Sonoda - Japan - Horse Racing | Horse Betting

I realized there are no sources of live horse racing data available, so I made one

I am an app developer who is interested in making a fake horse racing betting app (real odds / races, fake chips) but I realized there are no sources of horse racing data available.
So I made it!
The end result is https://www.horseapi.com/ - live horse racing odds and results.
It's pretty straightforward what it provides but here is a sample of the data you can get from it:
{ "raceNumber": 9, "runners": [ { "name": "Queen Of Shades", "number": "1", "saddleColor": "#bc0000", "odds": null, "morningLine": null, "weight": null, "trainer": null, "jockey": null, "gender": "F", "age": 3, "scratched": true }, { "name": "Originator", "number": "1A", "saddleColor": "#bc0000", "odds": "7/2", "morningLine": "7/2", "weight": 116.0, "trainer": "Wilkes Ian R", "jockey": "Landeros Chris", "gender": "M", "age": 5, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Fame Feather", "number": "2", "saddleColor": "#c3cdd4", "odds": "15", "morningLine": "15", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Davis Christopher", "jockey": "Doyle Sophie", "gender": "M", "age": 5, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Dance Rhythms", "number": "3", "saddleColor": "#253b84", "odds": "15", "morningLine": "15", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Foley Gregory D", "jockey": "Bejarano Rafael", "gender": "M", "age": 5, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Tia Flor", "number": "4", "saddleColor": "#c1a800", "odds": "50", "morningLine": "50", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Fernandez Kelly A", "jockey": "Diaz Carlos A", "gender": "M", "age": 7, "scratched": false }, { "name": "I'llhandalthecash", "number": "5", "saddleColor": "#1c5b1b", "odds": "10", "morningLine": "10", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Handal Raymond", "jockey": "Beschizza Adam", "gender": "F", "age": 4, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Bingwa", "number": "6", "saddleColor": "#252525", "odds": "3", "morningLine": "3", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Ward Wesley A", "jockey": "Corrales Gerardo", "gender": "F", "age": 4, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Unaquoi", "number": "7", "saddleColor": "#b63d13", "odds": "8", "morningLine": "8", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Figgins, Iii Ollie L", "jockey": "Julien R. Leparoux", "gender": "M", "age": 6, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Cardamon", "number": "8", "saddleColor": "#b27692", "odds": "8", "morningLine": "8", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Mott William I", "jockey": "Garcia Martin", "gender": "F", "age": 4, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Baroness Vontrappe", "number": "9", "saddleColor": "#13a19c", "odds": null, "morningLine": null, "weight": null, "trainer": null, "jockey": null, "gender": "M", "age": 5, "scratched": true }, { "name": "Whimsical Muse", "number": "10", "saddleColor": "#610f9a", "odds": "10", "morningLine": "10", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Amoss Thomas M", "jockey": "Graham James", "gender": "F", "age": 4, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Dixieincandyland", "number": "11", "saddleColor": "#6b6b6b", "odds": "9/2", "morningLine": "9/2", "weight": 123.0, "trainer": "Kenneally Eddie", "jockey": "Rosario Joel", "gender": "F", "age": 4, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Even Beat", "number": "12", "saddleColor": "#2f9a3b", "odds": "10", "morningLine": "10", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Maker Michael J", "jockey": "Ortiz Jose L", "gender": "M", "age": 5, "scratched": false }, { "name": "Hidden Facts", "number": "13", "saddleColor": "#413733", "odds": "4", "morningLine": "4", "weight": 121.0, "trainer": "Lynch Brian A", "jockey": "Castellano Javier", "gender": "F", "age": 4, "scratched": false }, { "name": "She's All Skeet", "number": "14", "saddleColor": "#790031", "odds": null, "morningLine": null, "weight": null, "trainer": null, "jockey": null, "gender": "M", "age": 5, "scratched": true }, { "name": "Holiday Time", "number": "15", "saddleColor": "#715933", "odds": null, "morningLine": null, "weight": null, "trainer": null, "jockey": null, "gender": "M", "age": 5, "scratched": true }, { "name": "Vomba", "number": "16", "saddleColor": "#3b5d8f", "odds": null, "morningLine": null, "weight": null, "trainer": null, "jockey": null, "gender": "F", "age": 4, "scratched": true } ], "results": null, "estimatedStartTime": "2020-05-30T21:12:00.933+0000", "status": "OPEN", "distance": "5.5f", "breed": "THOROUGHBRED", "raceClass": "Allowance Optional Claiming", "surface": "Turf", "purse": "$83k", "betTypes": [ "WIN", "PLACE", "SHOW", "EXACTA", "TRIFECTA", "SUPERFECTA" ] }
While we do intend to charge a monthly subscription for access to the data, I would consider alternative arrangements if any fellow horseracing enthusiasts want to use the data.
In the meantime, I'll get working on my fake horse betting app ;)
submitted by achuinard to horseracing [link] [comments]

Script for "History of the entire world I guess" by Bill wurtz

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth—star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything
submitted by Temnelc to copypasta [link] [comments]

History of the entire world I guess

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth—star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything
submitted by TruLiterature to DecreasinglyVerbose [link] [comments]

D100 Incidents a charlatan PC is making amends for

100 things a charlatan PC would be trying to make amends for. This is an idea brought up by a player at my table who wants a sort of "My Name is Earl" redemption story where she finds the person she wronged and tries to make up for it.

d100 Incidents a charlatan PC is making amends for

  1. Leaving an acquaintance to blame for selling fake drugs to a noble [Sleepy_Bandit]
  2. Tampering with a competitor's equipment to cause them to lose a competition so you can win a bet [Sleepy_Bandit]
  3. Stealing candy from a child who has now grown up to become a rage-filled barbarian [Sleepy_Bandit]
  4. Selling fake love potions to a desperate noble who ended up being embarrassed in public [Sleepy_Bandit]
  5. Using a friend's identity for an illegal deal and getting them arrested / questioned by the authorities [Sleepy_Bandit]
  6. Seducing away a minor noble’s daughter while posing as a noble, leaving them both destitute. [Marksman157 ]
  7. bank fraud, resulting in the economic collapse of a village; a few deaths by despair, starvation or incidental robbery involved [LordsOfJoop ]
  8. planting fake evidence of involvement with a string of robberies, resulting in a local noble being exiled for life [LordsOfJoop ]
  9. popularizing a song that portrays a church in a strongly negative light, resulting in a purge from the region [LordsOfJoop ]
  10. selling a crate of shoddy weapons and armor to a local militia, resulting in a humiliating defeat [LordsOfJoop ]
  11. Playing both sides of a minor dispute between nobles that resulted in closed borders between the 2 regions (cold war situation). [always_gamer_hair]
  12. Farting at a very inopportune moment in front of a noble's child. [always_gamer_hair]
  13. Keeping a memento from a battle that should have gone back to the soldier's significant other or child. [always_gamer_hair]
  14. Climbing up a wall with clearly posted "no climbing" signs, causing part of the wall to collapse [always_gamer_hair]
  15. Accidentally melting the ice sculptures at a local ice festival. [always_gamer_hair]
  16. Reselling stolen goods to the wrong merchant. [always_gamer_hair]
  17. Informing the local captain of the guard that their wife is having an affair when, in fact, she is most certainly not. [always_gamer_hair]
  18. Joined a convent for 9 months to hide from debt collectors, then burned the place down in a botched attempt at faking their death. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  19. Let a refugee family use their name to get into a safe city, having forgotten that they are a wanted criminal there. The family was detained, brutally interrogated as potential accomplices, and then thrown out. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  20. Used a set of vestments stolen from a cleric's wardrobe following a one night stand to sell fake indulgences and de-cursings. Many people were injured, and the cleric has been banished from their temple. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  21. Made up a really impressive sounding fake name off the cuff while being arrested which turned out to be a real, very important person. Interpreting the announcement of their arrest as some sort of provocation, a series of insults and slights escalated into an actual border war... in which the character was an active profiteer. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  22. Deflowered one of the participants in a critical political marriage the night before the ceremony, derailing a critical peace settlement and destabilizing the entire region for years [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  23. Participated in a rebellion against an evil overlord, and named names when captured by the guards. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  24. Hocked a critical spare part from an irrigation system for beer money, causing a massive crop failure when that part was needed and couldn't be found in time. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  25. Engaged in some petty abuse of the local populace while wearing a guard uniform (stolen as part of another petty crime), which provoked a clash between the local peasants and the local law, resulting in many injuries and some deaths. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  26. Took a large sum of money to act as a surveyor and just copied a previous surveyor's work, resulting in multiple recently founded villages being destroyed when a dam was built down-river from them. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  27. Accidentally started a race war by spouting off about how much better elves are than dwarves...in a dwarf bar [WSHIII]
  28. Accidentally started a three way religious war by claiming Torm was better than Ilmater...in Tyrian temple. [WSHIII]
  29. Accidentally started the Blood War by pissing through a portal into Graz’zt’s throne room...while dressed as a devil for Halloween [WSHIII]
  30. Betting (and losing) a party member on a gamble after already having lost all their money. The winner has ties to the slave trade and is not happy. [Zekaito]
  31. Sold a man a bridge who was subsequently eaten by a very persistent troll. [Wolfenight]
  32. The significant other of a person killed in a fireball mistake turned out to be a renowned and feared bounty hunter. [supersteve320]
  33. Tricking a family member or friend into buying pointless insurance. [Umkynareth]
  34. Tricking a family or friend into investing in a company that never existed. [Umkynareth]
  35. Convincing a friend not to marry by using a loaded die / coin. [Umkynareth]
  36. Upcharging significantly for beewine/mead at a close friend’s wedding. [Umkynareth]
  37. Taking and completing a contract to kill or bankrupt a close relation’s parent, friend or lover. [Umkynareth]
  38. Betting and losing a deed that wasn’t theirs to bet. [Umkynareth]
  39. Stealing a horse. [Umkynareth]
  40. Rewriting their parents’/grandparents’ will to their benefit. [Umkynareth]
  41. Laundering money for a gang / beholder / trading company that then ruined the charlatan’s ancestral lands or city. [Umkynareth]
  42. Convincing a former ally to make a pact with a shady entity at great personal cost in the name of wealth. [Umkynareth]
  43. Extorting, blackmailing or embezzling from an orphanage. [Umkynareth]
  44. Running an orphanage as a front. [Umkynareth]
  45. Skimming/stealing tithes. [Umkynareth]
  46. Hanging on to a memento from a cursed forest / temple, which must be returned lest extremely bad luck continue to befall them. [Umkynareth]
  47. Selling a cursed memento to an acquaintance that granted them exceptionally bad luck. [Umkynareth]
  48. Working with a troll/ogre to collect bridge tolls at great cost to life and limb for others. [Umkynareth]
  49. Contributing to the extinction of a local beast / bird after selling snake oil made from its bits. [Umkynareth]
  50. Conning a respected warrior into buying a weapon the charlatan enchanted to return to his/her position when the command word was spoken. [Umkynareth]
  51. Secretly working with a nothic to learn too much at great cost. [Umkynareth]
  52. Destroying a family’s crops and livelihood with shoddy agricultural remedies to cause their business and lands’ value to decline. [Umkynareth]
  53. Eating that last slice of pie... it was not a good idea... [dermitdog]
  54. Instigating a gang war between two shady (yet wealthy) casinos by cheating and pretending to be from the other casino. [dermitdog]
  55. Sinking the prize ship of a navy while pretending to be a nautical carpenter [dermitdog]
  56. Crashing the lord's masquerade by spilling all of the swindled gold lining your clothes while on the stage, then escaping and therefore discrediting the lord for allowing a vagabond to steal so much money and get away with it leaving the (generous and generally beloved) noble house destitute. [dermitdog]
  57. Selling 'magical' 'snake' oil that, caused a child to die of blood poisoning instead of their terminal (yet curable) illness. [dermitdog]
  58. Reading from the wrong scripture while posing as a preacher, causing a devout acolyte to be executed for heresy after reciting your teachings. [dermitdog]
  59. Lying about your identity to someone while becoming their lover for a scheme. The love was eventually genuine from your side, but the scheme wasn't exactly for the other's benefit. The revelation of your lie has left them heartbroken and angry at you. [dermitdog]
  60. Laundering money so well that it got into wider circulation and put multiple people into prison as they tried to use the money in more rigorous markets. [dermitdog]
  61. Telling someone that you could make them fly, leading to their suicide. [dermitdog]
  62. Selling family heirlooms while posing as a moving company worker, scattering the heritage of a dwindling noble family. [dermitdog]
  63. Leaving your home city abruptly, cutting all ties and never looking back on the people you knew. [dermitdog]
  64. Not stopping a clear case of marital abuse because doing so would blow your cover. [dermitdog]
  65. Stealing the bricks from a historic building and selling them at extortionate prices while replacing them with weaker materials, causing the building to collapse during a busy day. [dermitdog]
  66. Misquoting a holy passage, causing a schism in the church. [dermitdog]
  67. Pressured an accomplice to not seek medical aid for a serious injury, fearing it would result in the detection of a criminal plot, only to wreck the plot themselves by running their mouth in a tavern while drunk. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  68. Not wanting to be outdone telling tawdry tales at the inn, the character made up an atrociously lurid fib about their activities with a young princess they had never actually met. A bard heard it, made it into song, and completely ruined her marriage prospects. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  69. Sold a map of the city catacombs to what they thought were drug smugglers for 50 gold and a cask of nice wine. The "drug smugglers" were an engineering crew from a rival city, and in a siege 6 months later used the plans to great effect by setting explosives under critical defense structures. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  70. Convinced a young accomplice to take the fall for a crime they committed, on the logic that the character would be able to break them out later. Character instead got arrested for partying too hard in the next town over, and jumped a ship out of the country instead of trying to go back for their fall guy. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  71. Persuaded several friends to bankroll them for a surefire gambling scheme, based on a plan to use advanced math to calculate the "true" odds of any particular play. Lost everything when they got too drunk to properly carry the "1". [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  72. While rummaging through a church for things to steal, they found an old bottle of wine, drank it, and put the empty bottle back in it's nook. The bottle was one of the earthly possessions of a man who ascended to a higher plane, and it's consumption was seen as a sign of his return. Several pretenders appeared, triggering a violent schism in the religion. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  73. When travelling, they met the last survivor of a pilgrimage, clutching a golden chest in his hands. They were attempting to return a holy relic to a temple, in accordance with an oath sworn by the founder of their order over 150 years ago. With their last breath, they begged the character to deliver the relic in the chest to their destination. The character, headed the other direction, chose to throw the relic in a creek and hock the chest for 10 gold. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  74. In a moment of cocky bravado, the character gloated over the fallen body of a dangerous litch, telling them that they were an idiot for not hiding their phylactery better, rattling off several examples. The lich then used a contingency spell to transport themselves and their phylactery away. The phylactery hasn't been seen since, but the lich has been a plague on the land for years... [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  75. Accidentally fell in with a group of highway robbers and cutthroats, who told the character they were freedom fighters against a corrupt regime. The character found out after a week, but stuck around for a whole month because the "rebel leader" was just too hot. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  76. Attempting to get a lover to leave them so as to not feel the guilt of initiating a breakup, the character went too far, gaslighting their SO to the point of actual madness. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  77. Sold samples of their own blood to a group they knew to be demon summoning cultists as "virgin blood" (lol, no). They successfully summoned the demon, but completely failed at containing or dismissing it. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  78. Got drunk and took a piss in a holy fountain, deconsecrating it. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  79. Fiddled around with an elaborate sundial because they were bored, not knowing that it served an important role in timing the local planting cycle and triggering massive crop failure. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  80. Agreed to act as a fraudulent guardian for a group of orphans who needed parental consent to join the Army. The "military recruiter" was actually an agent for a slave trader. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  81. Hid the body of a dead man in a well, contaminating the only ready source of clean water within 5 miles of a small town. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  82. Received a key to the city for services rendered, and then got drunk and lost it. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  83. Sold a large pile of colored flour to a church, telling them it was rare medicinal powder. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  84. Stole a statue from a town square and sold it for cheap to an art collector. The statue was actually the petrified body of a legendary hero, prophecied to return to life in the time of greatest need, and the "art collector" her ancient nemesis. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  85. Yelled "do a flip" at a despondent man standing on a ledge. They did the flip. It was horrible. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  86. Spent years convincing an old, half-blind noblewoman that they were their adult grandchild. When the real grandchild came to visit, the guards shot them as an impostor. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  87. Knowingly gave a group of pirates a map of the harbor defenses of a city that had banished them for multiple crimes. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  88. Blamed a rash of robberies they had committed on an in-city goblin community, giving their enemies a pretense to persecute and exile them, uprooting families that had been living there for generations and turning "Goblintown" from a thriving community to an urban blight. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  89. Knowingly sold defective spell components to a group of student wizards, causing them to fail their final exams when the spells misfired. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  90. While drunk and in a fighty mood, played "devil's advocate" in an argument with a paladin, turning them Oathbreaker. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  91. After being saved from a shipwreck by a merperson, told a group of pirates where to find them in exchange for a fixed fee per fin they cut off. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  92. Participated in a scheme to breed and train mimics to act as guard animals and security devices. It worked great for about 72 hours, and then people started getting beaten to death by their own nightstands. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  93. Blamed a friendly old healer woman for cursing them, so they wouldn't need to explain certain symptoms of a STI to their significant other. The healer was a druid who was single-handedly responsible for keeping the Fair Folk at bay and placated, and after she was driven away as a witch they moved in on the town. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  94. Sold swords with defective heat treating to a local militia, many of which shattered in their hands when they were attempting to defend their town from bandits. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  95. Having come down ill before the night of a major party, the character paid a spellcaster to glamor them to hide the symptoms so they could go, carouse and steal. The party was in turn the epicenter of a massive disease outbreak, as many attendees were travelers from afar. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  96. Deliberately triggered a trap on the way out of a dungeon to reduce the number of people with whom they would have to share the treasure. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  97. Built a fake dungeon, and then spread about it at inns and taverns, so they could ambush the adventurers who came to "save the townsfolk" and take their stuff. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  98. Bought a group of slaves on the intention of freeing them... and then changed their mind once they found out how good they were at keeping house and cooking meals. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  99. Tuned out during a conversation with a significant other, giving them the "yeah, sure honey, sounds good" treatment when the SO was a young artificer asking for guidance on what ingredients to use, causing a large explosion. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
  100. Gave someone's name to the Inquisition because they figured it would be easier to rob their house when they were too busy being stabbed with hot irons in a dungeon to do anything about it. [Vote_for_Knife_Party]
submitted by Sleepy_Bandit to d100 [link] [comments]

Carnival Game Ideas?

My party is about to enter a Big City (TM) that's amidst a 3-day celebration. I have a few descriptions ready, but I want it to really feel more immersive than that. I'm sure I'll visit a carnival/celebration themed session again in the future, so I decided I'd share a few ideas I had about making carnival games that are quick and easy to play, and welcome any additional ideas to the list (maybe even games from other cultures beyond Avistan)!
All of these are balanced to early level, and I think the DCs should stay that way. After all, most NPCs in the city aren't seasoned explorers, and it could be fun showing off godly physical abilities to a bunch of low-level peasants to marvel at.
And now, ON WITH THE SHOW! First up...

JOUST!

I know, I know, a little cheesy, but my favorite class is the Champion, and I'd be remiss if I left out the most classic of medieval festival games. The idea of the game is simple, you all know it: charge, knock the other dude off, don't fall off yourself. Bets welcome. Mechanically I don't want to make it too bloated, so let's just assume they're all war horses and move on. Since they're combat trained, they won't be frightened with they clash. Participants might rent these bad boys or bring their own, but this is a game for seasoned warriors anyways.
The checks and DCs should be participant based, so I think setting the attack roll and damage output of a lance (also rented or brought which deal nonlethal damage) which goes against the "HP" of the opponent should suffice. But surely not the full HP, that might take too long at the table. For this, I think the Fortitude DC can be converted point for point as this substitute HP we'll call "Joust Points".
So, for sample play, Sir Lancelot and Sir Gawain both charge their noble steeds and roll damage from their lances, taking into account any relevant traits (such as the Jousting trait). Lancelot rolled 1d6+1 for a total of 3, while Gawain rolled a 5. Both have a Fort DC of 15 at level 1, and so the contest continues until one of them yields.
If you'd like to add some extra fun, add an attack roll vs the opponent's AC for a chance to critically hit and deal double the damage!

SHOOT THE TARGET

But let's try for something a little less stereotypical. Depending on which region of the world you're in, you can flavor the targets to either be standard bullseye targets, goblins (though they're our friends now, so maybe not), or maybe even some other enemy, like a zombie in Lastwall.
Either way, these targets are moving and require DC 5 flat check to hit. It costs 2 copper pieces to play. There are 10 targets total and you could win a prize depending on how accurate you are!
GMs can figure out the prize based on location and level.

FORTUNE TELLING

Not exactly a game, but it's certainly an event the GM can employ for a festival. Let's say you have a plan about what's going to happen in a few sessions, or you want to hint at the BBEG for the climax of the campaign but need an organic way of doing so. Well for 5 silver pieces, you too can ominously or vaguely reveal hints to your players to stoke their imaginations too!
You can also use the fortune teller to set the mood, or assign side-quests, or reiterate important plot details your players may have missed or forgotten about. The uses are myriad and wonderful.

DRINKING/EATING CONTEST

While the flavor (eh? ;D) of these two contests are slightly different, the idea is the same: consume something faster, or longer than anyone else. The rules should be tweaked a bit for the faster one (not exactly sure how to do a speed contest tbh), but the quantity version is simple enough. Participants in the contest sit at a long table spectated by an audience or something similar with a large quantity of food or drink in front of them. Let's say it's a copper piece to play (to reimburse the cost of food and drink) and the winner gets a tacky medal or ribbon or something.
They begin with a simple DC 5 fortitude save to ingest the food or drink and anyone who fails is unable to fully consume the food or drink and must resign. The DC then increases by 1 (or 2 if you're in a hurry or want to keep it short and sweet) until only 1 contestant remains. They then leave the table and are Sickened 1 and Slowed 1 for some amount of time (1 hour seems reasonable, though you can adjust this if there's a combat coming up or something).

DRAGON RACES

Ok, not actual dragons, but little lazy lizards with twigs and papery wings attached to them. Each lizard starts at the starting line, in a cage, of a 30 foot long track. Any participants must ante up to a pot (let's say 5 copper pieces) and winner takes the whole pot (with a small fee to the commissioner of say, half the gold won). Once the gate is released, a whistle is blown and the lizards... don't move.
See, these are notoriously lazy lizards and they need support and encouragement. After an initiative roll, the participants must each succeed a DC 15 Nature check to Command an Animal.
CRITICAL SUCCESS - The lizard moves 10 feet
SUCCESS - The lizard moves 5 feet
FAILURE - The lizard does not move, or moves sideways, and makes no progress to the finish line.
CRITICAL FAILURE - The lizard turns around and moves backwards 5 feet.

HOG TYING CONTEST

As the name suggests this game involves somehow catching and then subduing a greased hog or other similar animal and tying it to assert dominance or whatever. With an entrance fee of 5 cp, the participant is placed into a mud filled pen with this hog that's been covered in grease, and told they have 20 seconds (10 actions) to chase, catch, and grapple the hog into submission.
The hog starts 10 feet away and is aggressive, but not too dangerous. It has a reflex DC of 20 to resist any athletics checks to grapple it, but the attempts splash mud on it, reducing the DC slightly. Each failed attempt lowers the DC by 1. Once the hog is captured, it takes 4 total actions (over any number of turns) to tie its 4 legs together. After each turn has passed that the hog has been grappled, but not tied, it attempts to break free with a +8 Athletics check to escape. This bonus is reduced by 2 after the second leg has been tied, and again after the third. If the hog ever escapes, it moves 10 feet away, and the participant must attempt to grapple it again.
Winners get a ribbon and a prize of 1 sp.

FOOT RACES

A simple race on foot, right? How hard can it be? Oh, did I forget to tell you that you're blindfolded the whole time? After an entrance fee of 1 cp, the contestants are placed in an open field (or other soft, open space) and pointed in the general direction they need to run (100 feet away). They can then use their full complement of actions to Stride up to their land speed (have fun monks), but they must roll a DC 20 Acrobatics check each time they move.
CRITICAL SUCCESS - You move your full speed
SUCCESS - You move half your speed
FAILURE - You stumble and must succeed at a DC 15 Reflex save or trip and fall prone. A success on this Reflex save means you do not fall, and manage to move 5 feet.
CRITICAL FAILURE - As failure, but you automatically fail the Reflex save.
First one to the end wins! First place gets a simple wooden trophy and 1 sp, second place gets a ribbon and 5 cp, while third place get 2 cp.

CONTEST OF STRENGTH

It's time to pump some heavy iron! Here, we pick zings up, and poot zem daown!! A typical weightlifters bar is the challenge; a bar that progressively increases in weight for the maximum load a participant can carry. The bar starts off at 100 pounds. I'm not sure how much Bulk that is, but let's just forget that system for this for now.
You attempt an athletics check against this and let's call it a DC 15, that way it's 1 for every 10 pounds which seems reasonable. Each participant gets 2 attempts to lift the most they can. After each successful attempt, the weight is increased by 20 pounds (10 pounds on each side) and the DC increases by 2.

TALENT SHOW

Inspired by the Circus Show rules from Extinction Curse. Basically, you get a bunch of show-offs, and how ever shows off the best, gets gloating rights. No cost of entry or prize, just have fun! This one, like the Fortune Teller above, heavily rely on roleplaying on the behalf of those involved.
Anyone can use any skill, save, spell, or attack roll they desire, each subject to a MAP (unless it has the Agile trait in the case of an attack roll, or Acrobatics based, in which case it's -4, -8 for the penalty). The DC for this trick is based on their level.
CRITICAL SUCCESS - You generate 4 excitement for your show
SUCCESS - You generate 2 excitement for your show
FAILURE - You fail to generate any excitement.
CRITICAL FAILURE - You generate -1 excitement to a minimum of 0.
Whoever generates the most excitement wins.

BATTLE OF WITS/RIDDLE GAMES

Inspired by u/silversarcasm. Want a less physical display of power? Perhaps riddles for the smarty-pants bard, or a battle of wits for the studious wizard! Chess puzzles are really easy to set up and use for this type of thing, or simply googling riddles can do nicely. Like the fortune teller, you can use this any number of effective ways that can be tailored to your party's needs and desires!

PITFALL

Also inspired by u/silversarcasm. You are an avid explorer of the wild, fearless in the face of danger! Before you lies a pit of crocodiles, piranhas, or worse. Beyond them, treasure beyond imagination! Only one way across though, a rickety balance beam above the pit of death. Can you make it?! Granted, the pit is actually a pool of calm water, and the dangerous beast within are koi fish (or other similarly harmless animal) for flavor.
The rickety balance beam isn't fake though, and is only a few inches wide which spans this 60-foot wide gap. Not a problem you say? What if there were an angry group of natives (spectators) who threw deadly arrows and spears at you as you crossed (water balloons)!
The plank is a narrow wooden beam requiring a DC 20 Acrobatics check to cross, but the constant barrage of water balloons or otherwise make traversing this plank extra difficult to maintain balance. If you do not critically fail your Acrobatics check, you must attempt a DC 15 Reflex save against these water balloons with the following results:
CRITICAL SUCCESS - You incur no penalty in traversing the beam, treating your Acrobatics check as normal.
SUCCESS - The balloons were a near-miss and cause you to stumble, but not lose balance. You treat a critical success as a success, and you treat a success as a failure.
FAILURE - A balloon hits you but does not cause you to lose balance. You are stunned 1, losing your next action, but you still trigger another Reflex save against the volley of balloons.
CRITICAL FAILURE - A balloon hits you so forcefully you nearly fall. You may Grab an Edge as a reaction. But, because the ledge is narrow, flexible, and wet, the DC to Grab the Edge is 20. The DC to Climb the plank on a success is 20. While you have grabbed on to the edge, but not yet climbed up, you may make no progress, but the water balloons do not cause you to fall. Once you climb back on to the plank, you must attempt another Reflex save due to the endless barrage of water balloons
It costs 1 cp to play, but the reward is tenfold at 1 sp. Good luck!
----------------------
But that's all I got for now. I tried to put a bit of something for every class, but I'm sure I missed a lot. I noticed it was very strength based.
If you have any other ideas, especially for other types of contests or games, I'd love to hear them! I'm probably not going to use all of these ideas anyways, but who knows, maybe one of you will like it, and implement them into a carnival somewhere :)
-------------------
EDIT: Added a couple suggestions from comments below
submitted by Wahbanator to Pathfinder2e [link] [comments]

the entire script of history of the entire world, i guess

hi.
you're on a rock floating in space.
pretty cool, huh?
some of it's water.
fuck it, actually most of it's water.
i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.
it's sad.
i'm sad.
i miss you.
how did this happen?
a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.
when?
never.
makes sense, right?
like i said, it didn't happen.
nothing was never anywhere.
that's why it's been everywhere.
it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
you don't even need a when.
that's how every it gets.
forget this.
i wanna be something.
go somewhere.
do something.
i want things to change.
i want to invent time and space.
and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
i just don't know when to start.
and that's exactly where it started.
whoah, i paused it.
i think there's a universe now.
what's it made of?
quarks & stuff
ah, that's a thing.
in a place.
don't like it?
try a new place.
at a different time™.
try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.
and emptier.
but it's not empty yet.
it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
great news!
the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron
and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too
HOT
great news!
the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.
and some of them even doubled up.
great news, the electrons have now joined in
congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.
but it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer toge-
it's a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die.
bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
space dust
which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into
even crazier space dust
so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.
like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.
and it kind of made a mess.
which is
now the moon
weather update:
it's raining rocks from outer space.
weather update:
those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.
weather update:
cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update:
it's raining.
severe flooding alert:
the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert:
that's land!
there's life in the ocean
what?
something's alive in the ocean
oh cool, like a plant or an animal?
no, a microscopic speck.
it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
oh yeah, and it can do that.
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.
so that's pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food
taste the sun
side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.
then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
it's a sponge.
it's a plant.
it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it's the Cambrian explosion
"wow, that's animals and stuff"
but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?
no
why?
the sun is a deadly lazer
oh okay.
not anymore, there's a blanket
now the animals can go on land.
come on, animals, let's go on land!
nope, can't walk yet.
and there's no food yet, so i don't care.
ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?
maybe, said some bugs, and fish.
ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to
have babies
learn to use an egg.
i was already doing that.
use a stronger egg.
put water in it.
have a baby, on land, in an egg.
water is in the egg.
baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me.
bye bye ocean
and now everything's huge.
including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land?
sure.
oh fuck, now everything's dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors.
keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.
here's another map of the land.
yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.
here comes a meteor.
and the dinosaurs are gone
it's mammal time, here come the mammals.
look at those breasts.
now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.
and walk.
no, like, walk like that.
and grab stuff at the same time.
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"ouch"
and set things on fire.
"yeouch"
and make crazy sounds with their voice.
"gneurshk"
which can mean different things.
that's a human person
and now they're everywhere.
almost.
ice age
what, you can walk over here?
cool.
not anymore
well i guess we're stuck here now.
let's review.
there's people on the planet.
and they're chasing their food.
fuck it, time to plant some grass.
look at this.
i control the food now.
now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.
let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything?
use metal.
it's underground.
better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.
and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next
more food.
and more people who came to buy the food.
now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.
and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal?
introducing
Bronze
made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.
i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.
also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.
now we're getting somewhere.
also
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop.
it's the people with the horses.
and they made an empire.
and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks
ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.
let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.
they're gone.
guess who's not gone?
china
new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff
you could make a religion out of this.
there's the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?
thanks.
look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.
here's some huge heads.
must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies.
the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.
the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire.
never mind, it's the babylonian- median-
it's the Persian Empire
"wow, that's big"
ah, the buddha was just enlightened.
who's the buddha?
this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.
you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.
it's a great idea.
he was great.
and now he's dead.
hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.
will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?
ok thanks, bye
time to conquer all of india
or
most of india
but what about this part?
that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.
who are the tamil kings?
merchants, probably
and they've got spices
who would like to buy the spices?
me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.
actually, they have three main philosophies.
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.
greekification overload!
bye, said the parthians.
bye, said the jews.
hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.
thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.
you could make a religion out of this.
want silk?
now you can buy it from china.
they just made a
brand new road to the world
or you can
get there on water
sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.
i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire?
yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet?
let's do it together.
china is whole again
then it broke again
still can't cross the sahara desert?
try camels.
hell yeah! now we've got business
said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves
hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?
no.
actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his
main rival
don't worry about rome, it won't fall.
it's the golden age of india
there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.
first name chandra.
the first.
guess who's in rome?
barbarians
what's a barbarian?
non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.
r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.
great job, göktürks.
how's india?
broken.
how's china?
back together
how's those trading kingdoms?
bigger, and there's more of them
korea has 3 kingdoms.
japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.
so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.
and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.
you could make a religion out of this.
and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.
plus there's
new kingdoms all over europe
i wonder if there's room for moors.
here's all the wisdom.
in a house.
it's the baghdad house of wisdom.
just in time for the
islamic golden age
let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?
someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.
surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.
then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.
but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.
they go north, from the north to the northern north.
and they find some land.
two types of land.
and they name them accordingly.
they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.
there's the rus.
the kievan rus.
are they vikings?
i don't think so, said the kievan rus.
ok, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors.
of the "roman empire".
the holy roman empire.
it's actually germany but don't worry about it.
new kingdoms.
christianize all the kingdoms
which brand would you like?
mine's better.
mine's better.
mine's better.
time to conquer england, said william.
it's a bird, it's a plane
it's the seljuk turks
aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.
we need help!
they need help, so they call the pope.
hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?
maybe take back the holy land on the way?
come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.
yes, i do actually want to do that.
let's do a crusade.
crusade
they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.
but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans.
hello toltecs
goodbye toltecs.
hello mississippi
look at those mounds.
there's the pueblo.
i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who's here?
khmer.
where?
here.
and pagan is there.
vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing.
and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.
nice going, Genghis!
i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time?
i think it's tonga time.
i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.
look at this chad.
means "lake".
there's an empire there.
right in the middle of
Africa
the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.
wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.
please remain christian.
we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming
china's back, yay!
hey khmer, time to share.
new kingdoms here and there.
oh, look who controls all the islands.
it's the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
majapahit?
oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.
it's kinda like a rebirth.
here's a printer.
let's make books.
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?
yep, said the ottoman turks.
nice job, ottoman turks.
whoops, you missed a spot.
don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.
well i guess we'll have to find another way to india
wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.
if the world is round, let's go this way to india.
nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.
so chris goes to spain.
hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?
no.
please?
no.
please?
no.
please?
ok.
so he sails into the ocean.
and discovers more ocean.
and then discovers the indies.
and japan.
let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.
i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?
the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.
move over lithuania, here comes moscow.
ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.
persia just made persia persian again.
let's make it the other kind of islam.
the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.
hey christians!
do you sin?
now you can buy your way out of hell.
that's bullshit.
this whole thing is bullshit.
that's a scam.
fuck the church.
here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?
what if the ottoman empire was really big?
which it is now.
what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.
and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.
damn, said england and france.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.
damn, said amsterdam.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
question 1: can you get to india through north america?
no, but at least there's beaver.
question 2: steal the spice trade.
that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
sugar
guess where all the sugar's made?
in brazil.
stolen
and the caribbean.
and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.
more specifically, ohio.
then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.
but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?
yes they did.
it's britain.
guess who's broke?
also britain.
so they start taxing the hell out of america.
fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.
and france helps them win, now france is broke.
and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a reli- no, don't.
haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.
especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.
why didn't we think of this before?
wait, who's in charge of france now?
me
said napoleon, trying to take over europe.
luckily, they banished him to an island.
but he came back
luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.
so now they can make
many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast
then they invent some trains.
and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
hey, china! said britain.
buy stuff from us!
nah dude, we already got everything, says china.
so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.
which worked, actually.
but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.
also, the
sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now
"that's just where he lives"
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.
nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.
technology is about to go crazy
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.
it's bad, they decided.
and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.
they never got ethiopia
britain and france are still hungry.
they never got thailand
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.
hawaii
cuba
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war!
what should we blame on spain?
let's blame the maine on spain.
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we're in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east.
it makes cars go
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn't had a war since the last war.
so they start world war 1.
look at those guns.
it's gonna be a great war.
so great we won't need a second one.
after it's over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.
now everyone's paycheck is the same.
communism
in the soviet union
the arabs revolt and britain helps.
now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the
jewish people a place to live
hopefully the arabs won't mind.
let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.
except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey
and then the saudis conquer arabia.
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
hello?
yes, it's the 1920's calling.
let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.
the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.
germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.
and he's mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.
they should probably just deny it.
hitler's out of control.
so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.
that's world war 2
bonus round!
pacific showdown.
united states vs. japan.
fight!
finish him
let's unite all the nations and have some
world peace
seems legit.
hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.
wow, that worked?
bonus, now there's pakistan.
actually two pakistans.
one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.
me, they both said at the same time.
let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.
sike, they both get angrier
look out china, there's a new china in china.
what's on the menu?
communism!
no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.
i wonder which one is the real china?
there's the korean war, korea versus korea.
nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
let's meet the sponsors.
oh, it's the two global superpowers.
they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
and they both have atom bombs.
fight!
wait, no, that would be the end of the world.
let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.
and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
i'll race you to space.
now let's make some more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.
so here's a new map, with new countries.
now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.
they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.
south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let's check the world population.
whoa.
okay.
technology's better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.
let's check the mail.
surprise, it's on the computer.
whoops, someone just attacked america.
i bet they'll remember that.
phone call.
surprise, it's in your pocket.
wanna learn everything?
surprise, it's on the computer.
now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.
whoops, the economy just crashed.
don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.
surprise!
flying robots.
with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends.
some people have no food.
the globe is warming
and the ocean is full of plastic
let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.
let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.
that's pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
submitted by TheL3gend37 to copypasta [link] [comments]

Natty or juicy

Natty or juicy submitted by uhhsamurai to nattyorjuice [link] [comments]

History of the entire world I guess

Hi, you're on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of it's water. Fuck it, actually, most of it's water. I can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you.

H O W D I D T H I S H A P P E N ?

A long time ago... actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why it's been everywhere. It's been so everywhere, you don't need a "where". You don't even need a "when". That's how "every" it gets.
...
Forget this, I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. I want things to change, I want to invent time and space, and I know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just don't know when to start... and that's exactly where it started.

Woah, I paused it. I think there's a universe now. What's it made of?

Q U A R K S A N D S T U F F

Ah, that's a thing, in a place! Don't like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier... but it's not empty yet. It's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

Great news! The quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" or a "neutron", and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's still too

H O T


Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! Some of them even doubled up.

Great news! The electrons have now joined in.
Congratulations, THE WORLD IS NOW a bunch of gas in space... but it's getting closer together...
<10 million years later>
...and it's getting closer together...
<500 million years later>
...and it's getting closer toget-

BOOM

I T ' S A S T A R

New shit just got made! Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion and make some brand new way crazier shit.

S P A C E D U S T

...which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into

E V E N C R A Z I E R S P A C E D U S T

So now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. Like this ball of flaming rock, for example...

Holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of... made a mess, which is

N O W T H E M O O N

Weather update! It's raining rocks from outer space. Weather update! Those rocks might have had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. Weather update! Cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. Weather update! ...it's raining. Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean. Volcano alert!

T H A T 'S L A N D !

there's life in the ocean.
What?

S O M E T H I N G ' S A L I V E I N T H E O C E A N

Oh, cool! Like, a plant or an animal? No, a microscopic speck! It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever...

Oh yeah, and it can do that.

It has secret instructions written inside itself, telling it how to build another one of itself. So, that's pretty nifty, I would say. Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

N O W Y O U C A N E A T S U N L I G H T

"Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food."

T A S T E T H E S U N

Side effect: Now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
It's a sponge, it's a plant, it's a worm, and some other types of weird, stranger water bugs and strange fish.

I T ' S T H E C A M B R I A N E X P L O S I O N

Wow, that's animals and stuff, but we're still in the ocean. "Hey, can we go on land?"

N O

"Why?"

T H E S U N I S A D E A D L Y L A Z E R

"Oh, okay."

N O T A N Y M O R E T H E R E ' S A B L A N K E T

Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, let's go on land! "Nope, can't walk yet, and there's no food yet, so I don't care."
<100 million years later>
Okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "Maybe," said some bugs, and fish.
"Eh."
"Eh."
"Eh."

"Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to

H A V E B A B I E S

Idea: Learn to use an egg. "I was already doing that!" Use a stronger egg, put water in it, have a baby on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. "Works for me."

B Y E B Y E O C E A N

<50 million years later>
And now everything's huge, including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land? Sure.

Oh, fuck, now everything's dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors. Keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become...
<75 million years later>
...the dinosaurs. Here's another map of the land. Yeah, it broke apart. Don't worry about it, does that all the time. Here comes a meteor.

A N D T H E D I N O S A U R S A R E G O N E

It's mammal time, here come the mammals. Look at those breasts. Now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff and walk. No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time, and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"Ouch."
And set things on fire.
"Yeouch."
And make crazy sounds with their voice.
"Gneurshk."
Which can mean different things.

T H A T ' S A H U M A N P E R S O N

And now they're everywhere...almost.

I C E A G E

What? You can walk over here? Cool!

N O T A N Y M O R E

Well, I guess we're stuck here. Let's review: There's people on the planet, and they're chasing their food. "Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this, I get to control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food." This is great! I wonder if anyone else is doing this?
Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! It's underground. Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.

G U E S S W H A T H A P P E N S N E X T ?

More food, and more people who came to buy the food. Now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now you need house for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.

S O C I E T Y

Coming soon to a dank river valley near you! Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? Tired of using lame, sad metal? Introducing:

B R O N Z E

Made from special ingredient: Tin, from the far lands of Tin Land. I don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what?

E G Y P T

Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now we're getting somewhere. Also...

C H I N A

And did I mention...

I N D U S R I V E R V A L L E Y C I V I L I Z A T I O N


N O R T E C H I C O

The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because it's in the middle of the East. Knock knock, er, clop clop, it's the people with the... horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses.

G R E E K S

Ah, look, it must be the Greeks... er, a beta version of the Greeks. Let's check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization... they're gone. Guess who's not gone?

C H I N A

N E W A R R I V A L S I N I N D I A M A Y B E I T W A S T H O S E H O R S E P E O P L E I W A S T A L K I N G A B O U T O R T H E I R C O U S I N S O R S O M E T H I N G A N D T H E Y W R O T E S O M E H Y M N S A N D M A N T R A S A N D S T U F F

You could make a religion out of this.
There's the Bronze Age collapse.

N O W T H E P H O E N I C I A N S C A N G E T D O W N T O B U S I N E S S

Also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? Thanks. Look who came back to Israel: It's the twelve tribes of Israel.

A N D T H E Y B E L I E V E I N G O D

Just one, though. He's got, like, a ten step program.
Here's some huge heads, must be the Olmecs. The Phoenicians make some colonies. The Greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. Here comes the Assyrian Empire. Never mind, it's the Babyloni- Media-

I T ' S T H E P E R S I A N E M P I R E

Wow, that's big.

Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened! "Who's the Buddha?" This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. You could make a religion out of this!
Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff, and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian Empire. It's a great idea, he was great... and now he's dead. Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
Knock knock, it's Chandragupta. He says "Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants? Okay, thanks, bye."

T I M E T O C O N Q U E R A L L O F I N D I A

Or...

M O S T O F I N D I A

But what about this part? That's the Tamil Kings, no-one conquers the Tamil Kings. Who are the Tamil Kings?

M E R C H A N T S P R O B A B L Y A N D T H E Y ' V E G O T S P I C E S

"Who would like to buy the spices?" "Me!" said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. Actually, they have three main philosophies.



Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

Let's check the Greekification levels of the Greekified kingdoms. GREEKIFICATION OVERLOAD! "Bye," said the Parthians. "Bye," said the Jews. "Hi," said the Parthians, taking over the entire place. "Heeeeey" said the Romans, eating the entire Mediterranean for breakfast. "Thanks for invading our homeland," said the Jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
"Hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. You could make a religion out of this!
Want silk? Now you can buy it from China. They just made a

B R A N D N E W R O A D T O T H E W O R L D


Or you can

G E T T H E R E O N W A T E R

"Sick! New trade routes!" said India, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. Hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
There goes Buddhism, travelling up the Silk Road. I wonder if it will reach China before it collapses again?

Remember the Persian Empire? "Yep," said the Persians, making a new one. Axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. Has anyone populated Madagascar yet? Let's do it together!

C H I N A I S W H O L E A G A I N

T H E N I T B R O K E A G A I N

Still can't cross the Sahara Desert? Try camels.

H E L L Y E A H N O W W E ' V E G O T B U S I N E S S

...said the Ghana Empire, selling lots of gold... and slaves.
"Hi, I'm live in the Roman Empire, and I was wondering...

I S L O V I N G J E S U S L E G A L Y E T

"No."
"Actually, okay, sure," said Constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

M A I N R I V A L

Don't worry about Rome, it won't fall.

I T ' S T H E G O L D E N A G E O F I N D I A

There's the Gupta Empire, not Chandragupta, just Gupta... first name Chandra... the First.
Guess who's in Rome?

B A R B A R I A N S

What's a barbarian? "Non-Romans," said the Romans, being invaded by non-Romans. R.I.P. Roman Empire... actually, just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in Rome anymore, so let's give it a new name.

T H E M A Y A N S H A V E F I G U R E D O U T T H E S T A R S

Oh, and here's a huge city. Population: Everyone. The Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian steppe. Great job, Göktürks. How's India? Broken. How's China?

B A C K T O G E T H E R

How's those trading kingdoms?

B I G G E R A N D T H E R E ' S M O R E O F T H E M

Korea has three kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom, it's the Sunrise Kingdom.

Deep in the Arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real God whispers in Muhammad's ear. So, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and tells them their gods are all fake, and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. You could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
The Roman empire is long gone, but somehow, the Pope is still the Pope. Plus, there's

N E W K I N G D O M S A L L O V E R E U R O P E

I wonder if there is room for Moors?
Here's all the wisdom in a house. It's the Baghdad House of Wisdom, just in time for the

I S L A M I C G O L D E N A G E

"Let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the Swahili on the Swahili Coast," said the Swahili on the Swahili Coast.
Remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? Someone owns that now!
Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the King over for Christmas. "Surprise! You're the new Roman Emperor!" said the Pope, pretending to still be part of the Roman Empire. Then, the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and not-France.
The Northerners, or just "Norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. They go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. Two types of land, and they name them accordingly.

They also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "Vikings". There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus. Are they Vikings? "I don't think so," said the Kievan Rus. Okay, fair enough.
The Pope is ready to make some more emperors of the Roman Empire: The Holy Roman Empire. It's actually Germany, but don't worry about it.
New kingdoms!

C H R I S T I A N I Z E A L L T H E K I N G D O M S

Which brand would you like?
"Mine's better."
"Mine's better."
"Mine's better."
"Time to conquer England," said William.
It's a bird, it's a plane!

I T ' S T H E S E L J U K T U R K S

"Aah!" said the Byzantine Empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "We need help!" They need help, so they call the Pope. "Hey Pope, can you help us get rid of the Seljuks, maybe take back the Holy Land on the way? C'mon, I know you want to take back the Holy Land." "Yes, I do actually want to do that. Let's do a Crusade."

C R U S A D E

They did many Crusades, some of which almost didn't fail, but at least the Italians got some sweet trade deals.
Goodbye Mayans.

H E L L O T O L T E C S

Goodbye Toltecs.

H E L L O M I S S I S S I P P I

Look at those mounds.
There's the Pueblo. I always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
Guess who's here? Khmer. Where? Here, and Pagan is there. Vietnam unconquered itself, Korea just became itself, and Japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. China just invented bombs and typing, and the Mongols just invaded most of the Universe. Nice going, Genghis! I bet that will last a long time.

Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected by the Mongol invasions because they were busy invading India.
Is it Tonga time? I think it's Tonga time.

I just found out where the Swahili gets all their gold. Look at this chad! It means "lake". There's an empire there, right in the middle of

A F R I C A

The King of Mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "Wow, that guy's rich," everyone said.
The Christians are doing a great job reconquering Iberia, which will soon be called Spain and not-Spain. Please remain Christian, we will check in later to see if you are still Christian when you least expect it.
Whoops, half of Europe just died.

M I N G

China's back, yay!
Hey, Khmer, time to share. New kingdoms, here and there. Oh, look who controls all the islands, it's the Mahajapit.

Majahapit.

Mapajahit.

Mahapajit.

Mapajahit.

Ma... ja... pa... hit?

Oh, Italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. It's kinda like a rebirth. Here's a printer, let's make books!
So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire? "Yep," said the Ottoman Turks. Nice job, Ottoman Turks. Oops, you missed a spot. Don't forget to ban Europe from the Indian spice trade. "What? That's bullshit!" said Portugal, spiceless.

W E L L I G U E S S W E ' L L H A V E T O F I N D A N O T H E R W A Y T O I N D I A

"Wait!" said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack. "If the world is round, let's go this way to India!" "Nah, don't worry, we already got this," said Portugal. So, Chris goes to Spain. "Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find India by going around back of the world?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No." "wtf"
"Please?"
"...okay."
So he sails into the ocean and discovers... more ocean, and then discovers the Indies and Japan! Let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
The Aztec and Inca empires are off to a great start. I wonder if they know that Europe just discovered their continent.
The Habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
Move over, Lithuania, here comes Moscow. Ivan wants to make Russia great again. Move over, Timurids, maybe go invade India or something. Persia just made Persia Persian again. Let's make it the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy.
"Hey Christians, do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell!" "That's bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that's a scam, fuck the Church, here's 95 reasons why," said Martin Luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.
"You know what would be magnificent?" said Suleiman, wearing an onion hat. "What if the Ottoman Empire was... really big?" which it is now. "What if Russia was big?" said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.
Portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire Indian Ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. And Spain realized that this is not India, but they pillaged it anyway. "Damn," said England and France, "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." Then the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to Amsterdam. "Damn," said Amsterdam, "...we gotta start pillaging some stuff."
Question one: Can you get to India through North America? No, but at least there's beaver. Question two: Steal the spice trade. That's not a question, but the Dutch did it anyway.

S U G A R

Guess where all the sugar is made? In Brazil... stolen! In the Caribbean, and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
The next thing on Russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
Britain and France are having a friendly discussion about who should control the world, more specifically, Ohio. Then, it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving Prussia a chance to show Austria who's boss. But, what about Britain and France, did they figure out who's boss? Yes, they did, it's Britain. Guess who's broke? Also Britain. So, they start taxing the hell out of America. "Fuck you!" said America, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and France helps them win. Now, France is broke, and Britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
Wait, if France is broke, why do the King and Queen still wear such fancy dresses? "Let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said Robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. You can make a reli-
No, don't.
Haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "Why didn't we think of this before?"
Wait, who's in charge of France now?

M E

Said Napoleon, trying to take over Europe. Luckily, they banished him to an island.

B U T H E C A M E B A C K

Luckily, they banished him to another island.
There goes Latin America, becoming independent in the Latin American wars of independence.
Britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make

M A N Y D I F F E R E N T T Y P E S O F M A C H I N E S A N D F A C T O R I E S W I T H M A C H I N E S I N T H E M S O T H E Y C A N M A K E A L O T O F P R O D U C T S R E A L F A S T

Then they invent some trains and conquer India, and maybe put some trains there. "Hey, China!" said Britain, "buy stuff from us!" "Nah dude, we already got everything," says China, so Britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then China made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea, so Britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
Britain and Russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering Afghanistan. Also,

T H E S U L T A N O F O M A N L I V E S I N Z A N Z I B A R N O W

That's just where he lives.
India just had a revolution and they would like to govern themselves now. "Nope," said Britain, governing them even harder than before.

T E C H N O L O G Y I S A B O U T T O G O C R A Z Y

The United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. It's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the Mexicans too.
"I know, let's rape Africa!" said Europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

T H E Y N E V E R G O T E T H I O P I A

Britain and France are still hungry.

T H E Y N E V E R G O T T H A I L A N D

The United States ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.

H A W A I I

C U B A

Wait, Spain controls Cuba. "Well, blame something on them and go to war. What should we blame on Spain?"

"Let's blame the Maine on Spain." So they blame the Maine on Spain. Now we're in business. To celebrate, they kick Panama out of Panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
Britain just found oil in the Middle East.

I T M A K E S C A R S G O

China is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government... which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.
Europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start World War One. Look at those guns! It's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. After it's over, they blame Germany.
Russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government, now everyone's paycheck is the same.

C O M M U N I S M I N T H E S O V I E T U N I O N

The Arabs revolt and Britain helps, now the Ottoman Empire is gone, so we can give the

J E W I S H P E O P L E A P L A C E T O L I V E

Hopefully the Arabs won't mind.
"Let's cut the cake!" said Sykes and Picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-Ottoman-anymore empire.

E X C E P T T U R K E Y T U R K E Y M A K E S A B R A N D N E W T U R K E Y

And then the Saudis conquer Arabia. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

"Hello?" "Yes, it's the 1920's calling. Let's get in a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies! The economy is great and it will probably be great forever... just kidding."
Germany's back, featuring Hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the Jews for existing.
Japan is finally conquering the East, and they're so excited, they rape Nanking way too hard. They should probably just deny it.
Hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the Jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

T H A T ' S W O R L D W A R T W O

Bonus round! Pacific Showdown! United States vs. Japan! FIGHT!


Finish him!

Let's unite all the nations and have some

W O R L D P E A C E

Seems legit.
"Hi, I'm Gandhi, and if Britain doesn't get the hell out of India, I'm going to starve myself in public."

"Wow, that worked?"
Bonus, now there's Pakistan. Actually, two Pakistans. One of them can be Bangladesh later.
The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "Me!" they both said at the same time. Let's divide up the lands so we're both happy.

S I K E ! T H E Y B O T H G E T A N G R I E R

Look out, China! There's a new China in China! What's on the menu? Communism! "No thanks," said the other China, escaping to an island. I wonder which one is the real China?
There's the Korean War, Korea vs. Korea! Nobody wins, then it's on pause forever. Let's meet the sponsors. Oh, it's the two global superpowers. They're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
And they both have atom bombs.
FIGHT!
Wait, no, that would be the end of the world. Let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead... and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "I'll race you to space!"


Now let's make some more countries fight themselves.
Europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged, so here's a new map with new countries. Now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
The United States finally decided whether racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad and the world agrees. South Africa might need another minute to think about it.
Let's check the world population!

Woah.
Okay.
Technology's better too, that might keep happening.
The Soviet Union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart.
Europe makes a union so now they can all use the same money, except Britain, because they don't feel like it.
Let's check the mail. Surprise, it's on the computer!
Whoops, someone just attacked America, I bet they'll remember that.
Phone call. Surprise, it's in your pocket! Wanna learn everything? Surprise, it's on the computer! Now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket!
Whoops, the economy just crashed. Don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to.
Surprise! Flying robots... with bombs!

Wanna print a brain?
Some people have no friends. Some people have no food. The globe is warming.

A N D T H E O C E A N I S F U L L O F P L A S T I C

"Let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how.
"Let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. That's pretty cool.
By the way, where the hell are we?

THANKS FOR WATCHING HISTORY

I HOPE I MENTIONED EVERYTHING

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6 Quick Steps Every Horse Racing Handicapper Should Follow Before Placing a Bet

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