 'flip reverse' the odds making Brock Lesnar 5/2 (3.50) and Goldberg 1/4 (1.25) (I'm sorry if you got confused by 'fip reverse' the bookmakers can change the odds to whatever they want. It's just in this case that the odds were exactly the same on both sides just the other way round in these outcomes). Other betting websites such as Paddy Power have kept the odds at Brock Lesnar 1/4 (1.25) and Goldberg 5/2 (3.50) for the time being. This is the moment whereby you can bet on Goldberg to win on Paddy Power and Lesnar to win on 888.
Now you could just bet on Goldberg to win on Paddy Power. The odds shortening on 888 so close to the event usually means that a Goldberg win is in order. However, I like to play to it safe just incase anyone at WWE has a change of heart at the last moment.
Lastly, all bookermakers have a maxium you can stake on each outcome. To counteract this: I would suggest betting a stupid amount like £100,000 on an outcome and it will usually come up with a warning like 'you can only bet £40 on this result.'
Winnings (Survivor Series)
Outcome A Odds (Bookermaker A) Outcome B Odds (Bookermaker B) Total Guaranteed Profit
Goldberg 5/2 (3.50) Brock Lesnar 5/2 (3.50) 1.5 Units
Brian Kendrick 7/2 (4.50) Kalisto 11/2 (6.50) 2.5 Units
Sami Zayn 13/2 (7.50) The Miz 6/4 (2.50) 0.5 Units
Raw Mens Team 7/4 (2.75) Smack Downs Mens Team 7/4 (2.75) 0.75 Units
Conclusion (Survivor Series)
So, in conclusion you can see it's profitable to look at the WWE markets 2 hours before PPV start time as bookmakers might get infomation of winners before punters and you can maker a clear profit on the outcomes. Finally, I thinking about hosting a thread on this subreddit for the next PPV 'TLC' and doing a live thread about potential market changes.
Since I've had a couple of private messages, I'm going to run through a scenerio quick so I can explain more clearly:
Let's say for argument sake the PPV starts at 8pm.
We'll use let's say Hulk Hogan vs The Rock in this example.
Time: 3:30pm (All bookmakers are offering these odds)
Outcome (Winner) Odds Outcome (Winner) Odds
Hulk Hogan 5/2 (4.50) The Rock 1/4 (1.25)
Bookermaker A then gets some 'insider infomation' at 6pm that WWE will change the winner so 'Hulk Hogan' will win.
Time: 6pm
Bookermaker A
Outcome (Winner) Odds Outcome (Winner) Odds
Hulk Hogan 1/4 (1.25) The Rock 5/2 (4.50)
Bookermaker B
Outcome (Winner) Odds Outcome (Winner) Odds
Hulk Hogan 5/2 (4.50) The Rock 1.4 (1.25)
At this point we would bet the same amount on The rock to win at 'Bookermaker A' and Hulk Hogan to win at 'Bookermaker B'
Outcome Odds Stake Return
Hulk Hogan (Bookermaker B) 5/2 (4.50) £20 £70
The Rock (Bookermaker A) 5/2 (4.50) £20 £70
Doing some basic maths gives us a £30 profit. £70 (Winnings) - £40 (original stakes) = £30 (Profit).
submitted by critchl to sportsbook [link] [comments]

a curation of Enemy Prime Stuart Little's available information

Stuart Little never deserved the fame he got. He never deserved the three (3) movies he got. Movies about a fucking rodent being adopted. What the fuck were the parents thinking. Did they not even consider that they owned a fucking cat? Did they expect a mouse to live long enough to graduate school and really be a family member? They could have had a normal kid and instead they get some stupid fucking rat. Why the fuck was a rat in an adoption center? There’s only two places that mouse should be, in a secret government laboratory or in a petsmart. Fuck you Stuart Little. Stuart Little has ruined my family. Last summer, I approached the miserable mouse in the street, and asked him for his autograph, because my son is a huge fan. The fucking rat gave me the autograph and told me to burn in hell. Later, when I gave my son the autograph he started crying and said he hated me. Turns out the mousefucker didnt write his autograph, no, he wrote “you’re a piece of shit, and i fucked your mom”. I’m now divorced, and planning a huge class-action lawsuit against the white devil that ruined my life. Your time is almost over, Stuart. All the people you’ve wronged will rise against you. I saw Stuart Little at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how terrible it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “You fucking rat, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly. After that he left in a tiny, shitty car.
I FUCKING HATE STUART LITTLE THE RAT BASTARD WITH HIS FUCKING GAY SMILE, I'LL FUCKING RING THAT CUNT THE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM THE FUCKING RAT. ILL FUCKING TWIST HIS RAT HEAD OFF OF HIS FUCKING BODY AND HIS BONES WILL CRUMBLE IN MY FUCKING FIST THE FUCKING RAT FUCKING BASTARD LITTLE FUCKING CUNT, listen i have a plan to get rid of the rat cunt just listen up ok so ill distract george little and take him out back, you rush in the front door drag him outside to the road and curb stomp his FUCKING SMILING JAW ON THE PAVEMENT THE RAT FUCKING CUNT Once again Stuart Little has managed to evade law enforcements by bribing the judge and threatening to kill his children. He’s friends with the head of police and has, on several occasions, committed tax fraud, sexual harassment, and invasion of personal property. He sold drugs not only to adults in desperate need of therapy, but also to teenagers and disabled children. This fucking rat picked mostly black neighborhoods on purpose not only to feed the stereotype but also to, as he said: "Erradicate the fucking blacks." Amidst unsocial behavior, dishonesty, racism, criminality and a personality that would only fit the devil himself, this piece of shit hypocrite rat is also the head of the Ku-Klux-Klan, the official American Nazi Party, and he controls several brutal prison gangs that have together taken the lives of several hundreds of unsuspecting and innocent humans. It’s not only that he lets people kill for him, it’s also that he has gotten his little rodent piece of shit claws dirty himself. He shot a black man that was trying to protect his family from the racial slurs he threw at them, he lured a mother of two into a forest and brutally murdered her after raping her in the most degrading way possible. He cut her open and dug into her flesh while screaming: "This stupid cunt isn’t going to reject me another time." As wanderers reported. Not only that but they could also hear him say, "Her pussy could be my new rat hole." While laughing vigorously. And as if all of that wasn’t bad enough, this embodiment of all evil also drowned a child in a well since he, “couldn’t listen to his fucking high pitched voice any longer so I made him meet his fate.” I just can’t see how all of this is still overlooked and glossed over by the government and how this piece of shit is still allowed to walk as if he had never done anything to anyone. I’m literally shaking with anger and I’m about to collapse when I think of all of the things this white piece of shit has done. I want to drown him in a bucket full of my own cum while pulling out each and every single one of his rat fucking hair. I want to crush his little bones and smash every one of his little teeth one by one. I won’t be able to contain my anger if I ever see him just one more fucking time. I will run him over and take a shit on his corpse. I’ll gouge his eyes out and piss in the sockets. I will perform CPR on him so he stays alive for a little while longer to experience even more pain than his tiny little rat ass has caused. Just his smile on TV is enough to make my blood boil and make me phantasize about cutting him in a thousand tiny pieces that I will scatter across the graves of his loved ones. I will cut off his ears just as he did it to that nice old lady across the street because as he said and I quote, “This walking skeleton shouldn’t be able to hear my exclusive voice, it’s a waste of my energy and she sould just die so I can distribute more of my offspring across the world.” JUST PRODUCE MORE CHILDREN YOU PIECE OF SHIT RAT I WILL FIND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM AND STRANGLE THEM WITH MY BARE HANDS YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH TO THIS WORLD I JUST WANT YOU AND EVERYONE THAT IS JUST RELATED TO YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST DEAD THE ONLY WASTE OF ENERGY IN THIS WORLD IS YOUR MISERABLE LIFE I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL END THE SORRY LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT YOU CALL YOUR LIFE. SMILE IN MY FACE ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL SNAP YOUR NECK INFRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN JUST LIKE YOU DID IT WITH MY ONLY SON THAT ME AND MY WIFE TRIED TO CONCEIVE FOR SEVERAL YEARS JUST BECAUSE I’M ALMOST IMPOTENT IT WAS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE AND WE WERE VERY LUCKY THAT IT EVEN WORKED BUT YOU WASTE OF FUCKING MATTER ENDED HIS LIFE AND TOLD ME THAT IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT YOU RUINED MY LIFE AND I WILL END YOURS NO ONE CAN HELP YOU ANYMORE YOUR DAYS ARE OVER FUCK YOU STUART LITTLE I WILL BE VISITING YOUR GRAVE EVERY DAY SO I CAN SPIT ON IT AND POUR MY DOGS VOMIT OVER THE FLOWERS YOUR FAMILY PLACED IM GOING TO MAKE THEIR LIVES HELL AFTER YOUR DEATH WITH EVERY LITTLE DETAIL I CAN RUIN ABOUT THEIR DAYS. I WILL PISS IN THE APPLE JUICE I WILL THROW MY LITTER IN YOUR YARD IM GONNA POP YOUR TIRES AND THROW DOG SHIT AT YOUR FRONT DOOR YOU’LL BE SORRY FOR EVERYTHING YOU EVER DID TO ANYONE IM GONNA MAKE YOU REGRET EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY THAT ONE TIME WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO THROW A ROCK AT MY WIFE WHO BECAME PERMANENTLY BRAIN DAMAGED BECAUSE OF IT I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU COULD BE WORSE OF A FUCKING HUMAN BUT WAIT YOU’RE NOT YOU’RE JUST A FUCKING MOUSE IN HUMAN CLOTHING I BET YOU NEED TO GET SPECIALLY FITTED CLOTHES BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A TINY LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT YOUR DICK ISN’T EVEN 3CM AT LEAST MAKE AN EXCUSE FOR IT IT’S NOT POSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO BE SUCH A PILE OF TRASH YOU MUST HAVE MENTAL ISSUES I HOPE YOU DIE GRUESOME DEATH I HOPE YOU GET RUN OVER BY YOUR OWN FAMILY PLEASE JUST END YOURSELF I JUST DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY IS HEALLOWED TO LIVE ANYONE PLEASE DO SOMETHING MY LIFE IS OVER I’M CRYING AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP THIS RAT BASTARD IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE I REALLY NEED HELP HIS FUCKING HANDS ARE SO TINY HOW IS HE EVEN ABLE TO DRIVE A CAR. NOT ONLY ABLE BUT HOW IS HE ALLOWED TO EVEN DRIVE HE’S A FUCKING RAT WHY DOESN’T ANYONE UNDERSTAND HE RAN OVER MY MOTHER HE IS JUST SO SMALL I DON’T GET IT IF ANYONE READS THIS PLEASE HELP ME THIS MOUSE HAS TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME. I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT IF HE ISN’T GOING I WILL GO I JUST NEED TO SEE HIM DIE IT’S MY LAST WISH TELL EVERYONE RELATED WITH ME THAT HE IS AT FAULT THERE IS NOTHING I COULD DO THE GOVERNMENT IS SUPPORTING HIM THERES THREE MOVIES ABOUT HIS LIFE AND HOW HE HAS RUINED THAT OF OTHERS WHY ISN’T ANYONE DOING SOMETHING PLEASE HUMANS WAKE UP IT’S OUR LAST CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING AGAINST STUART LITTLE PLEASE I’M DESPERATE PLEASE.
You're walking in the woods There's no one around and your phone is dead Out of the corner of your eye, you spot him Stuart Little He's following you about 30 feet back He gets down onto all fours and breaks into a sprint He's gaining on you! Stuart Little You're looking for your car but you're all turned around He's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face My God, there's blood everywhere! Running for your life From Stuart Little He's brandishing a knife It's Stuart Little Lurking in the shadows A New Yorkian Mouse Stuart Little Living in the woods Stuart Little Killing for sport Stuart Little Eating all the bodies Actual murderer Stuart Little Now, it's dark and you seem to have lost him But, you're hopelessly lost yourself Stranded with a murderer You creep silently through the underbrush Aha! In the distance! A small cottage with a light on Hope! You move steathily toward it But your leg. Ah! It's caught in a rat trap! Gnawing off your leg Quiet, quiet Limping in the cottage Quiet, quiet Now you're on the doorstep Sitting inside: Stuart Little Sharpening an axe Stuart Little But he doesn't hear you enter Stuart Little You're sneaking up behind him Strangling white rodent Stuart Little! Fighting for you're life With Stuart Little Wrestling a knife from Stuart Little Stab him in his kidney Safe at last from Stuart Little! You limp into the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg You've beaten Stuart Little But wait! He isn't dead! Stuart suprise! There's a gun to your head and death in his eyes But you can do Jis Jitsu Body slam white rodent Stuart Little Legendary fight with Stuart Little Normal Tuesday night for Stuart Little You try to swing an axe at Stuart Little But blood is draining fast from your stump leg He's dodging every swipe! He parries to the left! You counter to the right You catch him in the neck You're chopping off his head now You have just decapitated Stuart Little His head topples to the floor, expressionless You fall to your knees and catch your breath You're finally safe from Stuart Little
I’ve lived through a lot in my life. I was just a boy when the National Socialist Party first rose to power in Germany, and I was only 17 when I got drafted to fight against the Reich on the beaches of Northern France. Such horrors I witnessed those terrible years, I shall never forget – it was a period of my life that cost me not only one of my legs, but my peace, my sanity and my very soul. But I’d do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant I could bring an end to the depraved Private Little, who fought alongside us. Most men in my battalion were drafted into the war, like I was. Young, terrified boys we were – too innocent to comprehend the unspeakable terrors of what was to come. Not Little though. The fucking rat signed himself up gladly, not for any noble duty to his country, no, but instead for the chance to kill freely, to crush the life out of anyone who stood before him. While our eager eyes were filled with fear and naïvity, his were empty and porcelain, blind to compassion and showing nothing but bloodlust. We had just learned to fear battle back then, but we were foolish not to already fear the fucking scourge that was Private Little. As the war dragged on, our spirits fell. I lost many good friends in Europe…Watts, Lewis, Rains…All good men who deserved so much better than what fate dealt them. We became jaded in war, our spirits slowly tarnished and faded, like the slow decay of the heart from a dead tree. We were weak. All except Little. With every passing day, the deplorable fucking rodent grew more manic, laughing and hooting with glee as he added more and more notches to his rifle. It was truly a chilling sight to see Little in action – the shitbag rat was no larger than the clips of his own M1 Garande, yet in the heat of battle the cunt rodent wielded it with ease. He slaughtered hundreds, if not thousands, during the short time we were deployed together, earning himself the nickname of ‘Der Weiße Albtraum’ among the enemy lines. His prowess and bloodlust in battle was legendary, but more chilling was his attitude towards us, and the war itself. He revelled in slaughtering the Germans, but seemed almost captivated by their fascist ideology. “I’ve seen him hailing at night” Lewis whispered to me one day, as we both watched the hairy little fuckrag playing five-finger fillet with a sewing needle. “It’s almost as if he wants to fight for the krauts instead”. I agreed with him at the time, but today I know better. It doesn’t matter which side the little fucking cheddar-stain fights on, for he fights not for any ideology. He wishes only to kill. To maim. To murder. It was on my last day of deployment when that murderous fucking cunt of a rodent decided to show us his true colours. As the rest of our battalion pushed forward to beat back the enemy, some of my closest comrades and I were forced into a dugout by some enemy fire. It was here that the bloodthirsty fucking bastard turned his gun on us, a triumphant gleam in his beady little eyes that I’ll never forget. Watts took a shot to the kidney, crying out for his mother as he bled out onto the dirt. The fucking traitorous rat cunt then unloaded an entire clip into Rains, before drawing his pistol and shooting me once through the ribs and thrice in the thigh. I still remember his pure evil fucking asshole face gloating above us as my vision went black, his little red eyes burning into my vision forever as I saw him toss a grenade into our dugout. I was the only one who survived. Now I am old, my body weakened and my mind feeble. I know I will die soon. But that fucking white furry devil still looks just as young as he did during the war. Every time I see him on TV, I fucking shake with rage and regret. I don’t know what kind of ungodly creature he is, but he is no normal rodent. We should have killed him. I should have shot him in his sleep when I had the chance. He has to die. After all the deaths I caused in the war, I know I’ll end up in hell. But I hope I don’t see Little there. He deserves so much worse than hell. He deserves all the pain he has inflicted. I want to crush the life out of him myself – to flay his little hide raw and fling him against the wall by his stupid fucking tail. Fuck you, Stuart Little.
God I fucking hate Stuart Little, that fucking piece of fucking shit rat stole everything from me I sincerely hope he burns in the deepest pits of the hottest part of hell. He destroyed my life, took my job, my wife, killed my only fucking son who was severely disabled by locking him in a 4x4 room with strobe lights and shocking him with 400v electrical shocks until he died from an epileptic seizure. He took my wife, the only woman I ever loved. I walked in from my 12 hour shift working construction to find her bent over my fucking ornamental table I got for my wife on our honeymoon with his little fucking rat body fucking her. He had the gall to come into my home and fuck my wife the week after murdering my only fucking son god. The next time I see that fucking rat I am going to pull off every individual hair from his body and boil his limp hairless body in the heavy water from the only element 120 nuclear reactor on this earth. I will personally pay for a Russian paramilitary death black op squad to raid his fucking mansion and drag him out of his little fucking rat bed and torture him for 40 days and nights until he’s so delirious he wishes was fucking dead in hell standing next to Satan himself. God I hate that fucking rat, I wish nothing but death on him and his entire fucking ancestry and further descendants from anyone closely related to his bloodline. I will with glee throw that rat into fucking rocket fuel and burn him for as long as I have the strength in my body to hold a lighter. He took fucking everything from me, the government allows him to do anything after he blackmailed Mossad into blackmailing every fucking member of the UN permanent security council. He has been sending surveillance on my fucking home for the past 22 years using radical Islamic extremists from the Middle East and Chechnya. He is literally worse than the fucking devil incarnate I fucking hate Stuart Little with every fiber of my fucking body and nothing would make me happier than to see him nailed to a cross and hung in the middle of a supermax prison while having his corpse brutally mutilated by multiple starving African lions bought from a wealthy Saudi Arabian oil magnate’s private jungle in the Congo. Burn in fucking hell Stuart Little you piece of fucking shit excuse for a living being. Stuart Little fact #3864
Anton, the snob kid from the boat race scene was actually a CIA agent on an undercover mission to assassinate Stuart and thus bring peace on Earth, unfortunately failing and retiring from his espionage service. "Ever since that failed mission I've blamed myself for the existence of this god damned rodent," Anton said in tears while giving his last interview on the 27th November. Today, on the first of December, Anton was found shot at his apartment in Manhattan, New York. Many experts believe he was killed by no other than Stuart Little himself and that the former agent's death is highly related to the death of former president George H.W. Bush just a day earlier.
Recent intelligence has brought information that Stuart Little may be building a citadel to derail the Earth off our orbit and into the sun. The citadel will be constructed somewhere in the Sahara Desert. Its mass will be enough to make the earth spin faster and in the end it will go so fast we will derail off our orbit deep into space, or off to Outer Space. Stuart little is planning to destroy humanity, stop him before he can! Michelle Obama and Stuart Little collaborated to carry out the 9/11 atracks
IT WAS NOT BUSH OR TERRORISTS. IT WAS THIS PIECE OF SHIT DUO AND I HAVE SOLID PROOF. Stuart Little is fucking deadly. He climbed into the asshole of a guard on the ground and ripped him apart from the inside, causing a painful and long death. Then Stuart burst out of his stomach stole his gun and fucking massacred everyone within sight because he’s a piece of shit. This was just the distraction. While this was going down Michelle snuck past the chaotic scene and started sawing off the foundations of both towers with her giant chainsaw penis at lightning speed because she practiced this many times before at the white house in bed with Obama (it was his kink). Within a minute Michelles penis had destroyed the lower structures of both buildings and they fell down killing everyone inside but this fucking criminal scum and her acomplice escaped in Thanos Car. I have ROCK SOLID proof of this all being true, and don’t you dare tell me otherwise. I was high on LSD and the talking mexican squirrel told me in great detail about what went down that day.
You think I forgot how you shot my dad 9 years ago? Or how you kept my sister in your basement for 144 days and then raped her to death when I paid you 5,000 USD in white bread in FRONT OF MY FUCKING EYES? Well guess what you gat cheese eating cunt. You can take your fucking cheddar and choke on it because it will be much less painful than the shit I will do to your retarded tiny mammal body after I catch you. I already tracked down your location and started a manhunt on your rattus fattus ass. Better prepare your shitty lactose intolerant dinner before the most elite hitmen of the dark net burn your shithole in New Mexico to the ground. I will laugh as they slaughter your family, friends... Basically anybody who could even TOLERATE your muroid rodent thing that doesn't even deserve to be called 'face'. But the best paer os what I will do to you after they catch you alive. I will defecate all over you as you are forced to watch. I will personally peel off your skin and drop your unloved body into a bath filled with salt. After that I will stretch your fucking asshole wide open and cum inside it until the entire room is filled with blood. I will cut bits of your body eith a fork and knife and feed it to dogs. Best of all, I will upload it on Bestgore.com for all the creepy sociopathic shits that you call "fans" can cry their eyes out over the end of your useless and shitty life. This would never happen if your mammal ass would learn how to behave, but no. You had to torture people, napalm villages and rape whats left og it like the selfish fucking sociopathic necrophile retard you are. Now only god van forgive you, but you aren even fucking human, so you will spend the rest of your pathetic life in an endless void with nothing but you inside. You hear me right cunt, no more sweet grandmas to push in the railroad, no more dogs to sell to the chinese restaurant next door gor the sweet taste of profit and no more people whose lives you can ruin. Only your pathetic attention seeking ass and nobody else. -Sincerelym everybody in this fucking world. You may have heard several stories of Stuart Little destroying families, killing people, killing minorities, killing anyone that moves, and kicking so much ass that he rules any fucking town he goes into... But have you heard of me? His bottom bitch, the angel and devil on his shoulder, his side piece, his main piece, his goddess of death, his mistress of murder, his pussy lips of tax fraud, his blowjob of destiny, his bondage bitch, his cumslut, his woman in the chair, his cock gobbler, his chain smoker throat fuck whore, his stupid bird bitch, his leia, his urethra mosquito, his beach polluter, his funk sucker, his erotic memior writer, his sexuality, his sinning cunt, his blessed mother Mary of vaginas, his heaven, his hell, his gay thoughts, his straight thoughts, his thoughts on the vietnam war and whether or not we shouldve stayed in the war, his gamergate, his cummy piggybank, his reciever of his mega cock, his slayer of erections, his best alive flashlight, his bbw baby girl, his thot thoughts, his neckbeard weapons, his sickle and hammer, his sex dungeon, and his pornhub videos where you cum to the mom x son video super hard but you dont love your mom so are you hiding your strange kink or what the fuck, I mean???? Stuart is the provider of the future, make way for our new god you piece of shits. Please listen to the pink floyd album, the wall, skip to the song where it is called In the Flesh. and feel stuarts feelings torward yourself. You can't kill him, you cant arrest him, you can't make him become good. He is your future.
Even the mention or thought of Stuart Little makes me vomit, then sends me into a violent fit of rage for hours. He is the cause of most, if not all, human suffering throughout history. He possesses the abilities to time travel and teleport, and uses these abilities to strategically manipulate historical events to accomplish two things: Cause as much human suffering as possible, and suck humanity dry of every last bit of profit he and his cronies can get their slimy little fingers on. Both world wars, including the holocaust? Caused by this degenerate rat bastard. The black plague? You guessed it. Released by Stuart fucking Little. Human languages simply do not have the complexity required to express my absolute hatred of this sleazy, sociopathic, manipulative, corrupt, greedy, vile being. There exists no way to even fathom what a punishment severe enough for his crimes against humanity would be. I’m gonna fucking rip Stuart little limb from tiny limb. You think it’s hard? I’ve been opening pickle jars since I was 12, the neck of a tiny adopted mouse will feel like the tiniest resistance against my hands. I’m not gonna stop there. I’m gonna get hired as the lead detective in his disappearance. I’m gonna deep fry that mousey motherfucker and I’m gonna go to the little’s house and invite them to hear some good news over dinner. The look on their faces when I tell them they’ve been eating their beloved rat child the whole time will be nothing compared to the normality my life will return to once I’ve relieved this earth of that cursed being. I know that rat... My god...” my Grandfather said “What are you talking about Grandpa? That’s just Stuart Little.” “Exactly” He said walking back out of the room, in a shaky voice. At the time I was watching Stuart Little on DVD, he walked in, and his demeanor changed from that day forward. He became suspicious, reserved, everyone noticed, but he insisted it was nothing. He moved into a smaller house, with a cellar which was very odd in south Texas. If I ever came to visit he would never let me go into the cellar, which he kept locked. It wasn’t until recently I understood why. My Grandpa had Liver disease, and passed away last Thursday at the age of 78. My family was with him in his deathbed, but only I was with him when he spoke his last words. “Come closer... I need to tell you something...” He struggled to say, in between gasping breaths. “What is it Grandpa?” I did as he instructed. He held out an arthritic hand grasping a small key. “The others wouldn’t believe me, but you have to, you need to know the truth.” I grabbed the key slowly as his hand fell onto the bed at the same rate, “Trust me...” He mustered to say, his final breath obscured by a loud BEEEEEEEEEP! My Parents and brother rushed into the small room all asking me questions and tearing up, but I knew what I had to do. I didn’t tell them what happened, but after we came home from the hospital I drove myself to his house. His house was dilapidated, his lawn overgrown, he had been bedridden for the last month, and his residence showed it. I inspected the key, held by the thumb and forefinger, it looked old. It couldn’t have been for the front door, and either way it was left unlocked. I was puzzled what could this key be for? A wardrobe? A chest-of-drawers? I paced around the house racking my brain, until the tarnished faux-gold knob of the cellar door caught my eye. I inserted the key into the keyhole, it fit. I turned the key gently and the door opened. I walked down the flight of stairs, rounded the corner and I finally saw it, what he was keeping from me all these years. It was a wall sized cork board covered in pictures of Stuart Little, a world map, financial information, all connected with red string. A gun safe in the corner had 3-4 different firearms in it, and on a table near it rested what must have been at least 2,000 rounds of assorted ammunition. “Jesus Christ...” I exclaimed to myself. I slowly walked to the table his creation was suspended above to find a note addressed to me. “To Michael- I know I must seem like a nut-Job, and I can’t blame you, but this is what you need to know: Me and that rat Stuart Little have history. Back in Vietnam, I came face to face with him more than once. He didn’t fight for the Vietcong, or the US, no, he emerged from the bushes, somehow holding an M60 and mowed down men, and women, Marines and ‘Congs alike. He fought for nothing except his insatiable bloodlust. We stayed awake at night, fearing that bastard Rat. Finally without higher up approval, me and some comrades hatched a plan to storm wherever he was set up and kill him. We pinpointed where we thought he was hiding and one night, Burns our Machine gunner, me, and Slim, grabbed our guns and set out for his hideout. By the time we found it, it was early light. It was a bamboo shed, sat in the middle of a rice paddy. I pulled out a soda bottle full of gasoline and stuffed with a rag. The throw the lit Molotov at the hut and watched it burn to the ground. We thought we had won, until the bastard rat emerged from the hut with his dreaded M60 and opened fire. We had no cover. I Burns took 3 shots to the torso and dropped in the middle of the paddy, Slim took a shot to the head and his blood spattered all over me, I took cover, somehow unscathed, in a mud rut. I thought I was safe, until a clang on the head left me unconscious. I woke up chained to a tree in a clearing, Stuart emerged from behind a bush, with a manic grin across his face. He was holding a needle bigger than himself. “I won’t kill you...” He said laughing, “that’s your own Job” He stabbed the needle into my neck, and injected me with all of it. The substance in the needle was some kind of hallucinogen. He unchained me, and I aimlessly wandered the Jungle for two days, until I came down. After a week of being in the Vietnam wilderness I finally found base camp, and was rushed to the military hospital, before being honorably discharged. I thought he stayed in Vietnam, until 15 years ago, when I saw him on TV, and I swore I would get my revenge. I write this now, suffering to the fullest extent of my incredibly rare liver disease, that I contribute fully to Stuart Little’s injection. I’m asking you, once I kick the bucket, to carry on my legacy. Of killing that Rat-bastard mother fucker. Trust me- Grandpa.” I put down the letter. It all made sense now, I rushed out of the house after grabbing a handgun. As soon as I got home I did more research and found Stuartlittlefacts and a Facebook page about him. I didn’t tell anyone else, my friends or family about Stuarts wrong-doings. I know they wouldn’t believe me. But things got out of hand fast, Little knows about me. I planned to come back to the house the next day, but it was burned down due to an “electrical fire”, after that my mother, father, and brother fell ill with an unknown illness. My Fiancé wasn’t returning any of my calls or texts, so I went to his house, there, he showed me well doctored pictures of me participating in an orgy with multiple transvestites, he told me he was emailed them anonymously. He has since broken up with me. And finally I came home to my apartment to find a letter, pinned to my door with a knife. The note said: “Burn in hell faggot -Stuart” If my grandfather’s note, and the things I found online weren’t enough, I now know first hand of the pure evil of Stuart Little. In 3 short days he has left my life in ruins, and I must fight for myself, and continue my grandfathers legacy. I will make you proud Grandpa, and to Stuart Little: You’ve forgotten something important Stuart, He who fights the fiercest, is he who has nothing left to lose. I’m coming for you Stuart, and I will have your puny throat in my hands, if it fucking kills me.
submitted by saint_is_here_ to copypasta [link] [comments]

Dolphins1925 vs. The Line

This is something I've worked on for the past few days, and since I'm rather inept at making a fancy write-up, I'll just post my findings, along with the notes relevant to each PPV.
What each column means:
ALL TIMES ARE GMT+1. Unless noted otherwise, AM posts are referencing the Monday on which the PPV occurs (in GMT+1, PPVs usually go from 1am or 2am to 5am on Mondays)
[43] - Betting lines are from 5Dimes.eu unless noted otherwise (source of odds: http://www.cagesideseats.com/2013/2/16/3995438/betting-guide-to-elimination-chamber)
[44] - Dolphins1925's reply to the original poster's betting game did not include these matches, as these matches were not included by the original poster of the thread.
[45] - Source is SkyBet, time approximately 4:20AM GMT+1, Sunday February 16 (source of odds: http://forum.bettingadvice.com/showthread.php?t=78452).
[41] - Lines are "End of Broadcast" from 5Dimes.eu, source for betting lines: (http://forums.eog.com/showthread.php?t=344721&s=b31bdb92f43a0ee20a2d1afecda888f0&p=3794693&viewfull=1#post3794693)
[42] - When WMXXIX odds opened, Sheamus was the initial favorite to win, however as match-time came closer, Mark Henry eventually swung into the favorite position
[37] - Betting odds from PaddyPower.com unless noted otherwise. Source for odds: (http://www.wrestlingforum.com/wwe-ppv/811010-betting-odds-uk.html)
[38] - I was unable to find any record of a line for the pre-show match between The Miz and Cody Rhodes. Dolphins1925 did not post the result for this match.
[39] - Originally Mark Henry was the favorite for his match against Sheamus (the Saturday source used for the other Extreme Rules odds had Henry -250) Link to source of changed line: (http://www.wrestlingforum.com/wwe-ppv/811010-betting-odds-uk-5.html#post18497754)
[40] - Dolphins1925 posted that John Cena would win his match against Ryback. The match ended in a No Contest, as neither wrestler was able to get to their feet before a 10 count (Last Man Standing Match). Cena retained the title as a result. Dolphins1925 post regarding the outcome of the match: (http://np.reddit.com/SquaredCircle/comments/1enttu/spoilers_extreme_rules_results_inside_this_thread/ca2gthv)
[33] - WWELEAKS.org did not exist until after Money in the Bank (2013). Betting line is from 5Dimes.eu, sourced from this article: (http://ibnsportswrap.com/article.php?articleID=838)
[34] - Dolphins1925 did not post results for the pre-show match between Sheamus and Damien Sandow.
[35] - Dolphins1925 made a note regardin the match with Alberto Del Rio: "What I do know is Del Rio will not LOSE. Therefore, Del Rio could win, or we could see a "no contest" and Ziggler retains."
[36] - Dolphins1925 posted specific results regarding the Three Stages of Hell match for the WWE Championship: "(Ryback wins lumberjack. Cena wins tables + hospital match"
Relevant betting lines (From 5Dimes.eu):
'Stage 1 (lumberjack): Ryabck -1200' 'Stage 2 (tables): Cena -1200' 
[32] - WWELEAKS.org did not exist prior to Money in the Bank (2013). The creator of the site uploaded betting odds that include lines from the Saturday before MITB and the post-broadcast line (what the line closed at pre-match). Link to article on WWELEAKS.org: (http://www.wweleaks.org/2013/12/sandow-money-in-the-bank-odds.html)
[30] - All matches that are marked with note 30 had very close odds. Dolphins1925 did not post results on any of these matches. I was only able to find the over for the Van Dam/Ambrose line that was pre-match. It's important to include this one rather than the Ambrose -600 earlier in the day just to show how close odds on this match were.
[31] - Dolphins1925 did not post any result explicity stating the result of the WWE Championship match. He said in his post on the /SquaredCircle subreddit that "the script for the Main Event has been changing CONSTANTLY; and that the newest script of results are not known by anybody but a VERY select few in the company." The pre-match line for the WWE Championship match had Daniel Bryan -450. Whether or not the "changing constantly" indicated flipping between Cena and Bryan as the winner or included the MITB cash-in by Randy Orton are unknown.
[25] - There was no line on 5Dimes.eu for the fatal four-way match involving the Prime Time Players. Dolphins1925 did not post the result of this match
[26] - There was no line on 5Dimes.eu for the Curtis Axel vs. Kofi Kingston match. Dolphins1925 did not post the result of this match
[27] - Dolphins1925 posted that Alberto Del Rio would win his match versus Rob Van Dam. Alberto Del Rio lost via disqualification, and therefore still retained his title, but still lost the match.
[28] - There was no line on 5Dimes.eu for the Miz vs. Fandango match. Dolphins1925 did not post the result of this match.
[29] - Dolphins1925 posted that the Shield would win their match vs. Prime Time Players. His result was correct, while the line (Prime Time Players -1050) was incorrect in its prediction.
[22] - WWELEAKS.org had "final line for x" posts regarding each match that had a line on 5Dimes.eu. These are the lines used, and the post time is the time used for "Time of most recent line posted"
[23] - There was no line on 5Dimes.eu for the Real Americans vs. Santino Marella & Great Kalhi match. Dolphins1925 made no prediction for this match.
[24] - Dolphins1925 posted that the result of the match for the vacant WWE Championship would be a Randy Orton victory. However the match ended in No Contest after Big Show interfered in the match. Dolphins1925 posted that the result would be an Orton victory, but had another note about the match: "Randy Orton will defeat Daniel Bryan. However, I was told there was a twist to this match"
Tweet from Dolphins1925 regarding the ultimate result of the match:
"I get my information directly from an inside source, as I have always said. I am just relaying the information that I was given."
[16] - NOTE: only 5-hour time difference between US and GMT+1 due to difference in end of DST (only for this PPV). Odds used are "Pre-PPV" (~1:00AM GMT+1) unless noted otherwise. Source of "Pre-PPV"/'Pre-Match" lines: (http://www.wweleaks.org/2013/11/hell-in-cell-2013-betting-odds-table.html)
[17] - Original match was scheduled to be Big E Langston vs Curtis Axel for the WWE Intercontinental Title. However Axel suffered a hip injury, and the match was cancelled. The replacement match was Damien Sandow vs. Kofi Kingston. There were no lines on 5Dimes for this match. There was also no result posted by Dolphins1925.
[18] - There was no line on 5Dimes.eu regarding the Fandango/Rae vs. Khali/Natalya match. Dolphins1925 posted no results regarding this match
[19] - Big E Langston vs. Dean Ambrose match was announced during the HIAC pre-show. Big E was originally supposed to face Curtis Axel for the Intercontinental Title, but Axel suffered a hip injury the week before the PPV. Since the match was created a short time before the PPV, there was no line for the match. There was also no result posted by Dolphins1925.
[20] - On top of the "result" that Cena would retain the WWE Championship, Dolphins1925 also posted another "result": "Damien Sandow will cash in his MITB briefcase following John Cena's victory." (2:40AM). While I was unable to find a prop bet regarding the MITB cahs-in, Damien Sandow sent out a tweet regarding the Cena/Del Rio match: "This Sunday. Del Rio vs a returning Cena... interesting. #HellInACell" (26/10/2013, 2:52AM GMT+1). Damien Sandow did not cash-in at Hell in a Cell, but cashed in the following night on Raw.
[21] - There is an important reason here for using the pre-match line: the "Pre-PPV" line (1:00AM GMT+1) had AJ Lee -900 (betting opened at AJ Lee -180). By pre-match AJ Lee was a much stronger favorite at -2300. Dolphins1925 posted his result pre-match, as he said he would do for HIAC in his first tweet of the night.
[15] - 5Dimes had no betting line for Mark Henry vs. Ryback. No results were posted by Dolphins1925 regarding this match
TLC -> WrestleMania XXX are continued in comments, as I am just about at 10000 characters
submitted by spl1080 to SquaredCircle [link] [comments]

[Repost] How I made £380 profit guareented on WWE betting on Survivor Series

I know what you're thinking. 'How can you bet on something that's predetermined?' It turns out some bookmakers offer odds on the outcome of matches that WWE host. I'm not sure if you American guys can bet on British gambling websites but if you can then read on.
Do I need to know anything about WWE?
No you don't. No knowledge is needed to make money using this method. If you're wrestling fan however, you can use your knowledge to your advantage.
What websites do I use?
Most major UK websites offer WWE odds but I've found: Paddy Power, 888, Sky Bet are the best. At this PPV I used 888 and Paddy Power as I'm a little short on cash at the moment.
How does it work?
Timing is aboslutely key when it comes to making the most profit on these matches. We'll take the main event of 'Survivor Series' as an example: 'Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg.'
Before the event, Brock Lesnar was a big favourite at 1/4 (1.25) and Goldberg out at 5/2 (3.50). Now this is the cruical moment. At 888.com, around an hour and a half before the event starts, they 'flip reverse' the odds making Brock Lesnar 5/2 (3.50) and Goldberg 1/4 (1.25) (I'm sorry if you got confused by 'fip reverse' the bookmakers can change the odds to whatever they want. It's just in this case that the odds were exactly the same on both sides just the other way round in these outcomes). Other betting websites such as Paddy Power have kept the odds at Brock Lesnar 1/4 (1.25) and Goldberg 5/2 (3.50) for the time being. This is the moment whereby you can bet on Goldberg to win on Paddy Power and Lesnar to win on 888.
Now you could just bet on Goldberg to win on Paddy Power. The odds shortening on 888 so close to the event usually means that a Goldberg win is in order. However, I like to play to it safe just incase anyone at WWE has a change of heart at the last moment.
Lastly, all bookermakers have a maxium you can stake on each outcome. To counteract this: I would suggest betting a stupid amount like £100,000 on an outcome and it will usually come up with a warning like 'you can only bet £40 on this result.'
Winnings (Survivor Series)
Outcome A Odds (Bookermaker A) Outcome B Odds (Bookermaker B) Total Guaranteed Profit
Goldberg 5/2 (3.50) Brock Lesnar 5/2 (3.50) 1.5 Units
Brian Kendrick 7/2 (4.50) Kalisto 11/2 (6.50) 2.5 Units
Sami Zayn 13/2 (7.50) The Miz 6/4 (2.50) 0.5 Units
Raw Mens Team 7/4 (2.75) Smack Downs Mens Team 7/4 (2.75) 0.75 Units
Conclusion (Survivor Series)
So, in conclusion you can see it's profitable to look at the WWE markets 2 hours before PPV start time as bookmakers might get infomation of winners before punters and you can maker a clear profit on the outcomes. Finally, I thinking about hosting a thread on this subreddit for the next PPV 'TLC' and doing a live thread about potential market changes.
Since I've had a couple of private messages, I'm going to run through a scenerio quick so I can explain more clearly:
Let's say for argument sake the PPV starts at 8pm.
We'll use let's say Hulk Hogan vs The Rock in this example.
Time: 3:30pm (All bookmakers are offering these odds)
Outcome (Winner) Odds Outcome (Winner) Odds
Hulk Hogan 5/2 (4.50) The Rock 1/4 (1.25)
Bookermaker A then gets some 'insider infomation' at 6pm that WWE will change the winner so 'Hulk Hogan' will win.
Time: 6pm
Bookermaker A
Outcome (Winner) Odds Outcome (Winner) Odds
Hulk Hogan 1/4 (1.25) The Rock 5/2 (4.50)
Bookermaker B
Outcome (Winner) Odds Outcome (Winner) Odds
Hulk Hogan 5/2 (4.50) The Rock 1.4 (1.25)
At this point we would bet the same amount on The rock to win at 'Bookermaker A' and Hulk Hogan to win at 'Bookermaker B'
Outcome Odds Stake Return
Hulk Hogan (Bookermaker B) 5/2 (4.50) £20 £70
The Rock (Bookermaker A) 5/2 (4.50) £20 £70
Doing some basic maths gives us a £30 profit. £70 (Winnings) - £40 (original stakes) = £30 (Profit).
submitted by critchl to WWEBETTING [link] [comments]

For the gamblers of Wreddit [Potential WMXXX Spoilers]

Looking through the betting and looks like money can be made in the battle royal in wrestlemania.
Rusev is the favourite at 6/4 with paddy power and 7/4 with Skybet Big show is the closest at 3/1 and 9/4.
Here's the paddy power link http://www.paddypower.com/bet/novelty-betting/sports-novelties/wwe#area=quicklinks
Here's the Skybet link http://www.skybet.com/wrestling/wrestlemania-xxx/event/16394616
I am not sure where else offers this betting but to me looks like there could be money made here. Really think it would be right for big show to win, however would be a great way to put rusev over.
submitted by CormacD123 to SquaredCircle [link] [comments]

Betting - Does anyone do it?

Just wondering if many people bet on the outcomes of matches on here. I bet on other sports, mainly football but have never gone near wrestling.
I was just scrolling through th Paddy Power app and saw they had a NXT Takeover and Summerslamm section, caught my attention and I had a look at the odds.
Thinking of putting a few small bets on Summerslamm tomorrow night, would do on Takeover aswell but unfortunately I can't as I'm not at home tonight.
Obviously I'd just be doing it for the fun thinkin it might add a bit of excitement to the matches I'd be less interested in.
So does anyon here bet on WWE frequently? Anyone spot some good odds for tomorrow night? ;)
submitted by andyob00 to SquaredCircle [link] [comments]

[Table] IAmA: Hi. My name is Mike Burns, the creator of @DadBoner and Karl Welzein, the author of "Power Moves." Available at www.karlwelzein.com Ask me anything.

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2013-07-12
Link to submission (Has self-text)
Questions Answers
How far ahead do you typically plan storylines for Karl? Days? Months? None. It's improvised 99% of the time.
Peanut was also the name of the dude on a bike who stole Karl and Dave's money when they were trying to buy Tigers tickets in Detroit. Was it the same guy? If so, why didn't they recognize him? What, do Karl and Dave think all soul brothers look alike? Holy shit, that's one of THE most superfan facts to know about the whole feed. Well done, sir. Most impressive.
Also: best Seger moment? It's the bridge between Travelin' Man and Beautiful Loser on Live Bullet, isn't it? I bet it is. I just love the Bo Diddley studio version off O.P.'s so much.
Did you get your 'Maro yet? No. Karl has not. And that's not going to stop until one of us has one.
Why has Dave been such a boner lately? Has he given up on living the American Dream, USA Style? I don't think we've seen the last of Dave. But he just doesn't have the love for the game like Karl does. He's such a lazy piece of shit.
Do you have a real life arch-nemesis named Doug Carlson? We all do.
How's Bean Tooth's bean tooth? Karl knocked out Bean Tooth's bean tooth with a Stone Cold Stunner.
Are you kinda concerned that your new camaro's trunk isn't as big as the 'bring? Seems like less space for liquor, Kemosabe. I hadn't thought about trunk space. Fuck.
Who does the drawings in the book? I picked it up the other day and haven't put it down yet. So money. Twitter took it down.
Which celebrity (besides Kate Upton) has the best chest beefers and when was the 1st time you put your peener and veggies inside of a smokin' hot babe? That brunette from the Blurred Lines video is just killin' me.
Smokin hot? I don't know. Mediocre? 17.
How do you define the American dream? Cold bud heavy cans out of an ice filled cooler, brats on the grill, horse shoes, your buddies, and a girl to take you home.
What is your favorite thing to eat at Applebees? I love to go ape shit and get the apps at happy hour. you can make your table look like something from a king's feast and get shithoused for like 30 bucks for 6 people.
WHY DID YOU KILL PEANUT?! Warning shot to Drew Magary at Deadspin. He wrote an article about me that benefitted him, by causing harm to something I did for free. No free lunch in this world.
I almost killed Dave. Tweet was written and ready to send.
How many beers did you drink last night? I was sober last night. Went too hard Tuesday and Wednesday. I like beer, but also scotch. Dewar's and ice is just fine for me.
When creating Karl, did you have any clue how much of a hit he would be? Did you think that because of your character there would be people drunkenly quoting "a thousand beers" or "bold flavors?" Alternatively, how do you feel about Guy Fieri in real life? No idea.
I look at Guy Fieri as a wrestling character. Just like Hulk Hogan.
I've seen every episode of DDD, and sometimes will watch it for 6 hrs in a row. I admire the pageantry.
Hey Mike. I was wondering if you have plans or if you've ever had ideas to use Karl in another form of media, like a cartoon or a movie. Who would voice / play Karl? I'd love a cartoon so he can get away with more.
My dream voice was James Gandolfini. So fucking sad he died.
How long did you struggle with idea of monetizing Dadboner? Ill give you kudos to doing it in a pretty organic and unobtrusive way but that must have been a big decision for you. Thanks it was really gut wrenching. but, holding the book in my hands makes me remember why i did it. karl welzein is an author for harper collins now. holy fuck how hilarious is that?
Also, how long did you have the feed going before you were offered your book deal? was it based on time or followers? When karl pitches the book, in the book, that's when the book was pitched.
How many pizza rolls do you think you could eat in one sitting? I've eaten the whole big bag from costco multiple times. you can never stop.
Hi mike. What was the creation process for Karl like? Did you intentionally set out to have him on a deep downward slide? Sometimes it reflects my life or my life in the past. ill have him get angry when im angry, elated with i am, etc. but there are always consequences.
You have a surprisingly large regime of fans in Oklahoma City. Have you pondered the idea of bringing your bold flavored book tour to the Great Plains? A Mike Burns standup would suffice as well... Thank you for the unending amount of laughs! OKC is on the wishlist, yes. Go Thunder. Big fan.
Why Grand Blanc? Are you from Grand Blanc? Karl seems like more of a downriver kind of guy. I always figured that Grand Blanc was sort of upscale. I'm Saginaw. I needed Karl to start stable and upscale, then slip down the river.
Just want you to know that I joined twitter 2 years ago to follow you. Never laughed so hard in my life. How upset were you when the deadspin article ran? I was upset for a little while, but then me and my buddies got a dirty 30 and had fun with it. fuck it. it worked out in the end.
Do you spend time writing story arcs offline before tweeting through them? How much (if any) is stuff made up on the spot? 99% of it is in the moment.
How the hell do you keep track of all the small/minor details of the @dadboner saga? It's just become so real to me in my head, that I don't have to really make an effort at it. No different than how you know what kind of car your parents drive.
Do you ever catch yourself talking like Karl when you should be talking like Mike? My friends and I talk like Karl, WAY more than we should. Somehow, it makes doing things you're not supposed to, totally ok.
At first, I was bummed when you started shilling the book on the twitter feed. I'm glad it became part of the character. Makes me feel better about buying the book now. Is there any chance Ann is going to come around on Karls bad boy persona and accept him for who he really is? Take him back all the way, even? Oh, just wait. No free lunch in this world. I don't know exactly what's going to happen, but something big is going to.
How has DadBoner changed your life? and what is your favorite part of the karl welzein plot line thus far? It has helped my comedy career, yes.
My favorite thing ever is when he took the shit outside of the dumpster at work and wiped his ass with burger king napkins. made me laugh so hard.
Dude - don't lie. You're lying there with mega butt cheeks right now aren't you? She was based on real life, right? Kinda concerning? I've made mistakes.
But i'm still working my way through this in & out burger at the dining room table in a come n get it dog food tshirt with the sleeves cut off.
Why haven't you written your monthly article for Vice in a while? Missing out some real bad boy stories to read on the john. Might have to start doing more shups instead. I can only write so much. And it kind of served its purpose. If you didn't notice, the feed kind of suffered while i was writing those. it was also on top of finishing the book, and writing full time at ridiculousness on mtv.
What's the closest you've ever gotten to drinking a thousand beers? I counted my intake in New York one night. My 24 hr. daily count was around 68 drinks. That's not bullshit. Still was KIND OF functional.
Didn't you just do one of these? Can't you get those grubby book people off your back? Those "grubby book people" work their asses off for a fake character named karl. i fucking love each and every one of them.
How did the forward by Anthony Bourdain come about? Did he approach you? Mr. Bourdain was a great supporter of Karl on his own. So we asked him if he'd be so kind as to give us an official blurb. He obliged.
It's one of my favorite things ever. I've been a fan since I read Kitchen Confidential twice in a row when it came out.
Thanks for doing the AMA Mike, reading DadBoner has really improved my time on the toilet. Two questions for you... Have you had any sort of response or acknowledgement from Guy Fieri? It's what you already liked in the first place, but better. no different than buying a movie you love on to own the ray and watch the extended version/extras. the hardcover is so fucking boss.
What sets "Power Moves" apart from the rest of the DadBoner saga, why should we all go and get it? Yes. that's all i can say. and it wasn't bad.
Does Karl sleep in the front or back seat of the 'bring? Front. "ease the seat back"
Where would you suggest I get a burger at? In & Out. My roommate is on his way there to pick me up a triple triple, animal style, with raw onions.
I'd go there if it wasn't hundreds of miles away :( Fuck, i don't know man? wendy's?
favorite wrestler after stone cold? Flair 3. Macho.
Did it bother you to have Karl the character stumping for am AMA by real-life you, the man behind the curtain? Kind of. But to be honest, I'm gonna go back in the feed and delete any traces of this afterwards, and act like it never happened. So who gives a fuck? Also, this is to promote the book, and I have a responsibility to do so. When book sales are doing well, you're not going to see me complain. I'm happy for Karl to have success, in a weird fucking way.
How much of Karl's life has inspired your life? Need exact percentage and examples. Mostly, other way around. I don't know man, I used to get fucked up alot and my wife left me.
How did you get DadBoner to first catch on? I'm sure after a critical mass of followers, then it can take off, I just wonder how you first got to that critical mass. Luck. Pretty sure some writers at Fallon found it and shared it around when it was around a thousand followers. Also, superjacket EP Shane Nickerson gave it a push before I knew him.
When are you going to publish a cookbook? When they let me. it's on the wishlist.
I was a big fan of the Gentlemen Scumbags podcast when it was still around. What happened with that? Did you just get busy with other things? Thanks so much for creating DadBoner! I've gotten so many fucking laughs out of it you guys. THANK YOU! Yeah, I did just get too busy. But I want it to come back. That podcast was the best form of therapy I've ever had. I used to worry that people listening would link DadBoner things to current events in my life I'd talk about.
What ever happened to Gina, the waitress, from Paddy's? Don't know. Might still work there.
I haven't finished Power Moves because I preordered on Amazon and just received it yesterday but does the story of Karl continue, assuming Power Moves is successful? Could he gain the world from the sale of the book only to lose everything again and get back to livin' the dream in the 'Bring? You don't get rich from books. and yes, it continues.
I've been reading k-money's blog for a bit and still can't figure out what his damn "'rang" is. Can you help a brother out? Earring. My Dad would call 'em that.
Also, have you found that the following of Karl has changed since you've come out as his founder? I don't read @'s like I used to. I don't need to see shit like "someone else writes dadboner now!" idiots. no one has ever touched it. or, "it's just not as good" when the day before there was a long, amazing story that more than trumped most of what had happened in the past. people like to bitch. i don't have time for that.
You ever pound a couple cold ones and wonder how Big J is doing? I do think about big j, yes. is that weird? probably.
How do you make money? Are you seeing any cash from twitter? Do they do that? Is this book your only way of monetizing @DadBoner? How much of your time is spent on the feed v. other endeavors? Never made a penny from twitter. I got a little cash from the book. But I'm also a tv writer as a day job. I write @dadboner when I can and more heavily in between gigs.
So have you done anything worth mentioning? Your mom.
Hey Karl, Long-time follower, first time reader of Power Moves. I just wanted to see how you been feeling since the mighty BLACKHAWKS took down your red wings? Patty Kane probably drank like a thousand beers that night, you guys. I was so fucking sad and pissed off. I like the Hawks though, lived in Chicago for 7 years, but it took me half way through the kings series to support them again. even got to go to a game at staples.
Most intent-y things that move into the book field tend to just be a "best of" or pulled verbatim directly from the webpage/twitter feed. If Harper Columns were to, due to the success of the book, offer you an opportunity to make a second book do you think you would try new materiel or would you pick up where the book left off with the twitter feed? I would pick up where it left off. I want that story in book form. I'd also like to do a cookbook, and a Roadhouse graphic novel.
Once Karl gets his 'Maro, which seems inevitable, will he go back to show it off at his old job? Really rub it in Nosey Lady's face. Man. If he got one, probably.
Thought your Tumblr was great. Loved the Cosby recaps and the essay about why every dude should suck a dick. I shared it with everyone. Is more stuff outside of the dadboner universe on the horizon? Thank you! I forgot about those. There's TONS of shit out there. I'm generally a TV comedy writer, Dadboner is just the most popular.
How 'bout this? Link to tomberenger.tumblr.com
If Karl was making a mix tape, what would be the first 5 tracks on it? Ramblin gamblin, still of the night, metal health, somebody's gotta feel this, knock em dead kid.
I see you are a WWE fan. Do you still get together for PPVs? MITB possibly or just the big ones? I'm out of town for money, but yeah, we get it. and i'll be at slam in person.
What is your favorite guilty pleasure? I don't feel guilty for liking things that don't harm others.
What the hell is a DadBoner? Boner you get from some new wrangler jeans.
Have any fast food companies or beer companies ever thanked you or offered to be sponsors or tried to be plugged in your feed? Never. They just steal at will.
Are you going to do another LA show anytime soon? We'll probably focus on out of town for now, but you can always see my foul mouthed stand up somewhere.
Guy Fieri would be the best pro wrestler of all time, no? I'd KILL to see it.
How often to you think to yourself, "Holy shit, it's Thursday and I haven't posted 'Really looking forward to the weekend you guys...' yet!"? If it doesn't go up, it doesn't go up, and life goes on. I try not to live around the feed, and instead make the feed live around me.
You free later to hit up the 'bees and slug some BL 'nums with Coot and Guy? I am not. I have a date with a babe. We're gonna get high, order pizza, and watch a movie. I'm tired.
One night I just started at the beginning of Dadboner tweets. and just read and read and read. I showed it too my manager and some friends. They fucking loved it. So I went harder with it.
When did you realize you had something legit on your hands? Ever have any scary real life experiences because of your authoring of Karl? No, nothing really scary. Everyone's been so nice.
Hey Mike, just finished the book and thanks for doing this. I researched Paddy's back in the day and pulled up a menu of theirs. I was shocked to see some of the items Karl ate were actually on there. Have you ever been and why hasn't Karl frequented Paddy's or Wild Spurs lately? Yes, I've been to Paddy's. Drank a Jameson neat with a Karl and a Dave at the bar. So fucking surreal.
Karl goes through phases.
What was your original vision for Karl? Did you anticipate him becoming this fully fleshed out character that people could both laugh at and empathize with? I didn't know people would get into it so hard, but he was fleshed to an extent out before I started it.
Dude! I used to LOVE the scumbags podcast! Will you and Bridenstein ever bring it back? Bridenstine. And hopefully, yes.
Any chance of resurrecting Gentleman Scumbags? or appearing on NLO again in the future? Reached out to patches to be on NLO, but no response.
I do want scumbags to come back, yes.
Do you find it ridiculous that people are addressing you as Karl even though the title of this AMA states that it's you doing the interview? Do people just heckle you with dadboner stuff during your standup? Nah, it's ok.
And I've got no problem handling hecklers, but people have not done that.
You said in your deadspin interview that you didn't know who wrote ann's feed, but what about the short lived @occupyboner ? The avatar pic looks like the same fucking guy! Blew my mind. Also, how can I stop alcohol from crippling me? Never heard of occupyboner.
Stop drinking it. maybe you're more of a drug person?
Is Karl gonna drink a thousand beers this weekend? Probably. Think he might have a problem?
Why can't Dave figure out his peener? Dave invented the peener.
How did Drew Magary kill Peanut? I remember the "outing" and Peanut's death, but I don't recall them being related events. He snooped. Peanut got whacked.
Do you use some sort of system for mapping out Karl's past? IE, where the boat is, characters in the universe and their current status, etc? Nothing. It's all up top, amigo.
When Don Cornelius died, Karl wrote about having Ann look for the Soul Train DVDs he bought a couple years ago, and that referred to a total nonsequitir from 2 years prior where Karl was up at 3am and ordered them from a TV ad. I do not purposely save things for future use, but rather occasionally just leave things open ended, then come back for them. Just like a callback in a joke or an improv or sketch show.
So the question is: do you write some of these nuggets down for later use, or do you have some savant-like memory when it comes to mundane details about Karl's life? I guess I remember almost everything he does because I feel like I lived it along with him.
Thanks for creating the character. You've provided me and my friends with 10s of hours of enjoyment. Hell "corncob" "beefers" "concerning" are pretty much in my vocab now. Thank you so much. That all makes me happy brother. Again, thank you. Me and my friends use the vocab too.
One thing, I always want a follow up with Big Mayo. Did you just not like the story line? Edit: The least thing I could do was pick up a $15 book. I think I got like 1 hour of enjoyment per nickel :) I purposely leave things like Big Mayo open ended sometimes. It creates laying in the story. And makes if more fun to write.
Are the "Really looking forward to the weekend, you guys" tweets autosubmitted by a scheduling service? Absolutely not. I've never used a scheduling service. Fuck that shit. Sometimes, part of the thrill is needing to find a computer to post it from. If I don't, then he doesn't. And that's just the way it is.
I just wanted to say that I've been a follower of Karl for the better part of the last two years. He is the absolute best. I can literally throw a random quote around my friends and they will know exactly what I'm talking about. I love that people can bond over Karl.
I just wanted to let you know that your work is appreciated by many and has given me something to laugh about and relate to when I was in some pretty dark places. Thank you so much. He helped me through some pretty dark places too.
How has Karl avoided jail time? I've never been to jail. And I'm done all just about everything on par with him. So, luck?
You have changed the way i talk too. "BL nums, celebraish, money, you guys, peener and veggies, shut him down, a thousand beers.." all of it. i would TOTALLY go out on a date with karl. kinda concerning? Karl a real man, any babe would be lucky to feel his touch.
Will there be any Karl merch for sale? Probably. If there's a demand. There's some t-shirts. I'm not gonna push it thought. But if people want them, I will make them.
What's Karl's stance on Canadians? I have a feeling he may not see us in the most positive light. Karl and I both dig Canada, and have gotten fucked up many a time in Windsor. Canada is just like "more Michigan."
I know you killed Peanut off the day after Drew Magary posted that article about you on Deadspin. Is there any other instances in Karl's life where an auxiliary character was affected by someone's actions towards you? A fuckton of them. Like, Vernon got stabbed, because I got stabbed in a fight with some gangbangers.
Awesome, a Burns AMA! I've always wondered this, why did you chose @DadBoner for your Twitter name? Why would you NOT want DadBoner as your twitter name. And Karl likes shit that gives dads, boners.
Karl seems like one of those crazy guys at work that you tell all your friends about. Is he based on someone you've met, or just a complete fabrication? He's based on a bunch of them, yes. I used to do construction work just like he does now.
Did you ever figure out how to post a picture of your dick on here? Nope. Got like 12 in my phone ready to go. Real talk. Im no stranger to dick pics.
What tv shows have you written for? Ridiculousness and Money From Strangers, and a few other little things.
Have you ever lived in Michigan (or elsewhere, middle of nowhere suburban flyover land)? 'Cause I got to say man, you do it on-spot. Born-18 yrs old in Saginaw MI. Everything is as accurate as possible.
How many copies of Power Moves have been sold? No idea. not at all. i don't want to know yet.
What ever happened to mega Buttcheeks? Seems like she is the only lady that has been able to keep Karl's carnal passions in check. She's out there, rockin' from side to side.
Is it ok that I still picture you as that heavy set guy with a beard in the blue shirt and chain? because I always will... Yes it is. karl 1.0 was a happier time.
Do you sit there & type out Karl's tweets real time or do you use a service like Buffer to write everything at once & then publish it? Only real time. and improvised.
Did you have a heart attack or only Karl? Just karl that time.
Are you, or have you ever been, a Rivals.com Mainboard user? Never heard of it.
Is Ann still a sore subject, Karl? Karl's not here.
Just remembered another question. In a Deadspin article a few days you talked about having to do your AMA as Karl in a somewhat negative light (you wanted to throw a chair through a window). Do you not enjoy doing these? If so, I'm sorry. SAUCE. I don't not enjoy it. i just struggle with breaking character.
I'm pretty sure I know what the bit 'you guys' is all about, but please explain to all your Twitter fans. As simple as a commentary about the redneck vernacular? You guys is the same as "dear diary"
Mike, I just want to let you know that Dadboner is unquestionably the funniest, most creative account I follow on Twitter. You never fail to make me laugh, or think. Thank You. Thank you so much for liking it. It never stops being flattering when people say that.
No question - but congrats on creating the funniest character on the internet. I hope you an parlay this into a lot of other funny shit that makes you a ton of money. Thanks man. I'm just happy with funny shit though.
RIP peanut Never forget.
How did the character of Karl change after you were "outed." It really hasn't, except for things like this. If anything the story's been more filthy than before.
I've eaten the whole big bag from costco multiple times. you can never stop. Seriously, i fucking love pizza rolls.
I'm from grand blanc and I'm proud to be a fellow resident. I wonder if he's in the city or township. His family home was about a half mile from The Jewel.
RIP Peanut. Never forget.
Thanks for introducing a slew of new slang for me to use. "Corncob" and "celebraish'"have really caught on here in Denver. You're welcome! Karl talks real fun.
Hey Mike! Go Green! Sparty on, brother.
Mike, thanks for all the laughs. Just wanted you to know my wife now says "you guys" constantly and even referenced a "power move" the other day. You're doing God's work. Thank you so much, and to your wife. You stay with that one.
Thanks to Karl, Michican is now famous for something. It's not spelling, that's for sure.
Hi. could you please stop saying/doing/posting anything that is from Mike Burns. just keep it Karl only. thanks. It's just a twitter. I'm not Banksy or some shit. And I only post things that have to do with things Karl, for Karl fans. Would you like to write the feed now, sir?
Any chance you can work in a character called Lord Nugget? No.
Last updated: 2013-07-16 20:54 UTC
This post was generated by a robot! Send all complaints to epsy.
submitted by tabledresser to tabled [link] [comments]

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